Octoberwish.

I'm going to follow suit, and make an Octoberwish. But it won't be wishful thinking. I'm going to make damn sure it comes true.

By October 31st, I will be 129lbs. I will look good in a catsuit.

What're your wishes?

*Hazel you can eat, because you remember how to throw up now...*

I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself.I will not weigh myself. I will not weigh myself.

If I weigh myself, I will fall again.

I'm so dangerously close to the edge. I'm tired of it all.

Oh.

I went over 100calories.

By half a pork pie, and a plate of vegetable stir fry.

I threw up in my room.

It's starting again, isn't it?

Today Is One Hundred And It's Hard.

I've been doing well, my weight is dropping real quick. I'm now 132lbs. Today is the 100 calorie day and it's proving to be very difficult. Extremely so.

I've had a 45 calorie energy drink, and half a piece of bread with some hot sauce, which was also 40 calories. So I have 15 calories left... But you can't eat much for that. I don't have any cucumber left either, so that's out the window.

I'm tired, of everything. This is just too difficult.

300 today.

ABC is kind of hard, but I remembered why it's worth it. Two days and I've lost 2lbs. But for some damn reason it doesn't seem like it's enough.

Sometimes I think it would be epic if everyone could see inside their own brains, because at least then maybe we could actually understand what the fuck is going on.

I miss the amount of people that have disappeared on Blogger. Selfish I know, because them leaving could mean positive things for them. But I still miss them.

So tell me my darlings, what're the plans for today?

ABC.

I started ABC yesterday. Ofc that involved weighing myself. 136lbs. Fuck my life.

At least I've had not problem sticking to the 500 calorie limit yesterday and today. 

I hope I can pull off 300 tomorrow. I've decided that for every day I go over, I have to fast the next day. And that just adds extra days onto the 40 that I intend on doing.

Focusing on these calories make it slightly easier to avoid panic attacks when I have to leave the house. And I even managed to shower and wash my hair this morning. Result.

Don't lie. You can't carry on, this isn't being strong and you know it.

You can't be more. You're being less, feeling less, wanting to do less. A lost cause.

It's not glamorous. You can't look like that.

She doesn't even look like that. It's a world of lies. A hall of mirrors. It's wrong.

You've grown up before your time. Don't die before your clock runs out.

But you will be that person again. You are still that person. You will always be that person.

It's because you won't break away.

No - you'll only forget yourself.

Mind numbing, belly aching, comatose state of mind.

I'm here.

I think you're pretty. More than pretty. You're beautiful. Smart. Intelligent. Don't throw it away.

You're ill, that doesn't make you bad. Don't feel guilty. Be happy that the help is there.

You're the best you that you can be, and I want to help you.

Stop. I will be here. I will carry you through.

You don't let yourself feel enough.

You can do anything. Believe it.

Everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to find the person that's worth suffering for.

Hazel is Good at Hiding.

I don't leave my house anymore, I can't. If I leave my house something will get me, something will hurt me, bad things will happen. I can't remember the last time I could smile without wanting to cry.

I haven't showered or washed my hair for perhaps over a week now. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I don't have energy to do anything anymore. I've been eating - it's the only thing I can do. I don't hate myself for it.

I just wonder, if this is all there is to life, then why should I go on?

Boy I've missed a shitload of college work. I know I should be doing coursework, and seeing friends, and going to work. But I've fallen behind on coursework, I seldom speak to anyone anymore, and I've quit one of my jobs.

I'm just tired, all the time. I forget too. Sometimes I may wake up, and things will just go black. And before I can even make sense of anything, it's the evening and time for me to go to bed. I sleep a lot now. But it doesn't matter how much I sleep - I'm always tired.

We always said that numb was the worst feeling. Now I don't think it is. The worst feeling is blind indifference. That's all I feel now.

All This Time You Were Pretending.

I had a big argument with my mum last night, I thought she was going to kick me out. She's letting him back into the house again. He's coming back from Cyprus, and he's coming to the house. I don't know what to do in all honesty. I'm just empty. I don't feel hungry, empty, energetic, happy. It's like I'm devoid of everything but tiredness. There's no point to anything, never has been and never will be.

Get out of this now - don't become trapped by this stupid game. You all can get out of this, you can find a door and a way out. Whilst you still can, do it. Because trapped is a feeling that comes quickly and easily.

Numb.

I used to write this blog every day, now I'm lucky if it's once a week. I'm in a darker place now. I'd like to know how you all are, because I've been pretty shit at maintaining my contact with y'all - for that, I'm sorry.

I'd been eating like a normal person since around my birthday time, but all of that became undone today. It's 10 months since Prince. I've eaten 700 calories today and it's just too much. Just too much.

Back to restriction, back to the gym, back to shutting everybody out. It seems that that's all I've ever known.

Failure.

Breathe in and feel the emptiness expand - but it isn't emptiness, is it? Because you keep messing up. The pills aren't working because, somewhere along the line, you're doing too much.

There's so much on my mind and I don't know where to start. I was worried the pill had failed first time (and only) time I've slept with Jacob, but I had a period so that was fine right? Well the period was 1 and a half days of lightness. No problem, my periods are generally light. But now I'm retaining weight. Now my boobs are sore, nipples are darker, and mood swings greater.

I'm really worried. I'm not so sure what to do.

Writing Pictures.

None of us do. We're worth more.

It's okay to want to tell someone sometimes. It's okay to need help.

We're all innocent underneath all of this. Innocent people who have witnessed far too much.

Why do we fear being seen at our worst?

But it's impossible to run away from it. Who I was is who I still am; I hate it.

It's hard to understand what's real and what's not, when all of these voices crash around and around in my head.

At least, you'll forget me. I'll always be here, you just won't want me anymore.

Just can't. I can't fix everything that I've ever known to be true.

Explains it all really.

Everytime I feel my stomach ache, or my head just freeze with dizziness, I know I'm feeling something. I know I'm still here. But one day this'll go too far. One day I may just not be here anymore.

No I can't.

So whatever the fuck happens, just have it in the back of your mind. And please God - stop searching for something you already have. You're all fucking beautiful, inside and out. Don't die for something that you already have; don't die for something that isn't worth having.

PILLS.

Oh I do believe I'm scaring myself enough now. There are so many voices in my head, wanting me to starve, wanting me to die, wanting me to fail. But the scariest part is that they're all me.

Mood swings are scary. I go from just being horrifically numb to screaming the place down; we all know what a psycho my mother can be, but all I seem to do now is yell at her and argue with her - I'm not making things any better.

I've started some new pills today and I wear patches too; the patches are called Slim Bomb, and the patches help to supress my appetite. I have a driving lesson later, my first, and I'm just worried that not eating will affect it. But I can't eat. Just can't.

I weighed myself today, and all the updownnotusinglaxativestryingtoeatlikeanormalpersonbuthurtingmorethananormalperson has put me up to 135lbs. But I'll be 130lbs by sunday, I know it.

One day everything will be better - I just don't know when one day will be.