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Lent

Well ABC failed pretty badly, in that I ended up eating around 1000 calories a day. But now it's lent and I have a plan!

I'm going to turn ABC into a part liquid fast, in that I can have all the liquids I want, but the calorie allowance I have is going to count towards how much solid food I can eat. I think I'll fair much better that way!

So today is the 500 calorie solid allowance, and so far I've only had a cup of soup. Always a good thing! I haven't been able to weigh myself, so I'm going to assume that I'm back at the starting weight of 143.8lbs. But I won't let those horrific numbers get me down - girls I'm going to need your help!

If any of you would be willing to do this part liquid fast with me, let me know and we'll stay in contact via skype, texts, or facebook! We can do this.


Now on the work front things have been going pretty shit this week. I haven't closed any deals, and that means I've had no money so far this week. It's at the point where I'm considering finding a new job. But I'll give it another week or so, and I've got some job interviews lined up too :/

My dad's back on the scene, and trusting him is proving to be difficult. He's been picking me up from work, keeping his business seperate, which is all I ever asked for. It's kind of nice being able to speak to him without hearing him on the phone talking about guns and drugs. He did ask me about Jacob though. It was sort of difficult, I didn't realise I'd get emotional telling my dad about what happened. A bit of a wake up call really. More than anything, I miss how things were. I liked being able to talk to him everyday, waking up to him in the mornings and such. I miss his brothers and sister too. And his mum and dad. I sort of liked having a family.

But upwards and onwards, I can't let it get me down! Do any of you have any plans for lent, or weight loss otherwise? Let me know girlies, and stay strong!

Horrible numbers.

On Thursday I weighed myself. I had to see what the damage had been, so I could fix it. The scales said 143.8lbs. That was a disgusting bmi of 20.93. Since, I've been doing abc and I'm 138.4 lbs. It's still a disgusting number and horrible bmi of 20.14. I don't remember the last time my bmi was in the 20s and I absolutely despise it.

But today is party and babysitting day. NOT TOGETHER LOL. I'm babysitting till 1am then I'm going to a house party. Drugs no drink all night long baby. I've taken a liking to cocaine as a party drug, but ketamine wouldn't be something I did to go out with. It's just too damn trippy. But basically, my worry is that I'll look like a whale in whichever dress I choose to wear. It's not even a worry anymore, I KNOW I'll look like a whale.

I knew I was humungous before, but I managed to push that voice of truth out of my mind. Now it's back and screaming at me, and I hate it. I wonder how we survive half the time. I realise that we rarely manage to get down to a dangerous weight, but how does the insanity not stop us all from living? Maybe it does, but we die inside instead of on the outside.

Sorry for all the negativity! Basically, today is a 300 day and I'ma do damn well.

How're you beauties finding eating habits at the moment? <3

Gym membership (:

I joined at the gym because I am a fat cow. But no worries. I'm on ABC now, yesterday was the first day but I ate 800 instead of 500. I had the munchies - it's no excuse though really.

Trigger post.

I cut. A lot. I hadn't cut since maybe September time, I can't remember. But last night that wash came over me, it just got so overwhelming and I couldn't bear another minute. The boys just took the piss so much, but it had been such a bad day anyway.

Gore and Ganja stole my cigarettes, then started smoking them even though I'd told them not to. They hid my coat, my shoes, and then Gore tagged on my rat cage. That shit's permanent. Then Parry just started being a pisstake and laughing and I snapped. I can't take this shit. It all seems so fucking trivial but it was just a fucking build up of everything.

I have work today. I should have left by now but I just don't have energy. I'll go to work today. I have to. See, I'm clinging on to the hope that one day everything will be better, but that hope is like a fading candle. There isn't much flame left.


I'm starting to get control of my eating again. I'm going to go to my mum's whilst she's at work and steal the scales back. Because I need them. I'm probably 138 easily. It's a horrible number. I want to be 125 again, that was good. I say good, because it's like when I was that weight, the badness had melted away. I had that one thing I could control and manage. People cared about me when I was that weight too. Now they don't.


Sorry for the rant. I just don't know how much more you can take.


How have you all been in my absence?

Return.

Once again I've come crawling back with my tail between my legs. I somehow thought that if I left blogger and tried to be normal, act normal, everything would magically start to be normal. Then I realised that normality for me is a far cry from what should be every day life.

The void is back. That big black hole that sucks up all happiness, all signs of complacency. And I'm through dealing with it, I want it gone but I don't know how.

I know I've lsot a lot of followers, but if you'll have me back, I'd like to be one of the community again. I'm sorry.

You should love yourself. Then everybody will follow (:

Sometimes that's a difficult thing to do, but thanks :)

Ask me whatever you like (:

It was on blogger :) i follow you on here.. i don't have a blogger lol, i just love thinspo and well.. most everything ed related haha X)

Aww thanks1 i'll be making a blogger return, promise :) <3

Ask me whatever you like (:

Tumblr bitches.

Moving on over to tumblr properly now. I've had it for a while, never really use it. But recently I've been neglecting blogger for this, so here we go!  

twigscanfly.tumblr.com 

<3

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