High like a kite.

I like ganja. I occasionally like other things. I like the numb feeling during. It's bliss - I'm quietly numb, emotionally paralysed.

Samir made me cry yesterday, not intentionally, it was a wake up call. How I had to stop being silly and move on, and be there for Leyla. And that I needed a plan and to go to uni.

I feel better now, but I've realised many things. I need to grow up and stop being selfish. I have to stop Leyla from becoming what I quickly became.


High like a kite maybe, but my heart's in knots. How did any of this happen?

Lol.

I literally cannot afford food. It's amazing.

But it's taking so much strength, being right by the tantalising smells of my work colleagues eating.

My body wants it, but my mind knows better.

I need a new job anyway. Some people are making it so difficult to be here, so difficult to be in the relationship I'm in.

Difficult to breathe.

LOL.

The head coach at gymnastics (where I coach) told me that I lost weight. When I said thank you, she said "no that's not good, because you've gained fat and lost muscle". She asked me what I'd been eating, and I told her. She's put me on a diet, and told me I have to exercise.

50 situps last night to kick start everything. And today I have had half a cup of slim a soup.

This is the beginning of a new era, I won't let myself down. More importantly, I won't let you down.

I've been checking up my stats, and this month I've had over a thousand views so far. This is going to be my motivation. Every time someone looks at my blog, they need to see that I'm doing well, getting thin.

As soon as I get internet back at my house, I'm going to start posting weekly Vlogs.


It doesn't matter what you think you can achieve you fat bitch. I'm going to make you achieve it. I'm taking over your mind, slowly but surely. I WILL make you thin.

Choice.

How dare you eat you fucking worthless piece of shit. Like the breakfast you ate this morning wasn't enough. Why do you fill yourself with this poison day in day out? Do you like me being angry at you? Do you like me having to invade your mind? You must do, you'd do better otherwise.

One potatoe, two potatoe, three potatoe, four.
You fucking fat bitch, don't you dare eat anymore.

Fight your body, it's weak. You need to be strong. Don't you dare give in to temptation. You want me to be happy with you, I know you do. So do something about it. Be proactive. You're going to start training again tonight.

A situp, or two, or three, of four hundred.
Don't stop. Can't stop. Won't stop.
Breathe.

Your mind is stronger, your soul is free. Don't you see, the more your bones ache, the more your stomach caves in, the stronger you are becoming.

So it's quite simple my darling, you have a choice.

Get thin, or die trying.

Bundled into a car.

I have a confession. I'm falling for my boss. My 28 year old boss.

There's a psycho girl at work who has it badly for him, and she chats so much shit it's unreal. ABout how they're an item, always have been. He's tried to tell her otherwise, but she won't listen. It's odd. But her taunting me, her digs, drove me to do something stupid on friday night.

We all went out to the pub after work, and I was drinking a lot. This girl wouldn't stop letting me know I was the outsider, wouldn't stop trying to make me feel small about myself. So I decided to make her jealous by getting the phone number of a guy I knew she'd been making eyes at that night. But I'd had 9 double vodkas, and it didn't go that well. I ended up going home with him.

He was a nutter and tried to give me drugs, and his flatmate turned up. I got sober pretty quick. Somehow I got them to drive to a newsagents, and when we pulled up, I legged it. Just ran.

The funny thing about Croydon at 2am is that there are a lot more nutters about. Two black guys tried to get me into their car.

I got home in a state. I don;t want to go out anymore.
Someone asked if it was my fault, because of what I was wearing. I was wearing bootleg jeans and a hoodie.

This time... it wasn't my fault.

I'm falling apart.

PS I'm having to post comments as anon cause my blogger has fucked up :/

Our souls died a long time ago.

Breathe in. Feels your lungs expanding. Feel your ribs get tighter. Feel the air rushing into your body. Pure.

Take a bite. It's only a bite. Only 37 calories in a bite. It's safe.

Feel the euphoria. The paranoia. Lose control. Three hundred calories more. See the cupboard. Grab the crisps. Grab the bread. Grab the chocolate spread. No need for a knife, eat it straight from the jar. You're disgusting.

Your belly expands. Your cheeks fill out. Drink a litre of cola. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. SPIT IT OUT, IT'S NOT DIET. Drink it anyway.

The liquid swills around your stomach. The bread soaks it up. The crisps tickle your throat. You've chocolate around your mouth. You're deluded, crazy.

It's okay the little voice says. You're allowed to eat. You've done so well. For a moment you believe it.

See your reflection, see the mess you've created. Reach for the broken metal. Draw it across over and over. See the red. Feel the warmth. See the stains on your shirt. See the mess you've created.

Know the mess you have become.

Race upstairs. Make yourself heave. We need to. We need to be pure. We need to be empty.

You stupid bitch. Look what you've done.

Don't play the game unless you're prepared to lose. No body comes out sane. We may still be living, but our souls died a long time ago.

I'm Still Here

I'm trying to sort my head out. Everything is just so damn wrong.

Day two ease in...

Gah, my work computer is fucking up and won't let me comment on any of your blogs! But if y'all facebook add me or something, then until I can get this fixed I'll be more than happy to talk to y'all via that.

I'm on day 2 of the ease in for master cleanse. I did well yesterday (just live foods) and ate one orange and a banana. I weighed yesterday at 144lbs (disgusting), and this morning I'm 139lbs (still disgusting). I've just been drinking tomato juice today, so hopefully that'll help me shift weight. I just need to buy some laxatives to help with the daily bowel movements.

Darlings I hope you're all okay, and doing much better than I am weight wise. Let me know how everything is <3

Largeeee.

Search Results

large

adjective /lärj/ larger, comparative; largest, superlative Of considerable or relatively great size, extent, or capacity - add a large clove of garlic - the concert attracted large crowds Of greater size than the ordinary, esp. with reference to a size of clothing or to the size of a packaged commodity - the sweater comes in small, medium, and large sizes Pursuing an occupation or commercial activity on a significant scale - many large investors are likely to take a different view Of wide range or scope - we can afford to take a larger view of the situation I can feel the 190 calorie worth of crisps just melting down into fat and attaching itself to my LARGE behind.  The only way around this is to give myself  a deadline. Friday coming, if I'm not less that 135lbs, I have to post pictures of my body. My disgusting body.

Fat. Fat. Fat. Selfish. Bitch.

I'm a bad person, and I know I am. Today I've still been eating, and I know I shouldn't be. I know it's a terrible thing to do, and despite the advice I give all of you about controlling your mind, it's something that I can't seem to do. It's pathetic. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the yellow, parasitic fat clinging to me. I hate hearing my voice and knowing that I'm failing. I hate competing with myself, and trying to do better, knowing that I'm setting myself up to fail.

There are tears I'm struggling to hold back, these tears are threatening to overwhelm me, racing to escape me and become a flood of salty emotion. Emotion isn't something I deal with well.

I feel selfish, always blogging about myself and what I want. I want a mum, I want a family, I want to earn money, I want to be thin, I want this, I want that. I I I. Why can't I just be better? Why can't I be what I aspire to be... why can't I be just like you?
So many conditions are placed upon happiness. I'd be happier if I was [thinner, smaller, more successful, if I had a boyfriend, a girlfriend etc etc]. Why can't happiness just be an option that we can choose, and not worry about?

I had a dream last night that I cheated on Drummer. Everything seemed so real, and when I woke up it seemed so surreal that I thought I had. And I was overcome with so much guilt... Because I cheated on my first boyfriend. I kissed someone else, but this dream was worse, so much worse. It was passionate, lustful, and it was about someone I know. Someone I've slept with before, who made me feel so light in how he could pick me up and swing me around. He made me feel really... beautiful. Drummer makes me feel pretty, makes me feel like I'm the one. He's on holiday at the moment, and I miss him beyond belief. I'm just so scared that I'm going to fail him.

What if they're all right? What if I'm still a slag, just as I always have been? I don't know anymore. I really don't.

I'll post pictures of my body either tonight or in the morning. And I'll be revealing who I am in the very near future.

Girls you're amazingly supportive so thank you. Sorry that you have to put up with me.