And there's no one else to blame

Things have changed. I still with S. I still have a beautiful daughter. I now have a 5 month old son too. 

I keep breastfeeding because he's more important. Because I can't starve or be sick if I'm feeding a child.

But I've lost over 8 lbs in under two weeks. I'm laying in bed exhausted, battered by a chest infection and beaten by my own self pity.

I just want to get better.

But I crave punishment.

I just want to get better.

But I've already pressed self destruct.

Game over.