Friday, 30 April 2010

Dear Hazel, just hurry up and love yourself please. It'll make life easier for us both. Love from you. xx.

Now Hazel, you know that's fucking impossible. Though I do appreciate your efforts, just let me get on with things.

We'll be okay (:

Ask me whatever you like (:

Sort My Head Out Please.

I don't want a morning after pill. I'm ignoring the problem. Besides, it's been 72hours. I guess whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. T-minus 2 weeks until I find out whether or not my womb rejects potential child.

Yesterday's nervous eating puts me in at 136lbs. But it's fine. Because I can drop those 3lbs at the drop of a hat.

I'm getting my hair dyed today. 

Y'know what, fuck it. I don't know what to write. Bun and I will check back when I fucking know what to write. I need to sort my head out.

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Potential Bun In The Oven. Holy Fuck.

So I've been stupid enough to think that the pill is reliable. Well it is. Just not when I've taken laxatives the night before. 

Ladies and gentlemen, Hazel has a potential bun in the oven. And I have no fucking idea what to do about it.
I've also eaten shit today - nerves from a french oral exam I had today. My mood has been fucked.

So yes - yet another typical musing from a hypocritical teenage girl.

Selfish aren't I? (:

Tuesday, 27 April 2010


Well today I've had around 300 calories, and I'm stoked.

But my boyfriend has just revealed to me that he still doesn't trust me, and he doesn't want me to talk to my best friend Seamus anymore because he gets jealous.

I told him where to go. I told him it's not going to happen. But I don't want to lose him.

I'm fed up of waking up every day and being constantly reminded of what I've done wrong. I'm fed up of constantly wondering how I can fix it, or how I can make it up to him. 


Sunday, 25 April 2010

Well I'm Losing Weight At The Same Rate As My Sanity (:

Down 2lbs this morning. 134 (:

My dad took me to the carvery today. I'm guessing at least 800 calories on one plate, but it's okay because I only ate 200 calories before hand, and I haven't eaten since (don't plan to either). So it's all falling into place, finally.

I've been doing revision today, fucking french is going to be the fucking death of me (: But it's okay, cause as soon as I get my lovely grades I'm out of here next year! HAPPYDANCE. Let's all happy dance :D. FREEDOM!!!!!! Let's hope that life is going to carry on looking up. 

Slight problem though, in the form of what to do about university study. I'm thinking of journalism combined with a few foreign languages, but I'm not too sure. Cause my possible career choices are:

=>Owning pet shops
=>Being a journalist
=>Publishing my book (currently in progress)
=>Being a policewoman
=>Teaching english/a foreign language
=>Teaching english in a foreign country.

What to do? I guess I'll worry about that later.

Right now I think I'ma do my first poo since avoiding laxies.


Saturday, 24 April 2010


So today I described feeling like I'm falling, but as of this moment I'm feeling strangely optimistic. I think it might just be the fact that I've fallen well and truly in love with my boyfriend. I've always loved him, but now I'm actually in love with him. And I like the feeling.

Yet on the flip side, I know for a fact that I'm currently more that willing to starve, purge and fast my way back to 127lbs and lower. It's going to happen. I've had around 900 calories today, and this is by not actively trying to restrict. I've just gone back off of food. After days of binging every night - I don't want to eat, the very idea repulses me. I weighed 136lbs this morning, and having just weighed myself I'm the exact same. No change. 

So there's hope.

There's hope for all of us.

It's been a while.

Well I'm 136lbs. Still.
Apparently my "true weight" is 132lbs.

Stuff's kinda hard. I still haven't been able to see Prince at the cemetery, it's like I'm afraid to go. And a few nights ago I was so suicidal it's unreal. My arms suffered. Blood left everywhere: the bed, the light switch, my keyboard.

I'm falling

And I don't really know what to do about it. I need to get down to 127lbs. Things were easier then.

Exams atm, so revision will be filling up my time. I've also applied for a third job.

Y'know, I'm going to get thin if it kills me.

The scary thing is, that it probably will.

Wednesday, 14 April 2010


My blogger is being an asshole and won't let me update my widget boxes to say I'm no longer a disgusting 137lbs.

The keys on my laptop keep getting stuck.

I have the biggest spot on my chin ever.

My period is horrific. Fucking pill was supposed to make it better.

Today I've had about 800 calories and it's only 15:10. Half a cup of cappucino, breakfast in a fucking cafe, and a milkshake. Fucking. Hell.

I'm worried that no one can post comments, or if they can then they aren't because they don't like me.

I don't have a set of working scales.

I miss my boyfriend.

I want a cigarette. I REALLY WANT A CIGARETTE.

My mum hates me. And she also thinks that she can dictate to me what I do and don't do. I screamed at her a few nights ago, I screamed that there are two people in a relationship not three. I also screamed at her that I'll be having sex whether she likes it or not. I told her that I don't care what she thinks because "I'm not living in this shithole next year."

I have to wait a whole year to move out.

I'm not going to do as well as my family want me to do in my A-levels. It's going to tear them apart.

I'm scared that no one loves me because I'm so selfish.

But most of all - I'm ugly. Inside and out. And I don't know what I should do about it.


I had a collosal 1400 calories yesterday. Disgusting. I'm at my aunty's house in Kent, and all they do is eat and go on the computer. I'm going to do my best to avoid everything like the plague though, and do crunches wherever possible.

I had to work through an attack yesterday - I was fucking in tears because I wanted chocolate and a cigarette. So I came up with a rule - I sent Jess a text, and I wasn't allowed to stop exercising and moving around until she text back. She didn't text back till just before I had to leave, so I ended up doing 100 conditioning and running up and down the stairs countless times. I got through it. I'm not over it though.

I think the one thing that terrifies me, and I mean properly terrifies me, is the fact that I don't have the same scales at this house. I want my scales. They're the only ones that tell the truth.

Tuesday, 13 April 2010


I'm 134lbs. Lost 3lbs over night some how. Don't know how, don't care how. So long as I'm losing it.

My uterus is still vomiting blood. Not too bady though - thank fuck for the pill.
I'm craving two things atm:
Sex and cigarettes.
Fml. I'ma go have a cigarette in a sec.
As for sex... Well I'll have to wait to see my boyfriend for that (:

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Back with a vengeance.

Right, my "intervention" has left me at 137lbs. Disgusting right? Well I don't care. Because what I'm going to do is show my mum that I can fix myself, and I can make myself light because that's what I want to do.

I'm going to lose a fantastic amount of weight, just you wait and see. And hello to my new followers! I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to checking y'all out yet, but I will do I promise!

I've been away for a while, sorry guys ):
I went to Belgium y'see, and now I've just come back from Lourdes. Honestly, if you can for next year, go to Lourdes with HCPT. It's the most rewarding experience ever, and I'm not even a religious person!

Man this is strange... I can't think of what else to write. I used to be able to write loads. I guess it's because I don't deserve to at the moment. But I will. A few lbs at a time - I'm going to get closer to perfection, if it kills me.

Starve, purge. Whatever. I just want to get how I was before.