Thursday, 31 March 2011

Epic fail

Today has not been the best of days ladies. On the eating front I've had too much. 700 calorie breakfast, 100 calorie noodles, 350 calorie meal out with Drummer [the boyfriend. I've forgotten what name I gave him], and now 500 in binge. 1650 is disgusting. 

I had to leave work early because Drummer's mum has lumps. And Drummer is very worried and needed my support. And it's also likely to be the last time I see him till the 10th of April, as he's going to Tenerife. My dad met him when he picked me up, and introduced himself as "the motherfucking gangster". Mortal cringe right there. 

Then I picked my sister up from gymnastics and it turned out she'd injured herself and torn all of the ligaments in her foot. Fucking hell, I spent from 9pm till 12:30am at the hospital waiting for them to fucking diagnose what was wrong. Amazing NHS services anybody?

And on top of all this, my friend who started self harm told me that if I came to see him, he'd cut himself. I still feel more angry than words can express, and want more than anything to cut again. To feel the rush, the blood. To know I've gotten what I've deserved. And as selfish as it sounds, I hate him for making me feel that way.

Oh and due to my laziness, my snakebites are becoming infected. I also have a lump that's developed on the inside of my mouth, next to one of them. Any ideas what that may be?

The 30th was not my day. And as it's now 01:04 am on the 31st, I'm hoping it'll become better, but I can't convince myself that's right. I'm restless, wanting to feel pain, wanting to purge, wanting to take laxatives. I probably will SH. I can't purge for fear of my snakebites. And I've run out of laxatives.

Strict regime from now on. I will weigh in on Saturday, and I know it'll be excrutiatingly painful.

Apologies for the rant.

Tuesday, 29 March 2011


Hungry. Starving. Bleeding. Not caring.

I'm falling in and out of some form of consciousness... I can see everything around me but I've been phasing out long periods of time. It's not a great feeling.

And now I can recognise in my closest friend the depression which is threatening to overwhelm him. How do I turn him back, how can I make him see that he needs to get help whilst he still can? Hypocritical, I know.

These are just the hypocritical, selfish musings of yet another teenage girl. I'm just trying to keep him afloat, when I'm helplessly drowning myself.

Tonight I'll post some pictures of myself, y'all need to see the fat girl you seem to think the world of. I'm nothing amazing, and you need to know that.

Sorry to be wasting your time with this blog.

Friday, 25 March 2011


Well you know you're getting lazy when you go to work in a maxi dress, just to later discover that your armpits really do need shaving. Nuff said ;D

I dare you (:

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Veratile blogger award (:

Thanks to the AMAZING "a.beautiful.mess" for this award. She's a lovely (:

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift

2. Share seven things about yourself.

3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.

4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

Hmm seven things...

1) I fall in love quickly, but it takes me longer to trust people. Trusting people almost never happens.

2) I currently absolutely fucking DESPISE noodles. I swear, it's the only thing I can eat, and whilst ordinarily it'd be all cool... I HATE THEM. Even the word. Bleurgh.

3) I have a dog called Jessie. Wait, it's not as boring as it sounds. Jessie is the living embodiment of the cliche - she's attacked seven postmen. Oh the lols. Apologies to any postmen reading this, but y'know it's kinda funny thinking of a foot high middle aged (7 years) dog, attatching herself to the clothing of multiple postmen.

4) My father makes my skin crawl. What with his cocaine sniffing, dating girl closer to my own age than his, and constant lies. It just makes me sick. Yes I know I may be a slight hypocrite, but at least I know when to stop. See the next bullet point if you're confused xD

5) I have taken cocaine and smoke copious amounts of weed. But I promised Rasmus (boyfriend) that I wouldn't do anymore hard drugs. Even though I have a list of everything I want to try, which pretty much includes everything that isn't crack, heroin or crystal meth. I prolly will still try them, just keeping it a secret. Next on the list... ACID ladies and gentlemen.

6) I have a stalkerish love of James Corden. I actually cried when I found out he was engaged with a baby on the way. I've been deeply in love with him since I first saw him appear as Smithy on Gavin and Stacey. He makes me quiver.

and finally...

7) I find jokes about turkish people excrutiatingly funny. I'm always asking my mum when she's going to marry her cousin. And don't hate... I'm ALLOWED xD

Now  the bloggers I'm going to give this to are (in no particular order):

* A Journey to Bones
* Behind the Fat
* Teach Me How To Love Myself
* Deer&Wolves
* Maigre, S'il Vous Plait
* Control
* Mosaic.Heart

Y'all are amazing (: <3

Tuesday, 22 March 2011


I swear if I see another packet of noodles I will scream. Okay that's a lie, because noodles are all I can eat on this fucking liquid fast. But I will scream in my mind.


I despise them. I haven't weighed since last time, I'll weigh on Friday. I've lost count of how many days it's been since I started, but every day now seems like one giant ass noodle. I'm even sick of the word. N-OO-D-ELLL.


Oh also, I was nominated by the lovely "a beautiful mess" as a versatile blogger! I'll be giving you a link to her blog next post, and also nominating my seven (:

Love you girlies! Stay strong <3

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Still Liquid Fasting

Everyday is getting pretty damn hard. Last night it was all I could do to top myself making a peanut butter and chocolate spread sandwich! But I didn't give in, and I won't give in. I'ma go weigh myself now, and damn well hope it's decent news. Wish me luck.

I'm now 137lbs. So I've lost 6lbs, but somehow it doesn't seem like enough. Why haven't I lost more this week?

Blah I'm pretty annoyed with my current job. I never understood the loophole of commission only which is indeed cancellations. You get cancellations, you work them off, you get little or no money. I need a new job, hopefully as an aupair.

I understand how boring this post is, so for now just enjoy some thinspo (: