I cut. A lot. I hadn't cut since maybe September time, I can't remember. But last night that wash came over me, it just got so overwhelming and I couldn't bear another minute. The boys just took the piss so much, but it had been such a bad day anyway.
Gore and Ganja stole my cigarettes, then started smoking them even though I'd told them not to. They hid my coat, my shoes, and then Gore tagged on my rat cage. That shit's permanent. Then Parry just started being a pisstake and laughing and I snapped. I can't take this shit. It all seems so fucking trivial but it was just a fucking build up of everything.
I have work today. I should have left by now but I just don't have energy. I'll go to work today. I have to. See, I'm clinging on to the hope that one day everything will be better, but that hope is like a fading candle. There isn't much flame left.
I'm starting to get control of my eating again. I'm going to go to my mum's whilst she's at work and steal the scales back. Because I need them. I'm probably 138 easily. It's a horrible number. I want to be 125 again, that was good. I say good, because it's like when I was that weight, the badness had melted away. I had that one thing I could control and manage. People cared about me when I was that weight too. Now they don't.
Sorry for the rant. I just don't know how much more you can take.
How have you all been in my absence?
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ranting is good, release the tension and all that jazz. and i know the build up of emotions.
ReplyDeletejust so you know, i care. it isn't the same as having people around you that care, i know, i do live in another country, but it's something i guess.
Oh sweetheart, never be sorry! We're all here for you, no matter how you're feeling.
ReplyDeleteI know the ranting mood. Sometimes you just have to let it out, and if you can't do it here, then where can you?
Glad you're beginning to regain control of your eating!
You always post me such motivational comments, it truly makes me feel like things can and will be so much better soon. And they'll be better for you soon, too.
:) xx