Monday, 30 August 2010

White Noise.

It seems that no matter how hard I try to escape, it's impossible.
The noise in my mind is the loudest of all the noises. I've been trying so hard to stop being ill, to start being normal. But the voices inside my head, the screaming is more than I can take.

How can it be so difficult to eat guiltlessly, like a normal person? It's seems we're the fly, and this stupid disorder spectrum is the venus fly trap. It doesn't matter how hard we try to get out - not many of us can escape.

There's no such thing.
But maybe one day the trap will die? And, maybe one day, we can learn how to live again.
No body does.

Friday, 27 August 2010

Tuesday, 24 August 2010


I feel dizzy on nicotine, it's fucking fantastic. Don't worry, not from cigarettes. Basically, cause I'd stopped cold turkey and was finding it harder and harder, I went to the pharmacy today and signed up on the NHS quit smoking thingumy. I've got inhalators and they're fucking amazing. I never thought I'd say this, but dear God - thanks for the NHS.

I've been working all day today, and it's been cool. But everytime someone walked across my freshly mopped floor, a part of me died inside. True story. It's a pet peeve of mine, walking across just mopped floors. Am I the only one?

The voices aren't here so much today. It's a good day.
I'm always stronger when I haven't eaten. Just trying to figure out if this is good or bad.

Sunday, 22 August 2010

To You.

For months now I've wanted to be the friend you can talk to. It hurts every single day because I never forget and it's never gets better and I still miss you just as much as I did the first day that you told me you couldn't see me anymore. And now I know you need someone more than ever, but you that someone isn't me anymore.

I'm not going to burst the fragile, protected bubble that we have around us at this very moment. Because you're talking to me, even if it is just MSN. I need to hang on to every chance I have of talking to you, of seeing you. Even though every single thing that I have within me is screaming out to me, to ask you and beg and plead with you to see me again. Even if it's one last time.

Because remember when I told you I'd die for you? I wasn't lying.

Your Voice Has Chased Away All The Sanity In Me

Eat to block it out, you know you can't face being empty
The world is out to get you, don't tackle this gently
You're a failure, you're scum. You'll never get through this
It doesn't matter how many times she can show you how to do this

At her mercy, you succumb to her will
Purging and starving, cutting deeper yet still
You're useless you see, you've signed over all rights
This life is no longer yours to live.


Meh. Spur of the moment. A kitten died in my arms last night; her name was Janey and she was only 4 weeks old. Runt of the litter. I was going to take her home, to nurse her better. But I noticed something was really wrong and tried to give her some lactol. She drank a lot - but then she stopped breathing.

Last night my dad called too. When I told my mum I didn't want to talk to him, she told me to stop thinking I was better than everyone else. To stop being so selfish and petty. I don't mean to be - it's just that I won't let him ruin my life again. As if there's any life left for him to ruin.

I'd forgotten Prince's laugh, of all things. But I went video searching and found it. I miss him a lot.

This has been a very selfish post, and I'm sorry.

Friday, 20 August 2010

Fuck up.

Results day. To put the long story short, I got CDDE. I'm taking a C and a D through to A2 level, and I'm retaking the other D and the E. I'ma start Drama AS too, so that in my 3rd year I've still got 3AS to continue onto Alevel. It sucks.

In my post results crying haze, I ate a shitload. Well, I say shitload it was more like 500-600 calories. However much it was, I'ma back up to 133lbs from 131lbs. I also had 24 laxatives, so I'm having to not go into work tomorrow. Plus side, my mum told me not to eat until the runs subside. She doesn't know it's because of the laxies. I don't know what it is, but I'm managing to fool myself into thinking that I'm normal so long as I'm not throwing up again. Laxies don't count, do they?

I'm not eating until I hit 131lbs again. I'm dying my hair red today instead.

LOL EPIC FAILAGE. This is an edit, and I just ate chinese and icecream. Mmh.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Summer is the hardest.

Summer is when everyone has something to do, so summer is when posting goes to shit. I need to be able to read, to comment, to read my own comments. Because if for one minute I don't have something to occupy my time, I either cry or eat or eat whilst crying. I'm selfish, I know. Someone once told me that depression was selfish. I suppose it is.

I eat strange things now - I like salty food the most. You think me saying strange is overrated but no; I eat a few cat biscuits whenever I'm at the petshop, because it's the only thing that stops me from running to the MacDonalds next door. I even tried rabbit food today, but that wasn't nice. The dry cat food however, may end up staying. I feel stupid for it. I want to be able to eat normal amounts, as opposed to eating nothing most of the time and shitloads paired with purging the rest. I just want to be ablle to eat without having to punish myself. But then I suppose eating is a disgusting thing, in my mind.

It's like a war - mind vs body.

Results day tomorrow - good luck to all of the A level students.

Tuesday, 17 August 2010


So I'm 132lbs, and that's okay. I've had about 300calories today, so hopefully I'll be 130ish tomorrow.

I'm struggling to remember the actual time in which lying to defend this stupidly selfish deathwish became mandatory.

Saturday, 14 August 2010

I'm weighing myself tomorrow.

They're watching you y'know. Laughing at you, whispering about you. You're a pig. You don't deserve to want to be thin, I'm just going to let you be empty. Empty in the heart, empty in the head. By the time I'm through with you, you won't have a soul.

Friends, you call them friends? They're there to laugh at you, to egg you on in your mindless behaviours. They cannot even begin to fathom your need for this perfection which you cannot understand yourself. The smiles they give, the hugs you recieve, you know it's all lies. This world is messed up, twisted. They only pull you in close so that they can watch you crumble as they stab you in the back. But you know this.

How dare you let them in so close you idiotic little girl. They'll never want you - not even you want you. You've put on mask after mask that I've handed you, lapping up the attention I'm giving you like a sick little puppy. And my plan has worked. Because now you rely upon me, and noone but me, to try to redefine your identity. Even though you found out a long time ago, that I will never allow you to be the person you used to be. 

You're pitiful, and you know this. Every refusal of food, every second of wolfing down whatever you can find like there's no tomorrow, every minute that you are alive and breathing - you are pitiful. It would be better off that you weren't on this earth, but rather under it. People will cry, false tears of course. Because you aren't worth real tears now, are you?

So cling on to the false hope that someday you can break free of me, and seek false security in the meantime. But don't you ever dare forget that I'm always here. And you will return to me, every single time.

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Momma, I just killed a man.

No I didn't, my dad did. And if I go to the police and tell them, I'll be kicked out by my family.

My dad turned up last night, high off coke having been driving. My mum then proceeded to get into the car with him and allow him to drive. He tried to come into the house too. I just shut the door on him.

My creativity is dying guys, it makes me feel like my time on this blog is up.