Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Dinosaur (:

No more weightloss. Not for now.

I'm getting married in January ladies, and I have a baby on the way. I'm 7 weeks pregnant, and I have to get this right. I know a lot of mums call the baby tadpole, but it really does look like a dinosaur.

Because of my weight issues, and having had a bmi of around 17.5 when I found out I was pregnant, my pregnancy is high risk. I've miscarried before and I'm going to do everything I damn well can to get this right.

So I eat now. Whenever I eat a voice in my mind screams at me that I'm doing wrong. Whenever I'm full my head pounds the steady drum of words - This Will Not Stay Down. Whenever I look in the mirror at the little bump I now have, sometimes I want to cry.

But I'm not going to be sick, and I mustn't cry. I have to eat for my baby.
So for now, my bmi is 21.5. And I'm proud.

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Recovery is a farce.

I thought I could try recovering and losing weight at the same time, but I knew that wasn't so. Cause my mind still ticks in overtime.

Total calories have all been less than 1000. And after exercise, net calories have all been below 650.

This isn't healthy. But my bones have started to pop out. I won't stop.

Monday, 3 October 2011

Rainbows and Sparkles and Fire galore.

Once there was a girl with long dark hair. She used to sit at her room window everyday and watch the cars go by, imagining what life could be like outside her little world. She wanted this perfection, and she wanted the happiness. Her room became her world, and she made it as close to outside as she could.

When Anger came and brought her food, she'd smile sweetly and eat it all. When Anger left she'd open her mouth and rainbows would fly out. The rainbows were good, because they blocked out everything the room stood for. She controlled the rainbows and that was all that mattered.

Whenever the girl looked outside she saw a little package under a tree, andeven though it was closed, that parcel she knew would contain everything she ever wanted. Because it was outside. But she couldn't go outside. She couldn't control outside.

Days passed and the girl began to cry and make little red crisscrosses up her arms and legs, like the stitching on her dress. The rainbows came more often, and became uglier. But she never let a tear fall. If she did, Anger would win. The fire in her heart started to go out, and the sparkle in her eyes started to die. Maybe it didn't matter what was outside.

One night, with the fire nearly out and the sparkle threatening to go, the girl had lots of magic buttons and burning water. She took the buttons one by one, swallowed the magic elixir and waited to be carried away. She woke up with Anger in a strange room, with straws in her arms taking the elixir away and pillow sheets on her crisscrossed arms and legs.

She was Outside.

But it didn't matter, not really. Because the fire was out, and the sparkle had gone. With one little sob, the embers exploded and the rainbows blasted out. The sparkle had almost never existed in the little girl's eye.

All that she'd wanted was to keave that room.
But satisfying that dream had led to her doom.

It didn't matter in the end if the tears left her eyes, as what had been broken in the first place could never have been put together again.