Day two ease in...

Gah, my work computer is fucking up and won't let me comment on any of your blogs! But if y'all facebook add me or something, then until I can get this fixed I'll be more than happy to talk to y'all via that.

I'm on day 2 of the ease in for master cleanse. I did well yesterday (just live foods) and ate one orange and a banana. I weighed yesterday at 144lbs (disgusting), and this morning I'm 139lbs (still disgusting). I've just been drinking tomato juice today, so hopefully that'll help me shift weight. I just need to buy some laxatives to help with the daily bowel movements.

Darlings I hope you're all okay, and doing much better than I am weight wise. Let me know how everything is <3

Largeeee.

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large

adjective /lärj/ larger, comparative; largest, superlative Of considerable or relatively great size, extent, or capacity - add a large clove of garlic - the concert attracted large crowds Of greater size than the ordinary, esp. with reference to a size of clothing or to the size of a packaged commodity - the sweater comes in small, medium, and large sizes Pursuing an occupation or commercial activity on a significant scale - many large investors are likely to take a different view Of wide range or scope - we can afford to take a larger view of the situation I can feel the 190 calorie worth of crisps just melting down into fat and attaching itself to my LARGE behind.  The only way around this is to give myself  a deadline. Friday coming, if I'm not less that 135lbs, I have to post pictures of my body. My disgusting body.

Fat. Fat. Fat. Selfish. Bitch.

I'm a bad person, and I know I am. Today I've still been eating, and I know I shouldn't be. I know it's a terrible thing to do, and despite the advice I give all of you about controlling your mind, it's something that I can't seem to do. It's pathetic. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the yellow, parasitic fat clinging to me. I hate hearing my voice and knowing that I'm failing. I hate competing with myself, and trying to do better, knowing that I'm setting myself up to fail.

There are tears I'm struggling to hold back, these tears are threatening to overwhelm me, racing to escape me and become a flood of salty emotion. Emotion isn't something I deal with well.

I feel selfish, always blogging about myself and what I want. I want a mum, I want a family, I want to earn money, I want to be thin, I want this, I want that. I I I. Why can't I just be better? Why can't I be what I aspire to be... why can't I be just like you?
So many conditions are placed upon happiness. I'd be happier if I was [thinner, smaller, more successful, if I had a boyfriend, a girlfriend etc etc]. Why can't happiness just be an option that we can choose, and not worry about?

I had a dream last night that I cheated on Drummer. Everything seemed so real, and when I woke up it seemed so surreal that I thought I had. And I was overcome with so much guilt... Because I cheated on my first boyfriend. I kissed someone else, but this dream was worse, so much worse. It was passionate, lustful, and it was about someone I know. Someone I've slept with before, who made me feel so light in how he could pick me up and swing me around. He made me feel really... beautiful. Drummer makes me feel pretty, makes me feel like I'm the one. He's on holiday at the moment, and I miss him beyond belief. I'm just so scared that I'm going to fail him.

What if they're all right? What if I'm still a slag, just as I always have been? I don't know anymore. I really don't.

I'll post pictures of my body either tonight or in the morning. And I'll be revealing who I am in the very near future.

Girls you're amazingly supportive so thank you. Sorry that you have to put up with me.

Collapse vs Revealing Myself

Well liquid fasting saw me collapse at the weekend, which was not very fun. My doctor said I have to eat at least breakfast. So I ate a fry up. But I have also taken 12 laxatives and am in pain because of it. I hate laxatives and I hate the fact that I'm due on my period, and I hate eating. So I'm not going to take my doctors advice. I'll eat today, about 1600, then go back to liquid fasting. All of this nonsense has put me up to 137lbs, at least it's a pre-period weight, but still. I should have lost so much more by now.

On the plus side, my collapse made me decide to drink and dye my hair xD. I look like I have candy floss on my head.

Girls... I'm thinking about revealing who I really am... But I'm nervous about doing so - y'know, about letting this world and my reality meet eachother. What d'you think?

What are you most excited about today?

I JUST ORDERED SUSHI AND AM HAVING IT DELIVERED TO MY WORK PLACE!

Ask me whatever you like (: