Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Fat. Fat. Fat. Selfish. Bitch.

I'm a bad person, and I know I am. Today I've still been eating, and I know I shouldn't be. I know it's a terrible thing to do, and despite the advice I give all of you about controlling your mind, it's something that I can't seem to do. It's pathetic. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the yellow, parasitic fat clinging to me. I hate hearing my voice and knowing that I'm failing. I hate competing with myself, and trying to do better, knowing that I'm setting myself up to fail.

There are tears I'm struggling to hold back, these tears are threatening to overwhelm me, racing to escape me and become a flood of salty emotion. Emotion isn't something I deal with well.

I feel selfish, always blogging about myself and what I want. I want a mum, I want a family, I want to earn money, I want to be thin, I want this, I want that. I I I. Why can't I just be better? Why can't I be what I aspire to be... why can't I be just like you?
So many conditions are placed upon happiness. I'd be happier if I was [thinner, smaller, more successful, if I had a boyfriend, a girlfriend etc etc]. Why can't happiness just be an option that we can choose, and not worry about?

I had a dream last night that I cheated on Drummer. Everything seemed so real, and when I woke up it seemed so surreal that I thought I had. And I was overcome with so much guilt... Because I cheated on my first boyfriend. I kissed someone else, but this dream was worse, so much worse. It was passionate, lustful, and it was about someone I know. Someone I've slept with before, who made me feel so light in how he could pick me up and swing me around. He made me feel really... beautiful. Drummer makes me feel pretty, makes me feel like I'm the one. He's on holiday at the moment, and I miss him beyond belief. I'm just so scared that I'm going to fail him.

What if they're all right? What if I'm still a slag, just as I always have been? I don't know anymore. I really don't.

I'll post pictures of my body either tonight or in the morning. And I'll be revealing who I am in the very near future.

Girls you're amazingly supportive so thank you. Sorry that you have to put up with me.


  1. We don't 'put up with' you, you're a pleasure to read (sorry if that sounds kinda weird --- not good with words) but yeah, you are a great person with great advice and the whole point of a blog is to talk about yourself, to let all your feelings and emotions run free becuase others can relate. You're not a bad person we all have bad days that doesn't make us any less of a human being just remember every minute is a chance to change and happiness will come, it has to eventually.
    Take care look after yourself with love Ninja xxx
    P.s. sorry for typos and spelling mistakes

  2. Here are my answers!
    Do you have any safe foods? Vegetables definitely and some fruits. Black coffee. I don't believe in safe foods: a calorie is a calorie although if the calories are not from a carb I'm less pissed at myself.
    Movie you can watch over and over again? Love actually, bridget jones, and most romances! It's the romance and movies that evoke the most emotion (ie crying, laughter) that I can watch again and again.
    Nicest thing everyone has done for you?
    Firstly I'm super glad someone stood and saved you :D
    A recent one is when a friend I had met recently and barely knew sat with me and bought me lunch on a day I just wanted to give up on life. They tried to help by keeping me company and that for me was so amazing.
    And because you say you got sushi- what kind of sushi do you get? I gave the list already but I like most of them :) mmmm yummy!

    Today was a high day for me because of darn sushi. It was a bad day all around. Bleh

    And I love vivid and realistic dreams except when they have horrible stuff like cheating, fighting, scary things etc
    You're lovely :)


Write away, I promise I'll listen.