Shhh.

It's a niggle. A secret.
It's a whisper that carries you away. A voice sweeping through you.

It's doubt. It's shame.
It's all a horrific game that threatens to consume you.
It's a double life, but you can't choose which to live. It isn't a choice.

It's fear. You can't stand the not knowing.
You can't help feeling every little bit. Questioning everything around you.
It's always there. It doesn't matter how many times you try to run,
because it runs just as fast.

It runs faster. Overtakes you.
Consumes you.

Until running just isn't an option anymore.
Though, it never was, was it?

And in a heart beat, it's all back, threatening to overwhelm you.

But you can't show anyone. You can't tell anyone.

It's our secret.

In The Background

I've been contemplating for a long time whether or not to post. It's always been in the back of my mind.

I'm better now.
I eat now.
I have an amazing daughter and a lovely husband now.
I'm happy. Most of the time.

So why do I want more? 

I crave thin. Every bite I take is calculated. Behind every snack or meal, is a head full of loathing and a need to find an excuse for why I am The Way I Am.

S says that I shouldn't be like this, that I'm grown up now, and that it's selfish.

But three years on, the thoughts are still there. It's a battle, and I don't think I'm strong enough to fight.

Only time will tell.