Lost myself, and I'm no where to be found

Help, I have done it again. I have been here so many times before...

I used to listen to those songs, so often. Back when all of this was a game, and I tried to make it fun. When I was proud of myself for not eating. It never lasted.

I used to listen to those songs when I was screaming silently, crying myself to sleep. When I'd use broken hangers to slice my skin. When I had vodka and pills and didn't understand why I'd still woken up the next morning.

Hurt myself again today, and the worst part is there's no one else to blame.

I don't listen to those songs anymore. I don't read the books. I find it hard to read back, to the person I used to be. It all took on such a sinister edge. It consumed me.

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.


Now I have my daughter. She's two soon. She's perfect. She's all I need.

So why have I been throwing up?

So why have I been binging?

I used to think that I could just switch off these feelings whenever I wanted to. That, if I really decided that's what I wanted to do, I could eat and feel good about myself.

The worst part of believing your own lies, is that once you realise, the only person you allowed yourself to trust becomes the biggest liar you've ever known.

So who do I turn to now?