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Saturday, 22 February 2014

Lost myself, and I'm no where to be found

Help, I have done it again. I have been here so many times before...

I used to listen to those songs, so often. Back when all of this was a game, and I tried to make it fun. When I was proud of myself for not eating. It never lasted.

I used to listen to those songs when I was screaming silently, crying myself to sleep. When I'd use broken hangers to slice my skin. When I had vodka and pills and didn't understand why I'd still woken up the next morning.

Hurt myself again today, and the worst part is there's no one else to blame.

I don't listen to those songs anymore. I don't read the books. I find it hard to read back, to the person I used to be. It all took on such a sinister edge. It consumed me.

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.


Now I have my daughter. She's two soon. She's perfect. She's all I need.

So why have I been throwing up?

So why have I been binging?

I used to think that I could just switch off these feelings whenever I wanted to. That, if I really decided that's what I wanted to do, I could eat and feel good about myself.

The worst part of believing your own lies, is that once you realise, the only person you allowed yourself to trust becomes the biggest liar you've ever known.

So who do I turn to now?

2 comments:

  1. your family and friends who care about you xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello my angel. It's been a while! It really touched me when I read your comment, mentioning your daughter. I am SO PROUD OF YOU. This little girl needs you. You are not only loved unconditionally but genuinely needed. You are so lucky. Focus on that, harness it. I know just how strong you can be, and I know that you'll be able to beat this. It's not going to be easy. You aren't a bad person because you binged or purged. Just keep fighting it. Think about how your daughter needs her healthy, strong mother to be there for her for a very long time. Look after yourself. It's so nice to have heard from you, I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. I'll try my best to stick around for a while. SENDING YOU ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD XXXXXX

    ReplyDelete

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