Sunday, 14 November 2010

Hunger is my rush... I'll never be small enough.

I'm an addict, up front and proper. Sometimes I wonder why do we bother with the pain when the gain, and the pain when we've lost. I don't understand this sickening game, yet I'm a pawn on the chessboard, I'm a prop on the stage - There's no point in trying, I've managed to guage that I won't make it to the end. So we've made our beds, let us lie in them they say. But they don't know how to make the sickness of dying go away.


My boss at the petshop won't stop calling me fat, and I'm always painfully aware of the slight bulge of my skin when I'm wearing my tight miniskirt, or the chafing of my thighs when I walk in heels. Often I just wish all of it could go away. I found a razorblade in a draw last night, in my room. I haven't gotten rid of it. It's right there, on the side, calling to me to spill my blood. But I can't. Because I remember how good it is, and I remember not wanting to stop. And I remember bloodstained sheets, and having cut too deep. And I remember my sister's face. And I remember the sunken look in my mum's eyes. So see, I can't do it again. But why can't I get rid of it?

I feel hungry. I haven't eaten since yesterday lunchtime, and I want to keep feeling hungry. I'd forgotten how good it was, how much of a buzz it was. I'd almost forgotten the strength in feeling weak. I've been called, and I've returned. And it scares me to shit.


On a lighter note, me and Jacob were discussing sex, and he ever so casually mentionned that I should try trimming. Apparently it feels nicer. I'm sorry, is my vag too hairy for you? ;D

I'll sort it at some point. But first I NEED TO RECLAIM MY SCALES. It shall be a mission, a mission with James Bond music in my head, and people coming at me from everywhere, and I valiantly battling through it all! Though in reality, I'll prolly just walk into the bathroom and pick them up, then put them in my bag and go home.

Sigh, I really do love being all dramatic. Though I also love being small. It seems the world doesn't particularly want me to be either of these things, eh?

How are you my darlings? What're your plans for today?


  1. my plans are to not eat. hmm, i dont want to fail today. im quite alright.

    stay lovely dearie. <3
    dramatic and small are a good combo. (:

  2. Awww...Im so very toached to such a warm welcome back. My cousin happened to call out on my fatness when he was over. That was once though. Your dealing with it EVERYDAY?


    plese, you dont need the razor blades, your awesomeness not your blood is what should ooze out of you and i know it will soon enough! :P lots of love...

  3. well, i didnt actually mean to cut. and then it just happened and i realized it when i stop... i was like oh, whoops. kinda.

    i dont think he'll say anything, but i dont really want to bring it up again. we texted after and hes like you really shouldnt do that and im like... i know. but idk.

    im kinda itchin for some weed. haha.


  4. thank you dearie, same to you.
    also, i have no idea what that means. haha.


  5. I LOVE YOU!
    and i have missed you.
    and your boss sounds like something thati probably shouldn't say over the internet but i hope you know what i mean... ?!

    i'm sending you all of my lovin'

  6. writing my Arabic test....blah. Hungry hungry, it is the best.

  7. Ahhh cut or not cut. Been there. I keep blades just to make me feel safe...which is quite contradictory. It makes me feel safe I guess until the urge is too much to resist. *sigh* what a pain.

    Plans for the rest of my night are to go home and curl up with Harry Potter...the book...not the boy. Hahah :D I'm lame. Hope you have a good night!

  8. tell your boss that theyre a bitch. hahah i'm glad you're resisting the blade. if not for your sake, your families.

    ooh, that hunger feeling. sometimes it drives me insane while other times it makes me feel sooooo good. weird.


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