Friday, 9 July 2010


Back down to 135lbs, following an epic binge and purge session. Throwing up when ketchup was involved in your binge is always a scary thing to do, eh? I guess I'm just going to have to deal with my bmi being 19.2 for today.

I  don't want to throw up. I hate the realisation that, once it's happened, I may just have to carry on. I hate knowing that each time I put my fingers down to the back of my throat, they come up dirtier, and the toilet bowl becomes fuller. Most of all, I hate being weak about it all.

I wasn't going to throw up. I was binging, and I was just going to take laxatives. But then my dad's friend came over and started talking to my mum about my dad's drug abuse. Then something just clicked. I'm sat here eating my troubles away, when it's my dad that needs saving, and my mum and sister that need help. So I threw what was left away, and I went upstairs and purged until I was sure there was nothing left.

Maybe if I get thin enough, just like last time, but even smaller, my mum and dad will be parents again. Because if I get sick enough, my dad will stop doing drugs.


  1. Glad you fixed your weight problem. Just be careful, Sweetie. You don't want to screw yourself up worse with Mia.
    Stay strong!

  2. Sweetie-
    you are 5 inches taller than me and a lot skinnier!!!!! you are very small!!!!
    and question-how do you know that if you"get sick enough (your) dad will stop doing drugs"? That seriously must be SOOOOOO hard having a dad that does drugs. I can only imagine :(
    But darling how do you know?? do you really know whats going to happen??? because i would LOVEEE to be able to know whats going to happen in the future for me but the truth of it all is i don't know.
    okay sorry that was a little harsh. please dont take it the wrong way but im trying to question your thinking.
    And I know how hard it is to just want to purge all those feelings out. I know that because I was there. I loved it because purging made everthing all better. But I'm glad I stopped so I don't need to live in too much secrecy any more. I've also been sick all summer so my throat hurting and coughing from being sick is never good if your trying to purge.. in my opinion.
    And you need saving too. Saving from all these irrational thoughts and from your family. You need the support and love just as much as the others in your family.
    Your beautiful.
    Stay strong please! I know how you feel and have been in your shoes.

  3. honestly lovely, i just want to come and give you a hug sound like you need one so here you go, *hugs*

    i know that thinking, i've thought that myself ...if one gets sick then everything is ok cause people will take care of you. but at the same time, i think we both know in reality that might not happen.

    is it a chance worth taking? i'm not so sure.

    take care, xo

  4. I can say when it comes to your battle with mia, i 100% completely understand. Every last word you wrote to describe how you feel about it, is what i battle every single day. its one of those things i wish i could take back in life and unlearn.
    i got really sick with mia and almost died once, and still go back to her so much. But you know, there is hope: for both of us. there has to be.
    So don't give up ok! its a battle youre not alone.
    Thank you so much for readiny my blog and for the comment! it means so much!
    you are truely amazing! Hang on. I promise you things will get better


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