Why hello there.

I sincerely apologise for having not posted for such an incredibly long time. I am a shit person to follow.

Jacob dumped me. It's because of the cigarettes, but I can't give up. It's too difficult. And I also think that just maybe, I can't give up. Either way, every day has been harder than the last. To think that I'll never wake up next to him, or kiss him, or be held by him ever again brings me to tears. I did cry yesterday, because I just hate all of this so much.

I also realise just how off the wagon I have well and truly fallen. So as of today I shan't eat any meat, aside from when Mum Julie makes her roast once a week, because I can't ask her to make me something different - she slaves over that stove.

I will buy some scales, new digital scales. And this will start again. I pledge to starve, purge, and take laxatives. Because everything needs to be righted again.

Fucked off beyond belief.

I fucking despise being made to feel guilty about depression. My depression is back and the worst it's been in a while, and Jacob just doesn't understand. I have no energy to fight it, let alone get up off of the couch I've been sleeping on for the last week. If I can't walk 10 steps into my bedroom (right next to the living room), then how can I find it within myself to see or talk to anyone?


This is the boy that I sometimes think I could marry. But right now I wonder if this is the boy that will ever truly understand me. I don't know if he still reads my blog since finding it. Part of me hopes he'll see this post, because I don't think I could tell him this. 


Last night my sister sent me a text telling me how much she's been crying because of me. Because I left. Funny thing is, I left mainly because she would cry every night hearing the arguments I had with my mother. After that I went and bought ten cigarettes and smoked them within an hour. So much for giving up. 


Today Jacob and I have been doing nothing but arguing about my depression, and the fact that I lie about it. I don't have the energy to argue about it anymore. The depression isn't my fault. I refuse to accept that it's my fault.


It's like all grip on reality has disappeared. And I can't regain it into my clutches again.

Depression.

Last night was perhaps the hardest night I have faced in a while. The thoughts overwhelm me.

I have found a razor, I have found diet pills. I have lost my sanity.

I haven't used them yet, not really. I never was much good with razors anyway. It's just the sheer difficulty in not wanting to wake up every morning, but not being able to get to sleep either.

I'm pretty sure I got that from "better that we break". Y'all should listen to that song and tell me what y'all think.

Old Woman.

I don't think I've ever managed to convey to anybody how much I truly hate having old woman hips. They dislocate and I have sciatica and I fucking hate it.


Haven't been able to make it into college, and have had to cancel one of my final driving lessons.


Yes, whilst I will admit that this is a fairly uneventful post, I needed to let you all know how much I despise my bones.

Confusion.

I don't know if I can carry this blog on any longer. 


Jacob found it. He was scanning through my emails on hotmail and decided he wanted to know what my blog is about. He read a lot, and we argued. 


I feel like my privacy has been violated. Not because it was him in particular who found it, but just because it was found. He says he won't read it anymore, because he doesn't want to know anymore than he's already found out. But now my blog has been discovered. It's like my blog has suddenly become a part of the real world, and I hate it.


Jacob went through a stage of drinking vodka every day. Now I'm sat here at 11.56 AM halfway through a bottle of vodka. I'm going to his house for a sunday roast soon.


I'm just so fucking tired of all of this.


Now if I'm feeling like cutting, I'm worried to post it.  Honestly, what would you do?

They Will Not Control Us.

I'm wasting money getting a cab to work, because I can't bear to be conscious of the fact that I'm outside. 


Today is not a good day.


And on that note, I just sneezed so hard that my headphones fell off of my head ;D 

Grarh.

"Grarh", ladies and gentlemen, is my fucked up way of saying "grr". Oh fun times ;D

Today is in fact one of those horrible days in which I know I'm going to have to go outside. I don't particularly want to leave the house, but hey.

I really don't like leaving the house... Do you ever have problems with it?