Monday, 13 December 2010

Fucked off beyond belief.

I fucking despise being made to feel guilty about depression. My depression is back and the worst it's been in a while, and Jacob just doesn't understand. I have no energy to fight it, let alone get up off of the couch I've been sleeping on for the last week. If I can't walk 10 steps into my bedroom (right next to the living room), then how can I find it within myself to see or talk to anyone?

This is the boy that I sometimes think I could marry. But right now I wonder if this is the boy that will ever truly understand me. I don't know if he still reads my blog since finding it. Part of me hopes he'll see this post, because I don't think I could tell him this. 

Last night my sister sent me a text telling me how much she's been crying because of me. Because I left. Funny thing is, I left mainly because she would cry every night hearing the arguments I had with my mother. After that I went and bought ten cigarettes and smoked them within an hour. So much for giving up. 

Today Jacob and I have been doing nothing but arguing about my depression, and the fact that I lie about it. I don't have the energy to argue about it anymore. The depression isn't my fault. I refuse to accept that it's my fault.

It's like all grip on reality has disappeared. And I can't regain it into my clutches again.


  1. it is not your fault. don't give in to that.
    but it is also something extremely difficult to understand unless you know what it is like to have it. sometimes hiding all of this hurts them more, i know it did my sister.

    i love you dear, i really do

  2. i agree with ivy, it isn't your fault. my friend had depression for ages and she didn't get on with her family at all. She felt that they didn't understand . When she told me about it i was shocked but then i was there for her and listened to her whenever she wanted someone to talk to. so basically, talk to someone, your friends, your sister, even i you don't think they will understand; it feels a lot better than bottling it up inside ♥

  3. Please talk to someone who can understand, I hate to think of anyone alone going through something like depression. Of course it's not your fault; it's like an illness and it needs curing <3 I really hope things look up soon x

  4. depression definitely isnt your fault, and dont let anyone make you think that. i hope you find someone to talk to about this that understands, and if you dont, im always here in cyberspace.

    sending you my love.
    i hope things get better. <3

  5. i hate when people force you to think you can just wake up happy. depression sucks and with out help it just takes time to move through it, stay strong

  6. i'm sorry he argues over your depression. i wish people would accept that we don't make ourselves depressed&that we won't snap out of it immediately. i hate when people tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself when really i'm just so goddamn sad i don't want to do anything. stay strong, darling. i hope you get some energy soon. get some sunlight if you can.

  7. They don't understand. It's like them being mad at you for being diabetic. Depression is an illness and it can be cured with the right help. I know you may not think it can be cured now but after you're well and experience something happy, you'll be happy you got help. I'm fighting through this one with you <3


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