Dead In Life.

134lbs. I'm eating the least I'm required to. I'm trying not to purge.

I'm trying to stay alive.

Mother.

Mum found out about purgining. Dentist has told me I have erosionish something in my teeth. I'm 136lbs. Mum's making me gain gain gain.

I'll be back soon.

It hurt... But I'm happy (:

Well I'm no longer a virgin, as of about 4pm today ^.^

It was special, I felt... pretty. Am I allowed to feel pretty? I ate a lot today, because I feel pretty, and because I think I'm allowed to let myself keep feeling pretty once in a while. I know I'm going to cry tomorrow because of the numbers, but at the moment I'm just trying to keep feeling pretty. "Like a supermodel, just healthy." That's how my friend Tim described me, bless him - I'm not sure whether to recoil or feel flattered!

I guess I've eaten around 1500 calories? I feel full, but that's okay. Just for today, I'm allowed (:  I feel strange - happy, but calm. Like nothing else matters. But I also feel sad. Because I know I'm not allowed to feel like this much longer. Especially not tomorrow. Tomorrow'll be 4 months since Prince died. Remember Prince? I told you all about him. <3 Prince... But I really miss him.

I still can't get rid of those memories - seeing him in the coffin, seeing him not looking like how he should. Supporting everyone else round, trying not to fall apart myself. Watching his mum hold him. Me reaching out to touch him. But maybe he's in a better place?

Yes my dears, recently I've been thinking about God. I'm a fully fledged atheist. But recently I've been thinking... What if?

Lots of love, 

A happily bloated Hazel.

Yay (:

Time: 2120. 

Weight: 132.6

Weight this morning: 132.8

That means, that even though I've eaten around 800 calories today, I've lost weight!

Maybe, for the first time in a long time, I'll see less that 132lbs tomorrow morning.

I haven't been purging, I just haven't been eating.

I've been slacking off of exercising, but I'm fixing that.

Swimming tomorrow ):

I'm not going to be trying to fast any time soon, because I know it'll cause a binge, but I think I'll restrict more and more and more. Because then I'll be fasting for days on end, because it's habit, not because I'm forcing myself to.

In regards to my last entry - I haven't lost it yet >.<

I'm panicking though.

It's happening this week.

And I'm currently fat. 

Oh Fuck.

Hazel.

HELP

One question, to be answered as quickly and as brutally as possible:

HOW MUCH DO YOU BLEED WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY.

Yes people, it's serious. And urgent.

Hazel.

Bottled Up

I self harmed last night, and would you like to know what the trigger was? I watched Eastenders. Yes, fucking Eastenders made me upset. The scene of Bradley's funeral came on, and in an instant I was back at the church on November 30th saying goodbye to Prince. I still can't get rid of the memory of his face staring back at me from the coffin. I still remember reaching out to touch him, and completely breaking down. I still remember having to hold it all in, and help Steve make his way around the church and back to his seat. Steve was falling to pieces. I was falling apart. I had to help Steve, I had to bottle it up. And now it's coming out thick and fast and I can't control it.

I weighed myself this morning. 134lbs. I remember just a few short weeks ago being able to weigh myself at night on a bad day, and not seeing a number any bigger than 133lbs. It's not even about fixing things anymore, I just have to get my control back. I've decided on my new rules - if it isn't a fruit, vegetable, or below 75 calories, it's not staying in my system. I'm desperate, and I don't know what to do about it. Even now I'm not particularly thinking, I'm just letting my fingers go across the keyboard, staring at them in a numb haze.

Last night I tried not to cry in front of my mum as we watched Eastenders. When it finished I ran into the kitchen, let out a few silent tears, pulled it together then went upstairs. I went into the bathroom, I caught sight of myself - tears streaming down my face, eyeliner having turned into a black smudge across my face. My "filled out" face. It's all true. I tried not to scream at myself as I stared at the scales and started to take my clothes off. The only noise I couldn't supress was a breathy scream, quiet. Like a rush of waves. That low, screech of everything I'd tried to keep in escaping. Getting on to the scales and trying to stop crying, seeing the numbers and feeling like I'd had the breath knocked out of me. Running to my room and breaking a hanger. Drawing it over my skin again and again. Screaming at a God I don't believe in, asking him why I couldn't cut deep enough, couldn't be thin enough. Asking him why I'm not allowed to be happy enough. Cutting more, deeper. Falling asleep finally.

I woke up this morning and looked at my wrist, I didn't cut very deep, it just looks sore with a few angry red lines criss crossing it. Went downstairs, had a breakfast of cucumber and 1 raw mushroom. Went back upstairs. Mum came up, found a broken hanger. She asked me why she was always finding broken hangers in my room. I could only stare at her, dumbfounded. She knows. I told her a while before, she saw the scars a while before. She knows what the broken hangers mean. She just ignores them.

I'm supposed to be doing homework. I'm supposed to go to the gym today. I don't know what's going to happen though. I just feel dead.

Fuller face = sexy? :S

Well I've been told that I have a "fuller and sexier face" since coming back from Belgium.

Fuck My Life.

Purging.

I've been away in Belgium my lovelies, sorry I haven't been able to post whilst I've been away. I ate a lot, purged a few times. Start weight for march is 134lbs. Eurgh.

I'm going to do the goals slowly. I'm also considering being a complete hypocrite; I said that *faddy diets* didn't work. Well I'm now swallowing my pride and considering starting ABC again. For about 10days at a time maybe? More on this later.

Today I ate a patty, 4 bbq wings and chips, and chocolate.

I threw up the chocolate.

So I ended up consuming around 700 calories.

I need to sort myself out. Earlier I was throwing up the first lot of chocolate in the bathroom, when my little sisiter called to me from downstairs. I ended up having a conversation with her mid-purge. I also purged later, more chocolate, in the kitchen sink whilst she was downstairs. Blood came up. Does that mean anything in particular?

Maybe when I'm thin enough I'll admit to an eating disorder. But right now it's not an option.

Also, I need more texting buddies. Urgently. Let me know lovelies.

Hazel.

Alive But Dying. I own these quotes. Do not attempt to use them without seeking my permission.

"Drag yourself up by the fingernails, don't look back and I won't let you fall. I'll give it my all, just show me you'll do the same"

"I count each breathe you take as a blessing. Let's stay in this place, safe in your arms I'll be till you're taken away from me"

"Whispers guided me through the darkness, but now the innocence is gone. Determination led me through, but now my battle to live is wrong"

"Because if I survive this pain, this test of will, because of I win then maybe peace is my prize"

"My scars are fading but I'm starting to again feel this longing from within. A tug of the tide, my heart tears in two. I'm growing wings"

"Because when your arms cage me, I feel safely imprisoned. Because when our faces are close I know I'm your only line of vision"

"I can't see straight, I can't breathe right - so lead me through. I know you're the only one that can get me through, but it's you that got me here in the first place"

"When I se the way they look at you it churns me up. When I see the way you're looking back I think "disappear" "

"Close my eyes and count to ten. This sickened game takes no prisoners"

"I haven't dealt with it but I've survived and I supposed now that it's the nest I can do. So as I lay and feel this twisted love, just know I'm secretly imagining your touch"

"Each time the number gets larger, I cry harder, try harder. Another part of mr seems to die faster. On the days that I win I know I'm closer to happiness. Because when I don't eat I know it's in to be thin"

"I find peace in the simplicity of knowing that one day I'll cut too deep. That maybe one day she'll actually cry for me and mean it. Blood iis my safety net"

"My soul will be pure. Annihilation of evil. Why can't you keep me here with you? I will be beautiful. Just keep me here with you"

"Yes sometimes I thrive on being empty. Because when I'm empty I don't have to feel a single thing"