Saturday, 6 March 2010

Bottled Up

I self harmed last night, and would you like to know what the trigger was? I watched Eastenders. Yes, fucking Eastenders made me upset. The scene of Bradley's funeral came on, and in an instant I was back at the church on November 30th saying goodbye to Prince. I still can't get rid of the memory of his face staring back at me from the coffin. I still remember reaching out to touch him, and completely breaking down. I still remember having to hold it all in, and help Steve make his way around the church and back to his seat. Steve was falling to pieces. I was falling apart. I had to help Steve, I had to bottle it up. And now it's coming out thick and fast and I can't control it.

I weighed myself this morning. 134lbs. I remember just a few short weeks ago being able to weigh myself at night on a bad day, and not seeing a number any bigger than 133lbs. It's not even about fixing things anymore, I just have to get my control back. I've decided on my new rules - if it isn't a fruit, vegetable, or below 75 calories, it's not staying in my system. I'm desperate, and I don't know what to do about it. Even now I'm not particularly thinking, I'm just letting my fingers go across the keyboard, staring at them in a numb haze.

Last night I tried not to cry in front of my mum as we watched Eastenders. When it finished I ran into the kitchen, let out a few silent tears, pulled it together then went upstairs. I went into the bathroom, I caught sight of myself - tears streaming down my face, eyeliner having turned into a black smudge across my face. My "filled out" face. It's all true. I tried not to scream at myself as I stared at the scales and started to take my clothes off. The only noise I couldn't supress was a breathy scream, quiet. Like a rush of waves. That low, screech of everything I'd tried to keep in escaping. Getting on to the scales and trying to stop crying, seeing the numbers and feeling like I'd had the breath knocked out of me. Running to my room and breaking a hanger. Drawing it over my skin again and again. Screaming at a God I don't believe in, asking him why I couldn't cut deep enough, couldn't be thin enough. Asking him why I'm not allowed to be happy enough. Cutting more, deeper. Falling asleep finally.

I woke up this morning and looked at my wrist, I didn't cut very deep, it just looks sore with a few angry red lines criss crossing it. Went downstairs, had a breakfast of cucumber and 1 raw mushroom. Went back upstairs. Mum came up, found a broken hanger. She asked me why she was always finding broken hangers in my room. I could only stare at her, dumbfounded. She knows. I told her a while before, she saw the scars a while before. She knows what the broken hangers mean. She just ignores them.

I'm supposed to be doing homework. I'm supposed to go to the gym today. I don't know what's going to happen though. I just feel dead.


  1. This is just a minor setback. You will get your control back! You want this too badly to not get there. You will see, in no time you will be back to losing weight again!


  2. Hey I'm Helen,
    Thank you for your comment! I love getting comments and yours was a lovely read!
    I'm sorry about your setback, kinda like sottile said, its just a setback, you can get your control back. Just start off slowly and build it up. xo

  3. Heyy, I found your blog through your post to Helen :) Glad I found it too.

    I've been there, screaming at my reflection through blurry, tear filled eyes and bleeding cuts on my's horrible, you don't deserve it.

    Like Helen and Sottile said though, you can get the control back. You can have something better than this.

    Take care *hugs* x

  4. I know what you mean, it started off about being about weight and it still is very important (not really the right word), its something else, I don't really know what or why, its so hard to explain, its so complicated, more comlicated than anyone can ever imagine.
    Hug, xo.

  5. I just found your blog too :]
    I understand how you feel about the numbers being overwhelming and resorting to self-harm...
    I need to get back my control too, and have a good time at the gym if you end up going ^^

  6. Thanks for your concern. I really appreciate it. I'm just not real sure what to do with it, though. Nothing else works for me.


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