Flirting, Parties, Mosh Pits, Zutes and Booze.

I went to see Avenged Sevenfold, Stone Sour and Hell Yeah yesterday at Hammersmith Apollo, and it was absolutely amazing! I went into my first ever MoshPit and here's the outcome xD:


1x knocked to the floor
1x landed on whilst on floor
1x bled on by some randomer
1x headbutted
3x punched in the face
COUNTLESS TIMES DESTROYING THE SHIT OUT OF MEN SIX TIMES MY SIZE.


It. Was. Amazing.


Partied afterwards, as I have been for the past few nights.


The voices came back again. Taunting what I eat. Questioning why I eat it. Talking about me, right in front of me.


Funny thing is, I don't think it was the weed. I flirted and made eyes at and danced with many people, just to drown out the noise in my head.


I miss things being easy. I hate living by myself. But I know that I can never go back.

WHY HAS IT BEEN SUCH A FUCKING LONG TIME?

It's been a disgusting amount of time since I last posted, and this is due to the fact that my laptop is well and truly dead. Black screen of death, plus a cursor. Would anyone like to fix my laptop for me?


My father. Two words that just sent so many conflicting emotions through my mind. I saw him today when I went to my mum's house to see my sister, and he just walked through the door. Says he'll take me out to dinner tomorrow. Gives me £100. I didn't want to take the money, I don't want to be bought off. I don't want to be the money grabbing daughter that copes just fine with having money thrown at in turn for not kicking up a fuss about his lifestyle. But I need the money to pay my rent, so this is what I must be for now. Fat, hypocritical money grabber. 


I'm large. Very large. All I feel is fat dripping everywhere, things jiggling as I walk. As I lay. As I breathe. I even hoped I might be pregnant, just to explain my fat swollen belly and belated period. But no. I am fat, and this is all. 


I don't understand the utter despising, self-loathing state of mind which I seem to have slipped in to. Though maybe I never slipped in to it, maybe it was always there, like a tumour. But now it's like a full blown cancer.


I think I'd rather have cancer. I'll probably go to hell for that. Though I don't think there is a hell - if there is, we're living in it.

Dad: Strike 27. You're out.

Guess who once again made the mistake of allowing herself to get attached to her father? I did. I spoke to him again the day before yesterday, and Jacob kept warning me not to let myself get hurt again. Made me promise I wouldn't.

Last night my dad called me and informed me that I would be living with my grandparents by the end of the week. Like fuck I am. And he also threatened Jacob, then telling me he liked him because he stood up to him. He promised he'd take me out to dinner tonight. But now his phone isn't connecting. That means he's smashed the handset and broken the sim.

I hate having a coke head for a father.

I have headlice and I want a cigarette and my laptop is completely fucked up and I can never do anything right.

Today I am angry. I am an angry snake, ready to lash out at anything that gets too close. I have spent the day crying, because everything is just too hard.

I have run out of clean clothes for college, and today was confined to the 6^th form room because my dress was an inch too short. The other girls wear shorter clothes than me. The other girls have many many clothes which they can wear. But I am punished, because I deserve it. I am punished because I do not have enough clothes, and because I cannot afford detergent to wash my clothes, and because even if I did have detergent I don’t know how to operate the washing machine in my new place.

This is horrible. And I just don’t want to do any of it. Hopefully today I will find out whether or not the council can pay my rent. If they can’t, then I suppose I’m screwed. I suppose I’m screwed either way – I don’t have enough money to pay for my retake exams. The money is due in tomorrow.

***

I used to be a delicate flower, but now my stem has been cut.

They used to call me a butterfly, but now I fly broken like a moth.

I once was a role model, the one to look up to, but now quite simply, I’m not.

I used to dread falling asleep, but now I dread waking up.

I Lost A Follower ):

I don't understand why I can't just do things right. Everything's great and Jacob is a fantastically supporting boyfriend, yet I still do everything so wrong wrong wrong. Everytime the subject of smoking is brought up he won't look at me. Everytime he won't look at me I feel dirty, disgusting, ugly. Of course I am all of these things, but sometimes it's just nice not to have to remember it.

Boys are becoming another game again. It's like everytime I talk to a guy, or meet a new guy, I have to make sure they fancy me. I have to make sure they think dirty things, think they have a chance, or fall in love with me. I did it with T, I did it with Lorenzo, I did it with Ex Boyfriend, I did it with Jacob. And everything is just one big game.

I need to get disgustingly pissed. Because at least when I'm drunk, nothing matters. Especially not the calories. I eat whatever I can get ahold of now, yet I still get told that I'm slimmer than I used to be. I eat and eat and eat. I try to ignore the screaming in my mind, the screaming that's outside of my mind, the screaming that I know people would be doing if they knew what a fat cunt I really am. And what a bitch I am. And how worthless they should have realised much earlier that I am. 

I shouldn't be this good at fooling people. But if I have to be, then I should at least not have a conscience. Because this is just too difficult.

Ahem.

My tongue has a big thick silver bar through it. Aye, my tongue is pierced. Which is odd cause I've always hated the idea of tongue piercings, but hey!

I can't help feeling just that litle bit empty. I might just have to give up soon.

Doesn'tGiveAFuckNess

Well I pretty much established that Ronald doesn't give a fuck what I'm looking at on Blogger, so therefore I have established a "Doesn't-Give-A-Fuck-Ness" about screening the computer when I'm on this (: 


I'll be moving into my own place by the end of this week [well I say "own place", but in actuality I'm paying £75 a week to have my own pretty epic room and almost complete usage of the rest of the tree-story house], and I shall explain how now; on Monday night I was admitted to the psychiatry unit at A&E, which my bitch of a mother obviously didn't take too well turning up at 2230. It's cool tho, I'd only been there since 1800 y'know? Long story short, they did fuck all, sent me home, and the next day I grew enough bollocks to tell her I was leaving.


I won't lie, my elated mood is prolly due to the random change of surroundings - GIRLS I WILL BE BACK TO MY EMO-LIKE ANALYTICS OF MY CLINICAL DEPRESSION IN NO  TIME ;D




I kid - though I have been doing some epic research having found my old diary and such, and I found an old post which may interest y'all. It fucking tore me to shit at the time, and if this hadn't made me see I really wasn't normal, then I don't know what would have.


"You mustn't sleep because the nightmares will get you. You see them whenever they close your eyes. Some people are silly, and they say that it's okay, they say that you should talk about your nightmares because that will make them less real. But they're either lying or they haven't got a clue.


Sometimes when you close your eyes you see your sister being raped, sometimes you see your mum dying. A lot of the time you see your dad doing all the things he used to do. And the thing is, it's your fault. It's all your fault, the dreams. Even when your dad has been doing these things in real life, you know it's your fault really. Why couldn't you be perfect enough? Because you're weak, that's why.


All anyone has to do is look at you and they'll realise. It's in your eyes. You're never going to be anything. You'll never be anyone."


Reality is a bitch, ladies and gentlemen.

YOYOYOMOFOHOMO.

Things are fucking being sorted at last! I feel happier now which is an epic (: 


Speaking of epic, did anybody watch Rudetube earlier on tonight? It was on at 2200 UK time. LOLs much.


Okies, I still hasn't gone my own internet laptop shiz, but I get my own home thing soonish - SHALL EXPLAIN MORE LATER! And when I do, I promise I will catch up on as many blogs as possible. Easiest way to do this is to drop me a comment, then I can link to your blogs istantly, whether I'm following them yet or not <3


I love y'all, just thanks for being there for me. If I don't do the same for you, feel free to track me down and bitchslap me (:

Gahdrizzle.

Okies a lotta shit has been happening, and long story short I've kinda moved out. But yeahh :D


Shall update later, and sorry I can't check out your blogs atm, let me know if anything happens <3

Diary.

I found an old diary that I used for a couple of months, back when all of this was just a game. I used to love playing the game, figuring out ways to trick people out, to get away with eating as little as possible. Though even then I was pro at making myself feel as shite as possible.

I've started writing in that diary again, just so that I can begin to try to make sense of this all. And I've got an idea about what to do with it when I'm finished too. A couple of months back, when I went up to Falmouth to visit Jess, I left a piece of paper with a secret on it and the URL to my blog on a door in a toilet; I think I might continue doing this, at random places all over the country. Perhaps leaving small packages too. And when my diary is filled, I'm going to leave that somewhere too. With any luck, one of y'all will find it.

I've skipped college again today, I know I shouldn't because my attendance is around 30-40%, but I just can't face it today. At least I know my doctor appointment is at half 5 today. I keep trying to convince myself that this is a good thing.

BEEFEATER ZOMFG!

Okay, Beefeater is basically like a gastro-pub, for those of you who were confused by my last pub. It's like Harvester or Steakhouse. It's pretty damn epic too ^.^

It was a pretty cool night, and I whilst I may be slightly kicking myself for my intake, I don't entirely regret it. I also stayed up late last night with my mum; we are the cool people who watch X Factor at 1am, because we were too busy earlier on in the day. EPIC.

I don't feel as peppy as yesterday, but I'm trying hard to come across that way. People told me they miss the old me; only thing is, that I don't remember who I made her to be.

If you could have your ideal personality, what would it be? And remember that this isn't about looks - this about your inner beauty.

It Was A Good Day (:

Today was a pretty decent day; the petshop took around £900, and I got a payrise. My boss commented on me being fat, and not looking as if I threw up, but hey. He's a bit of a knob at times anyhow!

I'm on my way out now to Beefeater, and I'm not feeling too nervous about it! I don't know what it is about today, but I feel so damn hyperactive, which I take as amazing considering the major anxiety I've had over the last month or so ^.^

How did your days go today lovelies? <3

Off To Work

Aye, I'm off to work now.

Last night I was nearly in tears because I heard some rumours that had gone around about me. That I go from guy to guy, sleeping with anyone and everyone. That I don't, and never will care.

I'm going to pretend to be happy today.

New Me.

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As of this coming Thursday, I will be the new me. My hair is being cut and dyed bright red, though I need help deciding on the cut. I will get some new piercings, and I will put pictures up in my room. I'm going to be the showstopper.

So tell me which hairstyle you think is best - they're numbered.

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