WHY HAS IT BEEN SUCH A FUCKING LONG TIME?

It's been a disgusting amount of time since I last posted, and this is due to the fact that my laptop is well and truly dead. Black screen of death, plus a cursor. Would anyone like to fix my laptop for me?


My father. Two words that just sent so many conflicting emotions through my mind. I saw him today when I went to my mum's house to see my sister, and he just walked through the door. Says he'll take me out to dinner tomorrow. Gives me £100. I didn't want to take the money, I don't want to be bought off. I don't want to be the money grabbing daughter that copes just fine with having money thrown at in turn for not kicking up a fuss about his lifestyle. But I need the money to pay my rent, so this is what I must be for now. Fat, hypocritical money grabber. 


I'm large. Very large. All I feel is fat dripping everywhere, things jiggling as I walk. As I lay. As I breathe. I even hoped I might be pregnant, just to explain my fat swollen belly and belated period. But no. I am fat, and this is all. 


I don't understand the utter despising, self-loathing state of mind which I seem to have slipped in to. Though maybe I never slipped in to it, maybe it was always there, like a tumour. But now it's like a full blown cancer.


I think I'd rather have cancer. I'll probably go to hell for that. Though I don't think there is a hell - if there is, we're living in it.