I Lost A Follower ):

I don't understand why I can't just do things right. Everything's great and Jacob is a fantastically supporting boyfriend, yet I still do everything so wrong wrong wrong. Everytime the subject of smoking is brought up he won't look at me. Everytime he won't look at me I feel dirty, disgusting, ugly. Of course I am all of these things, but sometimes it's just nice not to have to remember it.

Boys are becoming another game again. It's like everytime I talk to a guy, or meet a new guy, I have to make sure they fancy me. I have to make sure they think dirty things, think they have a chance, or fall in love with me. I did it with T, I did it with Lorenzo, I did it with Ex Boyfriend, I did it with Jacob. And everything is just one big game.

I need to get disgustingly pissed. Because at least when I'm drunk, nothing matters. Especially not the calories. I eat whatever I can get ahold of now, yet I still get told that I'm slimmer than I used to be. I eat and eat and eat. I try to ignore the screaming in my mind, the screaming that's outside of my mind, the screaming that I know people would be doing if they knew what a fat cunt I really am. And what a bitch I am. And how worthless they should have realised much earlier that I am. 

I shouldn't be this good at fooling people. But if I have to be, then I should at least not have a conscience. Because this is just too difficult.