Wednesday, 13 October 2010

I Lost A Follower ):

I don't understand why I can't just do things right. Everything's great and Jacob is a fantastically supporting boyfriend, yet I still do everything so wrong wrong wrong. Everytime the subject of smoking is brought up he won't look at me. Everytime he won't look at me I feel dirty, disgusting, ugly. Of course I am all of these things, but sometimes it's just nice not to have to remember it.

Boys are becoming another game again. It's like everytime I talk to a guy, or meet a new guy, I have to make sure they fancy me. I have to make sure they think dirty things, think they have a chance, or fall in love with me. I did it with T, I did it with Lorenzo, I did it with Ex Boyfriend, I did it with Jacob. And everything is just one big game.

I need to get disgustingly pissed. Because at least when I'm drunk, nothing matters. Especially not the calories. I eat whatever I can get ahold of now, yet I still get told that I'm slimmer than I used to be. I eat and eat and eat. I try to ignore the screaming in my mind, the screaming that's outside of my mind, the screaming that I know people would be doing if they knew what a fat cunt I really am. And what a bitch I am. And how worthless they should have realised much earlier that I am. 

I shouldn't be this good at fooling people. But if I have to be, then I should at least not have a conscience. Because this is just too difficult.


  1. aww listen to me lady,
    You are not worthless.
    You are not a bitch.
    You are not ugly.
    You are beautiful and one day I hope you can see that, I hope we all can.

    And maybe that follower just deleted their blog??? It may have nothing to do with you at all. Keep smilling even if you fake it because one day you won't have to fake it anymore:) Thats what I believe.

  2. boys are a game for me too, i totally understand what you mean. it's a bad habit i wish i could break, i think we want them to want us so we can build self esteem. once we have them, we have to reject them before they can reject us. it's tough... keep your chin up girly. <3

  3. dudette.
    you are amazing wonderful lovely caring beautiful pretty and more. much more.

    i want to take away your pain.
    you deserve none of this crap.

  4. i totally get you on the boy thing...with every guy (if i'm attracted to him or not) i flirt and need to feel like he has a thing for me - i just want someone to find me attractive. but it's never gonna happen when i look like this.
    you are amazing and beautiful and don't forget it x


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