Can't sleep. Won't sleep. Minutes tick by and hours pass by, but all
I can feel is the violent clawing of something within me. But there can't be
anything within me. I'm empty.
Boyfriend is awake and asks what's wrong,
Nothing's wrong, can't you see? Nothing's wrong.
Drink some water to dull the pain. But this sort of pain never leaves you.
She never leaves you.
You embody her, know her. Now you are her.
When you purge, you are her.
When you pick at food to paint a false picture, you are her.
When you've lost all hope,
but she's in the back of your mind, telling you to carry on,
You've lost yourself.
I've lost myself. Within the numbers, the negatives, the lies and deceit,
I've lost myself.
I'm losing you. Within the numbers, the negatives, the lies and deceit,
I've lost you.
We used to count on eachother, remember? Through thick and thin,
through tears and smiles.
But I'm not me anymore.
I'm sorry.
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That's beautiful, and terrible.
ReplyDeleteDid you write it?
It sounds like it could be a song.
Feel better, love.
I'm sorry you feel this way.
xoxo
I'm sorry you're feeling icky.
ReplyDeleteYour Self is still there--sometimes it just gets buried. You'll find it again. <3
xoxo
I remember being there. This disease takes you down with it. But you can find yourself again. And find the glitter in life. It just takes a lot of effort retraining the way your brain thinks. And you can still be thin . . . but just a different kind of thin. I don't know what you want out of life right now, and you probably don't exactly know either . . . but just know that there are alternatives. It's hard to be yourself when you are suppressing your own hunger all the time. Maybe your hunger for life got lost along the way, too.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew what to say, I wish I knew the words that would make you feel better. Just know that I am thinking of you and hoping you find your way out of this.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm losing myself too but not with resepct to food. I feel like I'm losing touch with the person I used to be or am slowly not becoming and food is just a part of it.
much love
xxx