Hazel. You need help, coz this ain't right. Ana is not a person, it is a figament of your mind that impairs your visual outlook your on body. You've been like this for years, I thought you were getting better and moved on from this. for Leyla's sake. But cleary not give her 2 more years before she starts sicking down the toilet if she already hasn't now. Well done on your journey to come a skeleton. Well Eventually you'll be 6 feet under. and 4 stone and dead. So maybe your sister might be saved from this horrible mental diseased., Unless by some miracle you see that your lifestyle is not healthy and you get a reality check. Coz this ain't living.
By Anonymous
Anonymous, you brought me to tears. Who are you? You're one of two people, this much I know. Leyla can't end up like me, I won't let her. Yet sometimes I see glimpses of what she could become. I don't want this, I don't want to be ill. The prospect of dying, though sometimes welcomed, is scary. I don't know how to change. The weight drops, some comes back, more drops, then a little more comes back. It's like my mind is playing a game over and over again.
It's not about a reality check, I know this is wrong and I know this isn't healthy. But I can't live any other way.
Please tell me who you are.
Hazel.
I feel suffocated. This isn't living. My BMI is in the 18s now, and I have ready access to scales, and a gym around the corner. I can't keep doing this, but I can't stop.
One friend, two friend, three friends four,
How many more will you throw out the door?
You don't need them, you only need me
I'll show you how many lbs lighter you will be.
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Reading this also brought a little tear to my eye. I get constant messages from anonymous people telling me I need, no, have to change. You have summed up what I have been trying to tell people for ages.
ReplyDeleteWow. Heart-wrenching. While the anonymous commenter of course has a point, it is no surprise how little they understand this disease.
ReplyDeletePeople think it's about getting attention and trying to be thin when you are already thin. And even in cases where that IS what the disease is about, it's not a conscious decision. The only way to ever really stop is to get outside help. And sometimes, whether for insurance or other reasons, that's just not an option.
Regardless of how your life affects others in it, I do applaud you for putting your thoughts here to share with others. Being so open about this struggle is cathartic, I think. And not just for you but for the people reading about your struggles.
I think being honest with yourself in writing may be helpful to forming a recovery-minded lifestyle one day.
Maybe "one day" should come soon for you and those in your life. But that is your decision.
<3
Anon might be right, but they clearly don't fully understand what they're saying. :/
ReplyDeleteHope you can find a way to live. I hope we all can. <3
xoxo
Hazel, can't tell you who I am, if you knew who it was you might think its not my place to really comment on your blog and its probly not who you think! ;P
ReplyDeleteI remember years ago when you told me that you caught Leyla looking at her body in the mirror as if she was thinking she was fat, exactly what she probly saw you doing without realizing. She is at the age where things like this begin to develop especially * I did psychology A-Level and I did my unit project of Bulimia and Anorexia Nervosa for my exam* due to younger siblings role modelling on those closest.
I know the feeling of being something, when you dont wanna be. But maybe for your sister (if thats where you draw strength) you should try and fight against your obstacles. Obv, everyone does succumb but what about the millions of people in this world who have fought against various mental diseases, addictions, prejudice etc and have won against all odds. The battle is hard, and does seem impossible and may take months even years but at the end it is all worth it. When you can exhale, look at life and say your actually happy in this moment in time and there is nothing you would change. is the most fantastic feeling
I can't help you personally. But have to want and accept the help, even seek it-some battles you cannot face alone as I'm sure many of your followers would discourage you from losing or gaining weight. But a BMI below 19 can lead to serious problems (ever watched Supersize vs Superskinny it might help!) more so perhaps that gaining. Trust me you have a long way to go until your even overweight which is about 160/170 for you off the top of my head
Im guessing coz your real tall your about 5ft 10? so should weight between 130lbs so anything below that is pushing it.
But must find courage, hope in the depth of darkness and make it into your guiding light. Plus you have a support network of friends and maybe some of the people on here! So you are never truly alone in this.
Be strong.
@Beautiful Ruins No one can control you-except you. If people are telling you to change question what they are telling you. Is it really for your benefit or personal gain. Will it really make a difference and alter your happiness.
@Mich and @Rachel B I have dabbled with some elements of mia but I bottled it after a while I saw a close friend of mind who was more deeper on the path to prefection so yes I do not have a full understanding as I am not sucked in to ana pehaps in the same manner you are but I have seen too many people around me suffer due to this. some embrace it and want ana in their lives, so use it for attention which isn't right others use it as a means of control and escapism from their lives. but nevertheless I so sort of know what I am on about :)
I'm no philopsher or expect. I just can;t be a bystander when someone is destroying thenselves right in front of you and you know in yoru heart or hearts that what their doing just ain't right no matter how they try to justfiy themselves =]
ANON XOXO <3
Excuse my typos btw, I'm a nice person just trying to help
ReplyDeleteANON XOXO <3