Hello Life, I Seem To Have Found You Again.

I'm actually doing pretty okay (: Weigh in at 136lbs, so I'm almost at my first mini goal to get down to 123lbs, and I have my day planned out entirely! It goes music, music whilst revising, buy laxatives from the pharmacy, tidy my room a smidge, play with my guinea pigs and start my photography portfolio. Eating doesn't really come into it today (: Maybe I'll just rely on fruit!

I'm extremely excited to tell you all that I'm seeing Aerosmith on the 15th at o2! Yes, THE Aerosmith! Standing seats ofc and I hope I don't get mauled about by the moshers. Any of you by any chance going to any gigs anytime soon? I'm also hoping to go to see the prodigy at Milton Keynes Bowl next June. 

I've kind of decided that I AM going to get back into my music, because it's something that makes me happy. So tralalalalala I win. This year and next will most definately be gig-filled. I reckon as many of us as possible should go to download next year actually. FUNTIMES.

I love you all lots (:

Hazel.

Mmh.

Firstly: Ariana m'dear, it's still not fixed!

Okay, well I'm kinda swinging between 136lbs and 137lbs. Though I've been asked by quite a few if I've lost weight. I really haven't though. I'm the same and the same and the same and the same. I detest it with a passion.

Had a massive argument with the boyfriend yesterday. It's my fault y'see, because I always make him angry. The other week he had a fight with another boy and nearly got suspended because of me - I hate doing this to him. The thing is, yesterday we had a really bad argument again because I can't keep my mouth shut. He ended up punching through a glass window, and it hurt his hand a lot. I just hate the fact that I keep hurting him like this. After having cheated on him, to all of this... I just don't deserve him at all really.

Earth Calling Ariana!

I'm fed up of crying. I decided to be ill today, so that I didn't have to go to college. I can't really face all of the fucking pregnancy rumours, especially knowing that once upon a time I was.

Crying every night is becoming tiredsome, really.

And Ariana: I really want to give you your first comment, but you haven't enabled commenting! Please sort it?

136lbs this morning, which means I’m starting to lose again. I’ll make my goal of 135lbs by the end of this week. I’ve settled back into my routine again, it’s funny what laxatives before bed can do. I took 3 laxies last night, woke up and pooped. Didn’t eat this morning; I had a 280 calorie chocolate bar at lunch time, a 500 calorie milkshake at 3pm, and my dinner was 125 calories of baked beans. Total of 905 calories today and it’s a good start. 

I’m going to do as many conditioning as I can tonight – I’ve decided that for every 5 calories I eat I have to do one conditioning. So that’s 181 conditioning. Piece of cake.

I was thinking about numbers today, and I realised why 123lbs is my first major goal. I really like the number – think about it; the numbers are consecutive and also identical to their position. The third number is the product of the first and second. The first number is literally the reverse of the third and second – three minus two is one. Just everything about the number is comforting, and once I’m there I’m happy. 

Mmh. My mum’s having an operation tomorrow. It doesn’t worry me, because it’s only a routine op. What has worried me though, and put me in a pissy mood, is that people have been spreading rumours about me supposedly being pregnant. But I can handle that, I just have to find the bitch that did it (: 

I went to the doctors on Monday, yup. The fucking doctor told me that she can’t even examine the lump because I’m not 18. Whatever – I told her to appeal it to the head of surgery, or else I’ll just ignore it and let it get bigger (AS IT ALREADY FUCKING HAS BEEN!) until I turn 18. I find out the result of the mini appeal on Saturday.

Wish me luck.

I think the worst part about everything is that I still hate myself for the miscarriage. I had an honest conversation with my boyfriend, and he admitted whilst he was happy that I'm not pregnant, he's upset that his baby died. It was a baby; maybe a boy, maybe a girl. And maybe if I hadn't still been taking the pill, and still been abusing laxatives. Just maybe.

There's a lot of maybes around. Just not a baby. Cause I screwed that one up didn't I? Even if it wasn't on purpose.

Blahh (8)

I'm doing the baby food diet thing, and starting back on DRUGS. Lol.

What weight loss pills d'you guys recommend and where can I get them from?

Lovelove.

New Layout (:

I seem to be sticking at around about 137lbs, and this is fine for now. If I can lose a minimum of a lb a week during exams, I'll be content. That won't stop me trying to lose more though.

I'm trying to figure out my life at the moment. Right now, I'm drawing blanks.

Snowball Effect, Much?

Lol I swear everything just seems to be getting worse? I'm 5"9 and a half now, but 137lbs. So my bmi is a disgusting 19.7. Fucking exams.

Also I've been ignoring a lump in my cervix for about a year now, and now it hurts a lot. Doctors appointment on Monday.

I'm getting ill all the fucking time.

I'm giving up smoking. At this moment in time, it's probably that which concerns me the most. It's been two days cold turkey, and I really want one. Eurghh.

I'll update more later (:

Hazel.

Alive.

Yesterday wasn't one of my best days. Rain managed to stop me from taking all 15 of my sleeping pills with a bottle of vodka - I got as fat as 2 pills and half of the bottle. 

At least someone was there for me.

Yet I still don't think I want to wake up. I used to be the one who believed in the "one day at a time" philosophy, but really the hardest part of each day is having to wake up. I don't like waking up, because its having to face a new day. And I'm only going to have to do it over and over again.

Surprise Surpise (:

I never went to see Prince, I just couldn't. Even the thought of it just sent shivers down my spine and made me want to scream. Y'see, when I went to the funeral it was open casket - I saw his face and it wasn't his. That's part of the way in which I remember him. I remember him lying in the coffin, and I don't want to remember him like that, imagining him under the ground. Not being able to get up. Not being able to get out. Screaming. Life in death.

I can't go. I just can't.

Tralalalalala. On a more painful note (like that's possible), please NEVER take four times the stated dose for laxatives, especially when you've been taking twice the recommened amount for longer than the recommended period of time. Last night I crawled from my bed to the toilet, and passed out about 3 times along the way. I passed out just before getting to the toilet, and I passed out on the toilet. I had stabbing pains along my diaphragm and I couldn't breathe.

I went to my mum. Crawled down the stairs somehow and told her I couldn't breathe, that something was wrong. She told me it was cause of the shite I've been eating, and my stomach was rejecting it. My stomach was rejecting something alright, still is. She gave me two ibuprofen and told me to get into bed - though at 2am there's not much more she would have done really.

I had a fat ass argument with the boyfriend yesterday, shortly after we'd had the best sex ever. Strange xD. We're alright now, though my mum's been being a right gay ass since yesterday over till today. I got so stressed out that I ended up smoking in my room - fucking dangerous. I was sat in bed, light on, window open, smoking. The smell's only just gone lol. Mum never caught me, but still. I'm surprised I got that stressed that I'd take that risk!

I haven't weighed myself, and I'll be waiting as long as possible. Though even now my scales are shouting for me.

My scales talk to me they do (:

Hazel.

Today I am fat. I’ve been craving biscuits a stupid amount the last few days, and I’ve just been giving into temptation. But I haven’t put on a silly amount of weight, because I’m 134lbs, and taking three times the recommended dose of laxatives pretty much daily.

So today I fix the damage, because I’m supposed to be 132lbs by now. Today I’m on ABC, and here’s how it’s going to be: I can do any day quota I like. E.g. If it’s supposed to be a 500 day, but I eat 800 calories, I remove the 800 calorie day and replace it with a fast. D’you get what I mean?

I’m fat and hairy, tralalala. 

Yesterday I watched Prince’s memorial video over and over again and I cried. Today is 6 months since he passed away, and I’m finally going to see him. I’ve got my sister’s oyster card, and time off from college. But I’m still afraid. I’m so afraid, that sometimes if I think about it too hard, I close my eyes so tightly that everything goes white. I’m so afraid that I’ve been biting my lip every time I think about it, and I think it’s going to start bleeding soon.

I feel like a little girl again, and I’m not so sure I like it. I remember wishing over and over again, even recently, that I could be young again – because everything was so much easier. But it wasn’t was it? Because even though the innocence swamps you, the tide of helplessness drowns you. It doesn’t matter what happens, or how you feel about it, because you can’t do anything about it. 

When I was nine years old, I used to pull my hair out in massive clumps to make it feel better. Clumps as big as my fingers today. I’d end up with massive bald patches. I told everyone it was because I had an allergic reaction to head lice shampoo that my mum put in my hair, and everyone believed me. All the teachers, all the parents, and all the doctors. Even the doctors at the hospital believed me, even when there was no evidence to suggest I was allergic to anything, they still believed me. Maybe they just didn’t want to think about a nine year old girl pulling her hair out.

I pulled my hair out up until I was around 13 years old. I’m not sure what stopped me, but something did. Maybe I was just tired of having to have my hair up in a ponytail all the time, or combing my hair over to the side so that I could hide it. I soon found out that if I scratched myself hard enough, I could feel the same pain that I did when I pulled my hair out – but scratching with my hands ended up becoming broken metal hangers, and blood everywhere, and excuses about guinea pigs needing their nails trimmed.

I’m still a little girl. I still make mistakes, and I still wish every night that maybe (just maybe) things will change soon. That tomorrow morning, I’ll either wake up happy or not wake up at all. But now I’m just a little girl in a big girl’s body, and I’m not allowed to make mistakes anymore. I’m not allowed to feel upset or do silly things, because I’m a big girl now. And I hate it.

Rest in peace Prince, and I’m sorry you got lumped with me as a friend. You didn’t know everything before, but you do now. I wonder if things would have been different if you knew.

Hazel.

FATFATFATFATFATFAT.

I seem to be bleeding... Tralalalala. This has made me 134lbs with a bloated belly... TRALALALAFUCKINGLA.

I have coursework due in last friday which I'm only half way through.

Can I get a "FUCK LIFE"?

Hazel.

Awards (:

Hey guys and girls, this is my first award ^.^

This has made me happy (: Jessabelle gave me the award. So now I have to tell you seven things about me right? I think so. AH I'm bad at not knowing what to do >.<    That doesn't count as the first one btw.

1) I really like lists. No seriously, every day I make a list of what I need to do that day, and if I'm going to need to do anything else, I add it to the list. I fucking love lists!

2) I have a massive A1 size poster of a half naked Cheryl Cole right above where I sleep. I think she was one of my first girl crushes, and I idolise her tbh. I detest her music, but I think she's a really strong person. Ashley can rot in hell.

3) Whilst "become a fan" still existed on facebook, I was a become a fan addict. If I found it funny, I'd join it. If a friend had made it, I'd join it. If it was soppy, I would join it. You get the picture.

4) I like going to sleep because I know that there's a tiny chance I might never wake up. Least I'd die peacefully that way.

5) Sometimes I dont' even shower once a week. It's like I can't be bothered, and I can't muster up the strenghth to do it. I know it's ick, but yeah.

6) When I was 13 years old, my mum got a new boyfriend. I guess I made it my mission for him to think our family was too dificult to handle. I started dressing goth, I blared out heavy metal from my room, I talked back and argued with him every chance I got. He was a nice guy, Dave was, but I just didn't want another man hurting my mum.

7) At 7 years of age, I fractured my eye socket. It's the only bone I've ever actually broken in any way!

Now to give seven beautiful bloggers the award too (:

Ellie - Because we all know what it's like to have to hide - and beacause her words are so beautiful they can reduce me to tears.

Raz - I think she was the first blog I ever followed... and just seeing how far she's come is inspirational!

Lola - It's refreshing to find someone that won't hide their feelings - even though her dad may have found her blog, she's promised not to delete it any time soon.

Rain - Rain is a beauty. Seriously. I haven't been texting her much lately, stuff's gone on. But Rain you're fantastic and Ima call you soon!

Jenny  - We're in competition! First person to 130lbs. I think she's amaze btw.

pokerface -When he'd stopped blogging, I nearly cried. Seriously.

prettywreck - She's lovely. Sometimes I get jealous of how well she is, how dedicated. A lot of the time I can relate to how she feels. 

Well there we go! I'll update y'all on some serious shit that's happened later

Hazel.

48 hours.

It's been about 48 hours since I last ate... and I'm liking it tbh. And I'm thinking of going straight onto ABC when I decide to start eating again, cause that way I can't binge (: Oh I'm a hypocrite me, only a few weeks ago I was saying how much I hate *faddy ABC and 2468* diets xD.

I'm trying really hard to find myself again, I'm just not competely sure how to do that. I mean, I'm 16years old. Sad more times than happy. Sometimes I lie. I love music. I have fuck all idea what I want to do with my life. The one friend I care most about, I'm losing. I have a lovely boyfriend who thinks I've gotten over all of this. My sex drive is currently through the roof. I haven't stopped bleeding yet. I'm heavy. I'm really hairy, and seem to have wispy hairs covering my fucking face. I LOVE MUSIC. I'm a nicotine addict who smokes around 4 cigarettes a day. Rebel. I've smoked weed twice. I take laxatives and I throw up. I used to be able to sing classical music but then i gave it up. I give everything up eventually. My sister will never need me. My mother hates me. I'm scared that my dad is taking drugs again. I'm scared of my dad's lifestyle. I'm scared of my dad. I currently need a wee. I have nightmares most nights. I still sleep with teddy bears. I have photos on my wall of people I don't particulary care about anymore, but these pictures make me feel like I'm worth something. I really want to be worth something.

I'm a perfectly happy teenage girl (:

Which one d'you reckon the truth is? Cause I wear a mask. I wear a thousand different masks and none of them is me, nobody I meet can see the real me. Even now, even when I'm telling the truth I'm hiding behind a mask. This mask is called the internet. 

I don't think I'll ever take my mask off, not properly. Cause underneath the masks, it's me that's cracking. I'm perfectly flawed, and trying to find the beauty in my imperfections. I don't reckon I ever will.

Today.

Today I took a pregnancy test, saw it was negative, then got as high as a kite. Haa blocking things away is fun. The only fucking disgusting thing about all of this was that I got the munchies. I reckon I ate around 2000 calories there and then. S'all good though - I can sort it out.

Fast commencing. Right now I'ma try act normal. Kinda hard to do when your eyes are glazed over.

Last Night I Bled.

My period isn't due for a while, but last night I had horrific cramps and I bled a bit. I cried.

Not because I wasn't pregnant, but because it meant that I had been and I've lost it. It may not make sense to you, but that's just how I felt.

So today I feel a bit empty. Today I'm making my boyfriend a cake. Yesterday I told my boyfriend what happened.

None of us could say the M word.

A Song That's Made Me Sad Today.

There's a song I've been listening to for a few years now - but today I remembered it and it's made me sad. It's reminded me of everything from the last few days which I've been trying to forget. Erin McCarley - PitterPat.

Tugged the moon into the ground
Turned this bedroom upside down tonight
Took my faith and i breathed it out
Then walked right through a cloud of flashing lights, bright lies.

Pain takes my heart's place
The love we made, we cant erase it, don't wanna face it

Pitter pat, the angel on my shoulder
Is haunting me tonight
Tick tock, the clock is getting louder
Ready for me to decide

I've lost my sense of right and wrong
Well-justified my soul to carry on
It feels so damn good to write off the rules
But when a new day breaks, I'm left a fool I'm such a fool

Pain takes my heart's place
But your sweet sweet love,
oh I can taste it but still can't face it

Pitter pat, the angel on my shoulder
Is haunting me tonight
Tick tock the clock is getting louder
Waiting for me to decide

The sun is coming down on me
Could fate be so unkind?

Pain takes my heart's place
The love we made remains.

Ironic eh? 

Well I've been dropping weight etc, but without trying much. I just can't concentrate. 

Everything is whirling around me at 500mph. And I'm struggling to make sense of it all.