Tuesday, 25 May 2010

136lbs this morning, which means I’m starting to lose again. I’ll make my goal of 135lbs by the end of this week. I’ve settled back into my routine again, it’s funny what laxatives before bed can do. I took 3 laxies last night, woke up and pooped. Didn’t eat this morning; I had a 280 calorie chocolate bar at lunch time, a 500 calorie milkshake at 3pm, and my dinner was 125 calories of baked beans. Total of 905 calories today and it’s a good start. 

I’m going to do as many conditioning as I can tonight – I’ve decided that for every 5 calories I eat I have to do one conditioning. So that’s 181 conditioning. Piece of cake.

I was thinking about numbers today, and I realised why 123lbs is my first major goal. I really like the number – think about it; the numbers are consecutive and also identical to their position. The third number is the product of the first and second. The first number is literally the reverse of the third and second – three minus two is one. Just everything about the number is comforting, and once I’m there I’m happy. 

Mmh. My mum’s having an operation tomorrow. It doesn’t worry me, because it’s only a routine op. What has worried me though, and put me in a pissy mood, is that people have been spreading rumours about me supposedly being pregnant. But I can handle that, I just have to find the bitch that did it (: 

I went to the doctors on Monday, yup. The fucking doctor told me that she can’t even examine the lump because I’m not 18. Whatever – I told her to appeal it to the head of surgery, or else I’ll just ignore it and let it get bigger (AS IT ALREADY FUCKING HAS BEEN!) until I turn 18. I find out the result of the mini appeal on Saturday.

Wish me luck.

I think the worst part about everything is that I still hate myself for the miscarriage. I had an honest conversation with my boyfriend, and he admitted whilst he was happy that I'm not pregnant, he's upset that his baby died. It was a baby; maybe a boy, maybe a girl. And maybe if I hadn't still been taking the pill, and still been abusing laxatives. Just maybe.

There's a lot of maybes around. Just not a baby. Cause I screwed that one up didn't I? Even if it wasn't on purpose.

1 comment:

  1. I think I'll try that calorie-conditioning thing too. And it's nice I'm not the only one who picks goal weights that way. I could rant for an hour about why 115 is the most perfect of weights.

    As for the miscarraige, you shouldn't blame yourself. A majority of pregnancies terminate in the first month or two; most women just write it off as a period. It's not your fault.


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