Thursday, 6 May 2010

48 hours.

It's been about 48 hours since I last ate... and I'm liking it tbh. And I'm thinking of going straight onto ABC when I decide to start eating again, cause that way I can't binge (: Oh I'm a hypocrite me, only a few weeks ago I was saying how much I hate *faddy ABC and 2468* diets xD.

I'm trying really hard to find myself again, I'm just not competely sure how to do that. I mean, I'm 16years old. Sad more times than happy. Sometimes I lie. I love music. I have fuck all idea what I want to do with my life. The one friend I care most about, I'm losing. I have a lovely boyfriend who thinks I've gotten over all of this. My sex drive is currently through the roof. I haven't stopped bleeding yet. I'm heavy. I'm really hairy, and seem to have wispy hairs covering my fucking face. I LOVE MUSIC. I'm a nicotine addict who smokes around 4 cigarettes a day. Rebel. I've smoked weed twice. I take laxatives and I throw up. I used to be able to sing classical music but then i gave it up. I give everything up eventually. My sister will never need me. My mother hates me. I'm scared that my dad is taking drugs again. I'm scared of my dad's lifestyle. I'm scared of my dad. I currently need a wee. I have nightmares most nights. I still sleep with teddy bears. I have photos on my wall of people I don't particulary care about anymore, but these pictures make me feel like I'm worth something. I really want to be worth something.

I'm a perfectly happy teenage girl (:

Which one d'you reckon the truth is? Cause I wear a mask. I wear a thousand different masks and none of them is me, nobody I meet can see the real me. Even now, even when I'm telling the truth I'm hiding behind a mask. This mask is called the internet. 

I don't think I'll ever take my mask off, not properly. Cause underneath the masks, it's me that's cracking. I'm perfectly flawed, and trying to find the beauty in my imperfections. I don't reckon I ever will.


  1. i feel the same, the exact same. no one really knows me. hell, i don't even know me properly.

  2. there's an award for you on my blog, a beautiful blogger award, because you're fittttt and i totally would ;p LOVE xoxoxo


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