Life's Like This - That's Just The Way It Is.

I kissed the ex boyfriend. I need him guys, I really do. Now I'm just waiting to find out if he thinks he can take me back. It's going to be fucking weird, because he's slept with someone else... I thought sex was our thing ):

I'm eating and eating and shitting and sleeping. The only thing not in this equation is throwing up. I'm doing a lot of explosive pills - but not because of laxatives, because of the water retention pills I'm taking. 135lbs. Disgusting right? Well I'm going to buy some more laxatives. Seeing as though I'm working three jobs now, I'ma have to sacrafice some moneys.

I hate leaving my house. If I leave my house, people will see me.

OhOhOh. Everything Is Wrong.

I know you're reading this. You shouldn't be really. You don't want to see me my dear, you say you can't. So why continue to read about my life, rather than finding out for yourself. I hate you. No I don't. I just fucking hate feeling like this.

Want to know a secret? Once upon a time, I was actually in love with you Nikki. Ha, how things have changed. Now I just wish we could be friends like we used to be.


***

I miss him y'know. I miss being able to call him my boyfriend. I miss the hugs, the kisses, the closeness. Sex, yeah I miss that too. I hate the fact that he believed the lie I told him - I told him I didn't love him in the same way anymore. He forgot that when people get too close, I push them away.

I've fucked Jacob over too. Oh my.

Really, I just want to feel beautiful. To feel like someone actually wants me.

I Bleed It Out Take It Deeper Just To Throw It Away.

And I've got the shakes because I want to cry but I can't. And the whole world is bearing down upon me.

They can see, they can see the falsity I've become. I'm no-one. And only some-one is important.

***

I'm supposed to have had my emergency referral come through by now. They're supposed to be making everything better. But instead it's getting worse worse worse and I'm falling deeper deeper deeper into my hole.

I don't like my little world, because it's far from safest. But at least in my world, it's only me and the voices I seem to have created which can judge me.

Not Alive.

I'm occupying space, breathing but not living. I'm fucking everything up. I've screwed Jacob over, just by trying to feel better about myself. The funny thing is, that in an ideal world, without my screwed up head, I think we'd be good for eachother. I think I could love him.

It's as if the world is catching up with me, squashing me, killing me. Throttling the breathe out of me. I like to think that one day I'll actually be alive, as opposed to just living.

But I also thought I'd get better a long time ago. Funny that.

New Me... Hello World (:

This is just a quick post to say hello to all my followers as the new me. Fuck that, y'all aren't followers. I see you as friends (:

Quick picture: Obv it's not me in my disgusting parasitic ewness,  but it's my face. And I think it looks a bit pretty.

I love you lot - please stay alive whilst I'm in Falmouth?

<3

Happy birthday Prince. Ha.

"Happy". That word seems to be the biggest load of shit if I ever heard it. It doesn't work like that, see. People can't be happy if they're dead. Everyone's moving on and happy and I hate it. He was our friend. He died. Stop acting as if you've fucking forgotten.

I'm going to change. As of now I'm taking responsibility for all shit I've ever caused - later today, at Prince's memorial bbq, I'm going to apologise to Lorenzo. Cause it was all my fault. I'm going to apologise to T aswell, for leading him on. Even if it was all those months ago - wounds need to be healed. Or at least be given the chance to be.

I don't like the person I am, or the person I've become. I hate myself actually, I hate all of it. If I had the oppurtunity to erase anything from my life, I'd get rid of it all. Make it so I'd never been born. At least then I couldn't hurt everyone like I do now.

You should all throw caution to the wind. If you want to eat a fucking doughnut, eat it, while you still have control over what you put in your mouth. Don't give control to the voice, to the disorder - because in restricting that's exactly what you're doing. We're all going to die otherwise.

Ha. Death. Fucking bring it.

Prick Prick Prick Prick Prick.

What a twat. I hate him. I hate loving him. I hate having any sort of feelings in it.

My dad has walked in, after how long, with no explanation. A brief sorry, promise of buying me a car, and trying to give me £40. I'm fucking not having it.

He can die. Only, I don't want him to. I just want him to be a dad.

132lbs. I hate this.

Reached the next goal, I'm 132lbs after a day of not eating. So why am I not happy? 

I'll tell you why. I have a fucking tail. And said tail is one of the few reasons I cannot sit down properly. Fuck it.

I'm also upset because I'm very very very cold. I hate this, I don't want it anymore. But it won't stop because I can't stop.

What's the most delicious meal you've ever had?

HAHAA. Oh my.

Ask me whatever you like (:

Aerosmith (:

I think that (just possibley), being in arms reach of Steven Tyler made me very happy last night. For a moment it even lets me fool myself into thinking that the patty, sandwich, packet of crisps, handful of maltesers and the beer I had were excusable because I was jumping around for three hours.

I met a girl called Emma yesterday, and I've decided that I want to be just like her, because she does what she wants to do and she doesn't let things get in her way. Example: she came to see Aerosmith by herself. Example: she quit her degree two years in because she finally accepted that it wasn't something that she wanted to be doing with her life.

So I've started to take her approach - and goddamn it I'm going to be happy if it's the last thing I do. If it means going to concerts myself, or changing all of my A levels to what I want to do, or telling my mum exactly what I think of her - I'm going to do it. That's a promise to myself really.

I have a feeling that this is going to be a long ass post, because I feel like I'm turning over a new leaf, and I have a fair amount that I really need to get off my chest. Ex boyfriend just walked past me, and didn't say a word. I don't think he quite understands that seeing him every day is something that tears me to pieces. I can't keep kissing him, sleeping with him. I can't be held by him. Because even though it's something I long for, it's something that would hurt too much to have. We've been through too much I guess.

I need to start writing my letters today, I'm not completely sure when "parent" or "person who has hurt you the most" comes up, but that's going to be a fucking long ass letter. The hardest to write will be to the ex, but by far the most painful will be to my dad. He knows I won't talk to him because of the drugs and abandoning us when my mum needed him most. And I think he knows that it's going to be that way for a long time. Melodramatic teenager perhaps, or jut using fucking common sense.

I Have To Tell People How I Feel.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I don't know which of these letters I'll send, which letters I'll put on here or which letters I keep. I'm just hoping that this'll help.

My name's Hazel, and I need people to know who I am. 

I think that maybe, just maybe, I'm ready for people to know. But equally, that scares me.

I want people to know that I get scared, that I fall in love too easily. That I don't take criticism well.

I need people to know that I push people away because I'm terrified of what'll happen if they find out who I really am. I need people to know that I don't mean to tear them apart, really it's myself that's dying.

Really, I want to be able to stop pretending. It would be great if I could walk around without all my bracelets on, or make my way to the toilet after eating without people spreading rumours.

See, if they knew the truth, they wouldn't need to spread the rumours.

But my name is Hazel. And I don't think anyone will ever know who I am.

Overdose Last Night. Referred Back To CAMHS.

It's not the darkness I'm afraid of, just what's in it.

Hangers.

                                                                                                Tablets.

Lots of tablets.

134lbs. Again.

Just weighed myself, and whilst I am well aware that it's 2115 at night, I have hit 134lbs and I'm happy with that atm. Only 2lbs away from goal two (:

I broke up with the boyfriend as I told you. I don't know what happened today, but I kissed a boy called Jacob. Jacob makes me happy at the moment, and he's known everything since the start of our friendship, so I'll have to see what happens I guess.

On a more "for fucks sake" note, my coke head father is establishing conversation and communication with my younger sister. What the fuck am I supposed to do about that.



10.06.10. Update:
I'm 133lbs. 

*the world will never be the same, and you're to blame*

Well I'm listening to sad music over and over again. I broke up with the boyfriend, I just couldn't handle it anymore, all the what ifs.

What if I start liking someone else? What if he hits me. What if we won't stop arguing? What if I fail this year. What if because of me, he fails this year?

I told my mum. D'you know what she said? She said "who do you have your eye on this time". Thankyou mum.

Maybe, I'm just not good enough for the relationship. Just maybe.

60 followers!

You're all fucking beautiful. And I want to say thankyou really, cause you're actually interested in what I have to say, and you actually listen. That's all that I ever wanted from this blog. And now I have a vow. I'm currently 61kgs (135lbs), and I want to from now on weigh less than the amount of followers I have! I'm going to do it.

Here's a quizzy thing that I nicked from helen's blog - you're all tagged!

Be extremely beautiful or extremely intelligent?

Both tbh, because all of this is about being beautiful. But I take pride in my intelligence.
Go without brushing your teeth for a year or go without washing your hair for a year?
I'd go without brushing my teeth - if I'm honest, I do it all the time.
Be rich or famous?
I'd want to be rich, because then I could be an anonymous charity giver. I wouldn't want everyone to know who I am >.< Takes away from privacy.
Have an amazing shoe collection or an amazing makeup collection?
Shoes. Because then I could own every style of converse known to mankind.
Be able to sing or be able to dance?
I want to be able to sing like I used to. But really I want to be able to dance. Cause I can't do that at all >.<
Be stranded on a Desert Island or in the Desert?
Desert island... I kind of value being hydrated y'know?
Have a computer or a TV?

Computer. Because the internet hosts TV, whilst the TV does not host internet.
Wear spots or stripes for the rest of your life?
Stripes. They're pretty.
Drink out of a Teacup or a Mug?
A mug. You can actually get a decent cup of tea out of a mug.
Receive a bunch of Flowers or a box of chocolate?
A bunch of flowers (: No one's ever got me flowers before.
Have a hug or a kiss from someone you love?

I much prefer hugs to kisses, because they don't have any implications.
Wear converse or Stillettos?

Converse. Converse all the fucking way.
Meet Johnny Depp or Robert Pattinson?
Neither. One's old, the other has strange nipples.
Be a Fairy or a Mermaid?
I used to pretend I was a fairy when I was little. But it's a FAERIE. Not a "fairy" ¬¬
A coffee or a cup of tea?

Tea thanks (:
Pink nails or blue nails?
Blue; my nails are often some variation of blue or green.
Live somewhere sunny or somewhere cold?
Somewhere sunny where it rains a lot - can I choose that?
Have an amazing house or an amazing car?
I'd say house, but if I owned an amazing camper van, then I could live in that!
Be kind or funny?
I want to be funny in a kind way, not kind in a funny way - if you know what I mean?
Eat sweets or cake?
No thankyou.
Hold a tarantula or a snake?
They're both so beautiful! I've asked my mum for both for christmas previously. Both times she's just laughed at me.
Wear a necklace or a ring?
A necklace. I find rings a bit pretentious >.<
Laugh or smile?

Both make me look like an idiot xD.
Be hated or be a hater? 

Well if I had to choose, I'd be hated.
Wear Pearls or Beads?
Beads :D. BEADSBEADSBEADS.
If you had to choose, lose your sight or your hearing?

I'd lose my sight. Because I want to be able to hear the beauty of life. And I can still appreciate music without sight.
Have lots of money or lots of friends?

Well so long as I have one or two friends I know I can rely on, I don't care about the money.
Love or be loved?

To be able to love is human nature. It takes someone special to be loved. But I'd rather be able to love, and appreciate love, than I would be loved and not understand it's meaning. Y'know?

No Idea.

My mum let him into the house yesterday whilst I was out, but made sure that he was gone before I got home. What the fuck am I meant to do about that?

I wanted a dad to take me to the park, not a dad to come home with a different pet for me every time he'd disappeared. This was often. I wanted a dad who would spend time with me indoors, doing something that didn't cost money, not a dad who throws as much money at me as possible and doesn't take the time to get to know me.

I want a dad. Not a dangerous occupier of space.

Ha.

I remember once, when my dad was addicted to cocaine, he'd get angry. Once he got angry enough to put a gun to my mum's head. Once he got angry enough to throw 10 year old me across the kitchen, into our table and chairs. Then he got clean.

He's taking drugs again. 10 year old me would hide and try to make mummy and her little sister stop crying. 16 year old me is going to fucking kill him.

Hey guys (:

Got a few bits of good news - I kind of just feel vaguely peaceful. It's a good feeling, even though I'm not sure it'll last for long; I have a new job (so three now in total), and I've reached my first mini goal of 135lbs (: Next up - 133lbs! Or 132lbs... I can't quite remember what I put down >.<

LOL I'm watching Glee atm, and it's really funny. Oh my.

Oh I nearly got dumped the other day; I keep making him angry, even though I don't mean to. I mostly don't even realise I'm doing it. Lesson this time: don't invite guy friends over without asking him first.


Edit:
So I lied completely an utterly about feeling vaguely peaceful. I can't talk to anyone anymore. It's like I don't deserve to comment on your blogs, I don't deserve to get help from anyone, and I don't deserve to have any friends. I hate this feeling. 

And I've got no idea what to do about it.