The Joy of Running On Empty...

Is it just me who thrives on the feeling of emptiness? Every time my stomach has cramped up today, I've smiled, because I know that my body is literally eating itself. I love it. I've eating exactly 296 calories today and I don't intend on eating anymore - however I'm not stupidly oblivious to the fact that my mum has cooked, so I'm allowing for another 100 calories tops!

I've been on my feet all day today running around and lifting heavy things, so here's to hoping I've burned off a fair amount :). I've also been thinking a lot today, and I want to apologise for my extremely negative blog yesterday: I just wasn't in the best of moods and that was the only way for me to get it out :( I'm ashamed of myself for it.

On a brighter note, tomorrow is my cousin's wedding and I am bridesmaid. This of course means that from 11am I will be having hair done, being preened etc - leaving no time for food! My plan for the reception is when the food comes, I'll be going to the toilet! I'll also be taking a decent sized handbag so I can slip food into it when no one is looking :)

I'm slightly worried about tomorrow though because turkish weddings are always all about the carbs/fatty meats. Oh gosh. Wish me luck girls!

Well I'ma go off and surf all of your lovely blogs now and then finish reading my book. Note to all: check out "The Invisible Girl" by Peter Barham and Alan Hurndall - it's a bloody fantastic account of how one of the strongest girls ever known was able to restrict her food, look fantastic, and still have a fantastic career :)   Of course it all gets too much at the end and she doesn't live through it (it wouldn't be published otherwise), but it helped me learn a lot :)

Think thin girlies, and remember: Twigs Can Fly :)

Hazel.

Angry Tears.

Sometimes I wonder if my mother has completely forgotten what it means to be a mum. Sometimes I wonder if she ever remembers what it is like to be on the recieving end. She is the only one that can bring me down to a self-dispising wreck of tears and anger. She is the only one that can make me feel this way and I hate it.

I try so hard not to cry when she puts these situations on me... When I tell her what she's done wrong, and she always comes out with "well if it makes you feel better to think that...", that's when I try not to show her how much she hurts me. I hate her. Yet I hate myself more for it. 

When I say that I hate her, I hate myself for not meaning it as much as I want to. I hate the fact that I love her. I know that I'd be so much healthier, so much happier, so much more myself, if she wasn't around. I've tried to find out about possible foster care before, but at my age I've been told it's rare. 


So I have no hope left. 


Two years from now I may well be happy living alone at university, or whatever it is I'm doing. If I survive that long.






But don't worry, I haven't eaten today. Perhaps it's all you care about, over this cyber dimension. Lives don't matter so long as calorie intake is low and body weights are lower? Or perhaps I've got it all wrong. I don't even know.


I'll blog later, when I haven't been reduced to this pityful state.


Think thin, twigs can fly and all that stuff.


Hazel.

Survey thing (stolen :))

Hi girlies. Just thought I'd mix it up a bit, seeing as though I refuse to weigh myself until monday. It's a survey thing I stole from Behind the Fat's blog, hope she doesn't mind!

Size: UK 8-10 (US 4-6)

Age: 16
Highest Weight: 143lbs
Lowest Weight: 129lbs
Goal Weight: 98lbs. It's a beautiful number :)

Favorite Diet Food?
Probably avocado salad. Or a leafy salad with extra balsamic vinegar :)

Favorite Binge Food?
Carbs. Point blank, carbs.


Favorite Exercise?
Gymnastics! Or weights.


Thinspo?
It helps a lot :) but I like cutting out my own pictures from magasines, fatspo helps a lot too!


What Makes You Slip Up?
If I don't constantly think, or if I start feeling too comfortable, I slip.


What Makes You Strong?
My boyfriend, and being as competitive with other people as possible. Even if they don't know it :)


When Did It Start?
Around year 9. So about 13 years of age.


Does Anyone Know?
An ex teacher, and one close friend. Counsellors don't count right?


Do You Want Help?
Help yes, but only if it's help to make me thinner.


How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
Around 400.


What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
  I see me, for the fat person I really am. I see the person I hide away from everyone else.


Are You In A Relationship?
Yup


Is It For Attention?
  Kind of, but only from my mum. I want her to start being a mum again y'know? But it's becoming more and more a case of me not caring about my mum, and me just wanting to achieve perfection and be someone to look up to.

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
Kind of in the middle. I want to be the thin one.


Are You Depressed?
Been diagnosed. So yeah.


Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
Twice >.<


Ever Been To A Psychologist?
Yeahh. It's a load of bollocks really.


Are You On Any Medication?
Nope. I refuse :)


I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[x] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan


PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me


I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[ ] I could disappear


I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself


I HATE -
[x] when people stare
[ ] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[ ] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[x] fat people


I NEED -
[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs 




So there you have it ladies, that's me. Let's hope one day I can retake this test and know that I've achieved all I've ever wanted.

Ciao for now girls, think thin and remember: Twigs Can Fly :)

Hazel.

Twigs Can Flyyy.

All in all, not a bad day :) I reckon I've had around 400 calories, and I spent around an hour exercising at my weights and fitness class, not to mention the countless amount of times I've been up and down stairs at college, or romping around with my boyfriend in the common room. So yeahh, it's been alright.

I still feel like crap though >.<  I started smoking again last week thursday, i know it's not exactly a good thing, but it's very rarely and it staves off my hunger :) It's like I've forgotten what hungry feels like, but I know I'm running on empty. The feeling is fantastic... Lightheaded, as if I'm flying. In case anyone hadn't figured it out yet, I want to be light enough to fly :) Like a Twig caught in the wind.

My legs jiggle still, and I really don't like it. I'm going to start measuring, but I think I'll do it in centimeters rather than inches because centimeters end up with larger numbers. I already know that my thighs are around 13-14 inches, which doesn't seem so bad when looking at the numbers, but in centimeters it seems more like the way it looks. So centimeters it is :)

I really do miss Prince :( It's his funeral on the 30th so I'm probably going to be a bit rahrahrah, but what can you do eh? Y'know, he was actually the only guy I'd ever met that hated chocolate, he would literally heave at the sight of the stuff! Once we paid him £5 to eat an oreo, and he was gagging all the way!

I'm going to follow his example, an early lent perhaps. I'm abstaining from all forms of chocolate untill the 13th of December. A month since he's died. Then I'll carry on and see if I want to make it any longer. 

Think thin ladies, and remember: Twigs Can Fly :)

Hazel. 

Long time no post...

Hey Girlies, sorry it's been so long since I last posted. Things have been a bit all over the place. On Friday the 13th one of my friends passed away, and it's all just been one big whirlwind from there. I've been working extra days at gymnastics because of a competition that was yesterday, and it's all been a bit too much tbh. Today I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. Prince was a one of a kind guy... one of those that are just always there, and a place isn't the same without them. He was only 16. He should still be alive.

Enough of my self pitying writings anyhow, I'll update you on the current weight situation. I've lost 4lbs, but I'm on my period atm so I dunno if that can be accurate. I hope it turns out I've lost more otherwise I'll be so annoyed. 4lbs in however many weeks its been really isn't good enough. I think I'll fast today - I'm not at college so I may as well do something useful!

I have a new motivator for losing weight now, and he comes in the form of a new boyfriend. Stuff between us is moving kinda quickly (I don't particularly mind), and I don't want him to see me as a fat blob. Plus the fact that he pulls me to sit on his lap a lot; I want to be able to relax and not worry about whether or not I'm squashing him. Gosh. 

Ah sorry I'm not in the mood to write much today :( I just feel drained. I'm going to surf all of your blogs, then probably head out to buy some clothes for Prince's funeral. Plan for today: Maximal output, minimal input.

Think thin girlies, and remember it's a case of mind over matter! If you think about it long enough, you won't eat it! Next time you want to put that food in your mouth, count to 100. By the time you get there, you'll have convinced yourself otherwise!

Hazel.  

Fasting Day Three!

Okies ladies I have a confession to make... I weighed myself. However, the scales showed me that I have reached 135lbs :) That means I reached my first itty goal, and get a new stretcher for my ear. But I don't want that, so instead I went and had an industrial piercing done! Happy Hazel :D

I've had about 300-400 calories today, because there was a "family day out" in which many different turkish people attempted to shove food down my throat. Gosh. Oh, on the plus side, my size 10 (US 6) skinny jeans are feeling decidedly loose, even after I shrunk them in the wash :D

Ahh happy times, hopefully my last day of fasting tomorrow shall be a good one!

Think thin ladies, because if you keep your heads in the right place then your goals are just around the corner :). And remember: Twigs Can Fly!

Hazel.

Fasting Day Two!

Okies well yesterday was pretty good me thinks! And today I'm at work all day, and then I'm going out tonight for a night out in London (: Lotsa walking around and burning calories that I haven't had :D

Today at the pet shop it'll be a good day I reckon, because I'll be on my feet all day, around nasty smells all day, and I won't be in the mood to eat! YAYS. I still haven't weighed myself. That waits until the fast is over.

Ooh I'm actually pretty excited about today! So I gotta go etc etc so that I can surf all of your blogs before going to work (: 8 followers... YAY.

Think thin ladies, and remember: Twigs Can Fly!

Hazel.

hahaha day going well!

Okies I'm doing pretty well so far, I've only eaten when I've had to and today that's been a side salad :)

Think thin ladies, tomorrow is a new day!

And remember, Twigs Can Fly!

Hazel :)

ESKGHJASRGNVOASDIRGV I'm rubbish :(

I'm sorry all, fatty here went on a bit of a bender :(

The day before yesterday I had a Big Tasty from macdonalds in the evening, and yesterday I ate a chicken burger at lunch :( I dread to think how much I've put on, so I'm going to give myself a chance to redeem myself. I'm not going to weigh myself till Tuesday, after my three day fast. I will do this.

Today I didn't eat all day, until my french teacher made me eat a biscuit. And for dinner I had an avocado salad. Maximum calorie intake is probably around 300-400 calories, so I'm pretty alright with that. But I know I can do better.

I want to be at the bottom end of the 120s by the end of this month. That's pretty realistic me thinks :) I'm looking to do a couple of long term fasts this month, Friday to Monday every week me thinks! I reckon I'll need a buddy for these though. I'm too weak to go it alone :(

I was so afraid to come back to blogging knowing that I'd let you all down :( I just hope y'all will forgive me so that I can go on trying to do y'all proud!

Thin is just a mind game. If you're mind thinks thin, your body must obey. Rule your bodies, don't let them rule you!

Think thin ladies, and remember: Twigs Can Fly!

Hazel.

Nothing major, but loss is loss!

Yesterday was terrible :(
My dad has been staying and last night w had "family movie night". Lots of crisps and popcorn shoved at me from every direction, and not so much exercise either. However, today I weighed in at 136.2lbs, which means although I haven't even lost 1 measly pound, I haven't gained. So I'm not too RAHRAHRAH about it all.

Today I haven't eaten anything and I love it :) I've also manage to convince my mum into letting me skip dinner to do homework, so long as I eat an apple and some pineapple. That's about 125 calories during the whole day and I'm loving it. I'm feeling pretty good about my potential weight loss and I'm loving it. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be around 134. :D

And I just "blogged on" to my first follower! Give it up for Lily ladies, she's an angel :). That's inspired me to do better - I cannot fail in the face of others.


Well I have to go, but think thin ladies! And remember: Twigs Can Fly :)

Hazel.

Fact: I'm Thinner Than Yesterday!

Right girlies, I weighed myself this morning and I was 136.4lbs! I'm losing weight and loving it, perhaps I really will reach my goal of the 120s by the time the competition is over :)


Yesterday was a bit of a struggle though :( I ate more than I should have, because I was constantly having to eat in front of people. Here's my intake for yersterday:

* Half of a pudding cup [150 calories]
* A bowl of boiled spinach [approx 75 calories]
* A few forkfuls of birthday cake. [too many calories]

I also have a confession to make :( Last night I had a mini binge and ate most of a 140g bar of Dairy Milk Chocolate. That's about 600 calories in one go. :( What a fat pig I am. So much for the fast.


But today is a new day. I will plan today down to every last calorie and activity. The only thing that saved me yesterday was the amount of physical work I did at the petshop, along with the 45 minutes of walking around and trick or treating I did. Funnily enough though, I'm not really tempted to eat those sweets. I've put the hard candies to one side and they'l be my sugar rush when needed.

Today I will eat only fruit, unless put under pressure in front of others to do other wise. Fruit fast... Sounds catchy :) I will eat peaches, pineapples, and apples, but only when I feel I am going to drop. I have something to prove to myself today.


And on a more anoying note; my dad came down to see me last night. The mere sight of him makes my skin crawl. And I don't know when he's going to leave. At least this means that my increasing time spent either in my room or out the house is acceptable.


Goals for today! I shall play a minimum of 45 minutes on WiiFit, and eat a maximum of 400 calories. I shall drink as little as I need to, and only water or herbal teas :)

Think thin girls, and remember: Twigs Can Fly!

Hazel.