Thursday, 23 September 2010

Hazel is Good at Hiding.

I don't leave my house anymore, I can't. If I leave my house something will get me, something will hurt me, bad things will happen. I can't remember the last time I could smile without wanting to cry.

I haven't showered or washed my hair for perhaps over a week now. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I don't have energy to do anything anymore. I've been eating - it's the only thing I can do. I don't hate myself for it.

I just wonder, if this is all there is to life, then why should I go on?

Boy I've missed a shitload of college work. I know I should be doing coursework, and seeing friends, and going to work. But I've fallen behind on coursework, I seldom speak to anyone anymore, and I've quit one of my jobs.

I'm just tired, all the time. I forget too. Sometimes I may wake up, and things will just go black. And before I can even make sense of anything, it's the evening and time for me to go to bed. I sleep a lot now. But it doesn't matter how much I sleep - I'm always tired.

We always said that numb was the worst feeling. Now I don't think it is. The worst feeling is blind indifference. That's all I feel now.


  1. Babe, it sounds like you're really depressed, and this is when it's the hardest to fight anything. You have to know that this isn't you. This is an awful disease that is abusing you and mistreating you and telling you that you are not good enough. And if your first reaction is to say, "Well, I'm not", that's not you talking. That is this horrible creature tricking you into thinking that its thoughts are yours.

    Life is beautiful. There is more to life. I promise that this too shall pass, and that you will not always feel this way. Try very hard to surround yourself with things that will make you happy. Ask for help and you shall receive. Especially if you are at college, professors are really quite good about it.

    Be well, darling.

  2. I agree with Miriam!
    Trust someone---there are good people out there who WILL help you!!!!!!!!!!! You are really struggling!! Come on girl-get out there-you are special-you are loved!! Stop hiding--no ones going to see the real you if you keep hiding youself. You don't have energy to take a shower but go go and take that shower!!! do exactly what you don't want to do!!!!! It's a form of therapy.
    Smile....even if its not a really smile. Smile. Look outside and just smile.

  3. (I'm not signed in but this is Be Kind For Everyone You Know....) profile
    That made me really happy when I read that this morning. And ya I know its okay to be sad. I'm not going to pretend I'm not sad because I miss her dearly.
    Thanks! I added you on skype!!!! :)


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