I'm not coping.

I would currently quite happily welcome death.

Because there's such a mesmerising beauty in self mutilation.

I long for nothing.

Home Sweet Home

Lalalalala. I feel quite musical. Although, I don't have much to be musical about.

Damage control: My weight having returned from the shitty excuse for a holiday is in fact 132lbs. Fucking disgusting.

But it's okay to an extent. I've now joined the gym. 

Today I ate about 300 calories for breakfast. That stayed down. Went to the gym briefly to sort out my membership, burnt 200 calories. Came home, ate about 300 calories. Purged most of it - about 100 calories?

Net calories today = 600 - 300

Net calories today = 300 calories.

I can deal with that. 

Now off to have my first cigarette since Tuesday. <3

Hazel. 

Purge

Well it happened.

Yesterday I was car sick, had eaten only a yoghurt, but because of the journey I threw up everything including the night before's salad. WAHEY. Got to a hotel, ate another salad at around 9/10ish. I went to the shower, and whilst I was showering I stuck my fingers down my throat and got rid of as much of that salad as I could.

Which was not much, if you were wondering. About a quarter of it.

Was going to purge again this morning. 1 hashbrown, 1 piece of bacon and two sausages. Eaten systematically so that I knew that once the hasbrown came up, I was done. Started purging, talked myself out of it.

Binged at lunch. TGI Friday's. Went to the toilet to throw it up, someone else was there. So I'm about to go and do a nice big poo instead.

Haven't had a cigarette since fucking, tuesday.



I'm scared.

I've abused laxatives, ephedrine, I've make myself throw up. It makes me wonder "what's next". When's it going to stop.


I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Hazel.

Internet At This Hotel

Okay, so we're staying in a hotel by the Lake District, and I currently have 12 mintues internet time remaining. I had to check facebook first ofc.

Today has been an absolutely shite day for eating. I've eaten too much.

* 1 and 3/4 slices of bread. 176 calories.
* Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki footlong sub. [I'm sorry ):] 500 calories?
* Caesar salad. 300 calories.

Total 976 calories.

That's actually disgustlyly disgraceful. What a pig. So what if it's under 1000 calories? It isn't under 700. But I haven't purged. I hate this - it's like now every time I eat, I'm taken over by the urge to run full pelt to the bathroom and hurl till I see blood escaping into the toilet bowl.

This isn't normal. But I'm beyond caring. All I know, is that I need to reach 125lbs by the end of this month. There's no scales here. I hate it.

Hazel.

Finally Got Rid Of Some Weight

Back down at 131lbs finally. But I come with bad news ): I'm going on holiday with my mum today, until saturday. That means I'm going to be around her constantly. That means she'll see everything I do, or more importantly don't eat. 

So what do I do?

I've been eating less that 700 calories a day, which is a high number I know, but most days it's actually under 300 calories. I saw this guy yesterday, he used to be married to my great aunt. He told me I need to put on weight, get some meat on me.

What is it with these turkish people? My bmi is in the bloody normal range, and I hate it!

Also had a conversation in which I told my younger sister how much I hate it when my boyfriend picks me up. You're going to love her reaction.

"But you're too heavy to be picked up!"

That m'dears is precisely why I hate being picked up. But my boyfriend loves to prove the point that I'm not to heavy for him. ARGH.

This is a slightly random/schizophrenic post I realise. But I'm in pieces. What the fuck do I do? I won't have any scales, and I won't be able to hide my intake. I'm going to set myself a challenge though. I have to be 127lbs by the time I come back.

That's reasonable right? I'm beyond caring.

I've been shutting people out more and more, and I hate this. Every time I think I'm beating the depression, it comes on stronger - like a tidal wave smothering me, engulfing me. And there's absolotely no way I can beat it. I haven't been self harming, but each day the need to is getting so much stronger. I've become so dark. I'm just so tired of it all tbh.

Hazel.

Help help help.

My mum was going on at me about eating, wanting me to eat dinner so I did.

I ate 75 calories worth of Quorn products. No big, right?

Wrong. I went back and ate the whole packet. 302 calories of Quorn product. 

Went to pick up more food, stopped myself.

The binge monster is calling from within me.

Now I feel disgusting. My eyes keep darting towards the bathroom, I have a fantasy playing in my mind of me purging everything. But we have guests round. And I don't want to enter the dangerous game of bulimia.

Help.

Fucking Fail Leads On To A Fucking Fast

Right, yesterday was an epic fail. I weighed myself this morning and it's a FUCKLOAD. It's slightly more than I started february at. But I've altered my goals, and I think it's reasonable to be 125lbs by the end of the month than 120lbs. 120lbs can be my next goal.

I still find it funny that people actually choose to follow this blog. I mean, I epically fail at maintaining a weight below 130lbs. And I think I'm quite boring.

Hazel.

PARASITIC SMOTHERING HOLDING ME BACK.

133lbs. I don't know what's happening. I'm losing control.

My mum met my boyfriend today. That's all well and good, however within 5minutes of meeting eachother they decided to start talking about how I never eat. How I'm too thin.

He took me out today. Made me eat most of a magherita pizza from pizza express. Bought me chocolate. I've eaten 2000 calories of just chocolate.

But now I'm taking a stand.

I will not eat. Period.

On a quick note, thankyou to all my followers, new and old. Getting the few followers this week has given me motivation. I won't let y'all down.

Hazel.

Apologies.

Sorry for not blogging recently, has been a bit hectic. I've been reading all of your blogs and such, but feeling like I don't deserve to post. 

I'm 131lbs. Unlikely to be 125lbs by sunday. My boyfriend's forgiven me. Don't know if we're doing anything on V/day. I've been ill this week.

My eating has been quite high in calories - just about under 1000 calories today, and yesterday I'd eaten about 700. Not good. But on the plus side I'm back into doing exercise, I've been doing about 200 situps, 100 leg lifts, 25 press ups and sometimes I do cardio. All in the confines of my own bedroom of course, don't exactly want to go to a gym and be faced with exercising next to gym bunnies.

Sorry for being crap and all. It kind of sucks that I can't seem to maintain a weight below 130lbs. But I will, when I figure out how to keep that motivation.

Hazel.

He Found Out.

I'm not sure if y'all remember me mentioning Lorenzo in a post a few months ago. Probably not, it's cool cause I don't talk to him anymore. I hate him. He makes me so angry.

Back in December I failed to mention that I got extremely drunk at Grace's house. Lorenzo came over, and at some point he kissed me. The worst part is that I don't even remember the night.

I told my boyfriend last night. It came up in conversation, he asked me if I'd ever cheated. I didn't lie. I couldn't lie. Now he wont talk to me. Now I'm in pieces.

I haven't gone into college today. I need to get my threading done. I need to do a french essay. I need to revise for my french oral exam. I need to hide.

Yes this is an extremely selfish post... but I feel as if I'm being broken into thousands of different pieces. Sharp pieces. But I won't cut myself with these sharp pieces.

Maybe if I work hard enough, my boyfriend will trust me again. Maybe if I try hard enough to eat, to not self harm, he'll remember how much he loves me again.

But maybe I'm not good enough anyways.

Start Over... Kind of.

Weighed in this morning at a lovely 128lbs :), and I found that there's a major difference between now, and when I was this weight the other week. I don't feel the desire to stuff myself with food, yet I don't feel the desire to starve. I just want to keep on restricting, keep on losing weight. Keep on taking ephedrine. Keep on taking laxatives when I really need them.

I have many conversations with people that know about my eating about "eating disorders". Apparently I have one. I don't think so, I just have control. Think about it, I know my eating isn't normal but I don't have anorexia nervosa, nor do I have bulimia nervosa, nor do I constantly compulsively overeat... 

Just my musings :). Think thin ladies, and sorry for being so boring with my posts recently.

THINSPO NEXT POST!

Hazel.

Argh.

I've definately eaten a stupid amount today - but I wont be posting the calorie contents. I took 2 ephedrine with the two meal thingies that I ate, and earlier I weighed myself at 134lbs and panicked. I took two more, both at the same time. Weighed in again at 130lbs. Hopefully I'll be in the 120s by tomorrow - I'm determined to be 125lbs by valentines day :).

I think I'll post my confusion about dress sizes now please. All day today I was wearing my size 6-8 (US 2-4) shorts, and earlier my mum bought me a new pair of black skinny jeans in the size 8 (US 4) I asked for. They go up just fine... but the button wouldn't go on. The more I managed to force it, the bigger my love handles got. So I can wear size 6-8s (US 2-4s) fine, but the moment I try to do up the button on the new size 8 (US 4) jeans, I practically die.

Only one thing for it really - lose weight :).

Hazel.

The Effects Of Ephedrine.

And niow to add another to the list of effects: I can't stop twitching.

Seriously. I can feel how increased my heart rate is, and it's as if I can't keep still. I love it. Weight this morning, exactly 130lbs. Not good enough. My lowest weight is 127lbs, I should be maintaining that. The laxatives I took last night are only just beginning to kick in, but I'm not too worried - I haven't exactly eaten very much.

I had a few chips at aout 5pm yesterday, and since I've had 250 calories in the form of a patty. I don't think I'll extend this any further tbh - I want to be 125lbs by the 14th of Febuary. That gives me 10 days.

And once again on the subject of laxatives, according to mother "nothing will come out until you put something in." She saw my laxatives and asked why I had them. My reply was that I hadn't taken a dump in 6 days. She thinks I'm too thin. I think that's bollocks: I'm not thin yet.

My boyfriend was hugging me today and felt my ribs. He asked me what "those lumps sticking out" were, and when I replied it was my ribcage, he looked horrified. Well it's not my fault really, he hasn't complained before.

I'm sick of faddy "ABC" and "2468" diets. Yes they may help others, but when I fail them I'm just left demotivated and binge-prone. I'm just going to do this my way.

Sorry for the random posts,  m'ladies - I'm just in that mood today! I'm annoyed cause I can'tread your blogs atm. Fecking school computers!

Hazel.

Random update on drug taking.

Well I have this problem. Yesterday and today I woke up at 131lbs. I know why. Yes I’m taking ephedrine, but I’m using it as an excuse to eat up to 1000 calories a day. Fucking disgusting. Well I’ve done something productive about it: I bought laxatives today. I’m not eating anymore today, and tomorrow morning I’ll also be eating as little as possible – 500 calories maybe?

Combine 500 calories maximum with 3 or 4 ephedrine tablets, and lactulose, and I think we’re in business! I absolutely have to be 120lbs – solidly – by the end of this month. And if possible, 125lbs by valentine’s day. I don’t particularly want to be a fat heffer when I lose my virginity thanks. Oh, I forgot to mention: apparently I’m fantastic at giving head. Yup, I broke that baby in last week some time. Can I get a Hells to the Yeah?

But back to the problem: ah yes, I’m fat. I’m extremely fat. Parasitic, in fact. Here’s a list of things I’ll be doing instead of eating:

·         Cutting out thinspo to use for my exhibition piece.

·         Finishing my book.

·         Writing lyrics.

·         Shower. [Yes, I seem to find this exceedingly difficult at times. Fucking depression.]

·         Random homework.

·         Get piercings [<< more news on this in a mo!]

·         Go and have my extremely hairy body waxed.

Tadaa!

Yes, piercings! I’m getting my belly pierced, my tragus pierced on the same ear as I already have my industrial done, a piercing at the top of my left ear, and also a 3 or 4mm gage through the middle of my left ear – the plug effect is desired! Eee, I’m excited! My bitch of a mother has agreed for me to get my navel pierced, I just don’t think I’ll tell her about the rest.

Anyhows dears, I have to go take some laxatives and shower and what not. Lovee!

Hazel.

Update on the Drugs.

Got my ephedrine today :). So far I've taken two, just before eating. I've eaten a fair amount though...

Steak pasty. 250 calories.

3 muffins. 300 calories.

Slice of cheese cake. 150 calories.

Total: 700 calories.

That's a lot more than I'd usually be happy to eat, but hey - I got pills. The only side effects I've really noticed so far would be a headache, but that could be for other reasons.

Weighed myself this morning - 132lbs. I'll try not to weigh myself again tonight, and we'll just see what happens tomorrow.

Think thin girlies, Twigs Can Fly!

Hazel.

Damage Control.

Not too bad. Considering I was 128lbs pre binge, and now I'm 132lbs and in need of a big poo - I'm going to try not to freak too much.

Yesterday was extremely eventful. I walked out of my house, because of a massive argument I had with my mum. She was judging. When I got back, we went to my nan's. They were all judging.

On the plus side, I met up with Nikki yesterday - the friend who I'd fallen out with majorly because of my eating. I'm going to post the conversation we had that day - please read it bearing in mind that she's apologised for over reacting. Don't be angry with her - she's my everything.

Nikki says (19:36):

What's the situation with your eating.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:36):

i don't eat. my bmi goes from 18.6 to 19.5

depends on the day

getting ephedra next week

uhm, that's about it

Nikki says (19:36):

What's that.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:36):

why?

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:37):

oh, it's for weight loss. it stops all forms of fat being absorbed into your body

dont say anything to anyone please. only you know, and the guy getting it for me

Nikki says (19:38):

the guy getting it for you? Sounds like a drug dealer.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:38):

my friend, and lol he kind of is

bless him, he's lovely really

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:39):

why're you asking all of this all of a sudden? >.<

Nikki says (19:40):

I'm not justifying myself

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:40):

im not having a go at you nikki... i was just wondering

Nikki says (19:41):

Could just say curiosity.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:41):

what d'you mean?

Nikki says (19:41):

Haven't spoken in a while eh.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:42):

I know we haven't.

Every time I try I get blown off.

Nikki says (19:42):

Hmm no

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:43):

It's difficult to speak to you, knowing that im unlikely to see you for a very long time.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:44):

tell me if im wrong...

Nikki says (19:44):

Dunno

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:45):

see look nikki, it's so hard to have a conversation with you... if you can call it that. it's msn

Nikki says (19:45):

You think it would be different in person?

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:45):

you promised. you promised that we wouldn't drift apart, that we'd be okay.

Nikki says (19:46):

Don't guilt trip me Hazel, it pisses me off.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:48):

i'm not guilt tripping you. it's what you said.

and in person it would be different. there's less to hide behind.

Nikki says (19:50):

It's what I said, therefore you're making me feel guilty aren't you.

The rest of this is long and goes round in circles. Here's the end.

Nikki says (20:11):

Go live in Africa Hazel.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:11):

i'm not doing this to spite anyone nikki.

what?

what the fuck is that supposed to mean

Nikki says (20:12):

It means there are people in the world who would give anything to have a bit of food and you're giving it up. Recon Africa would be a good place for you? I mean.. Shortage of food and all. Then the real Hazel can come back.

Nikki says (20:13):

Maybe.

**

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:13):

you're trying to guilt trip me. you're trying to shock me into becoming what you want me to be.

why can't you accept that im still the same person? just different on the outside?

Nikki says (20:13):

Because you're not just different on the outside

Nikki says (20:14):

And I'm not guilt tripping you.

" "

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:14):

how have i changed on the inside?! you haven't explained it,

you are. you're making me feel guilty for being the way i am

Nikki says (20:14):

Yeah brb I'm actually angry.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:33):

are we going to talk anymore, or is this going to once again become the last conversation we have in a long time?

Nikki says (20:34):

Tbh I can't face talking to you.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:34):

right.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:35):

well i'm sorry nikki. i'm sorry if i'm not the Hazel you remember.

and this isn't me "guilt tripping"

it's sincere.

i still love you more than anything, that hasn't stopped.

talk to me when you can face it.

Nikki says (20:36):

I can't

Talk to strangers

It's weird.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:37):

nikki i'm not a stranger

Nikki says (20:37):

It feels like it...

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:37):

we've been through so much... why can't we get through this as well?

Nikki says (20:38):

This is just too much hazel. I literally can't.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:38):

I'm sorry.

She's apologised for ever reacting. We're going to try to start again. One condition: I get help for my supposed eating disorder. Fuckk :(