Damage Control.

Not too bad. Considering I was 128lbs pre binge, and now I'm 132lbs and in need of a big poo - I'm going to try not to freak too much.

Yesterday was extremely eventful. I walked out of my house, because of a massive argument I had with my mum. She was judging. When I got back, we went to my nan's. They were all judging.

On the plus side, I met up with Nikki yesterday - the friend who I'd fallen out with majorly because of my eating. I'm going to post the conversation we had that day - please read it bearing in mind that she's apologised for over reacting. Don't be angry with her - she's my everything.

Nikki says (19:36):

What's the situation with your eating.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:36):

i don't eat. my bmi goes from 18.6 to 19.5

depends on the day

getting ephedra next week

uhm, that's about it

Nikki says (19:36):

What's that.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:36):

why?

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:37):

oh, it's for weight loss. it stops all forms of fat being absorbed into your body

dont say anything to anyone please. only you know, and the guy getting it for me

Nikki says (19:38):

the guy getting it for you? Sounds like a drug dealer.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:38):

my friend, and lol he kind of is

bless him, he's lovely really

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:39):

why're you asking all of this all of a sudden? >.<

Nikki says (19:40):

I'm not justifying myself

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:40):

im not having a go at you nikki... i was just wondering

Nikki says (19:41):

Could just say curiosity.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:41):

what d'you mean?

Nikki says (19:41):

Haven't spoken in a while eh.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:42):

I know we haven't.

Every time I try I get blown off.

Nikki says (19:42):

Hmm no

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:43):

It's difficult to speak to you, knowing that im unlikely to see you for a very long time.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:44):

tell me if im wrong...

Nikki says (19:44):

Dunno

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:45):

see look nikki, it's so hard to have a conversation with you... if you can call it that. it's msn

Nikki says (19:45):

You think it would be different in person?

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:45):

you promised. you promised that we wouldn't drift apart, that we'd be okay.

Nikki says (19:46):

Don't guilt trip me Hazel, it pisses me off.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (19:48):

i'm not guilt tripping you. it's what you said.

and in person it would be different. there's less to hide behind.

Nikki says (19:50):

It's what I said, therefore you're making me feel guilty aren't you.

The rest of this is long and goes round in circles. Here's the end.

Nikki says (20:11):

Go live in Africa Hazel.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:11):

i'm not doing this to spite anyone nikki.

what?

what the fuck is that supposed to mean

Nikki says (20:12):

It means there are people in the world who would give anything to have a bit of food and you're giving it up. Recon Africa would be a good place for you? I mean.. Shortage of food and all. Then the real Hazel can come back.

Nikki says (20:13):

Maybe.

**

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:13):

you're trying to guilt trip me. you're trying to shock me into becoming what you want me to be.

why can't you accept that im still the same person? just different on the outside?

Nikki says (20:13):

Because you're not just different on the outside

Nikki says (20:14):

And I'm not guilt tripping you.

" "

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:14):

how have i changed on the inside?! you haven't explained it,

you are. you're making me feel guilty for being the way i am

Nikki says (20:14):

Yeah brb I'm actually angry.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:33):

are we going to talk anymore, or is this going to once again become the last conversation we have in a long time?

Nikki says (20:34):

Tbh I can't face talking to you.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:34):

right.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:35):

well i'm sorry nikki. i'm sorry if i'm not the Hazel you remember.

and this isn't me "guilt tripping"

it's sincere.

i still love you more than anything, that hasn't stopped.

talk to me when you can face it.

Nikki says (20:36):

I can't

Talk to strangers

It's weird.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:37):

nikki i'm not a stranger

Nikki says (20:37):

It feels like it...

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:37):

we've been through so much... why can't we get through this as well?

Nikki says (20:38):

This is just too much hazel. I literally can't.

Hazel. [[Always Smile... No Matter How Broken You Are...]] says (20:38):

I'm sorry.

She's apologised for ever reacting. We're going to try to start again. One condition: I get help for my supposed eating disorder. Fuckk :(