:(

A friend of mine  has been admitted to hospital due to a suicide attempt.

My response? 

I'm eating anything and everything.

Morning Weigh In: 128lbs.

Cravings.

I really really really want white bread with ketchup.
I really really want chocolate.

But I really really really want to be thin.

129.0lbs bitches ^.^
It'll be lower tomorrow.

Hazel.

GAH.

Was 129lbs this morning, haven't weighed myself before bed yet. Fast was absolutely fine, till about half 12 ish. My boyfriend started causing a scene, cause I hadn't eaten that day (he didn't know about the 40something previous hours of fasting), and himself and my friend Paige forced me to eat 150calories of twirl. Fml.

I haven't eaten since, unless 40calories of chocolate powder counts?

Hope y'all are doing well - twigs can fly!

Hazel.

Fasting Friday - Continued Fast.

The last time I ate was around half past one on the 27th of January. Today's fasting friday too, so I won't be eating today either. I want to make it to Monday having not eaten anything.

I'm still on my goddamned period, but I've lost a few pounds - 129 now :). Hopefully that means that once I've come off my period I'll be even lighter? 

Not really sure what else to post, but I really am in the shittiest of moods tbh:

* The girl that got me through life has abandoned me.

* My mum won't kick me out. But she continues to make my life a living hell anyways.

* My dear friend needs a massive hug from me, but I'm not there to give it to her. Sorry J :(.

* I feel like an elephant.

* Depression is now worse than ever. I can't muster the energy to do menial things like shower. It's a battle with myself that I'm trying not to lose.

Enough of depressing you all, I'm out.

Hazel.

Update.

I'm 131lbs. My uterus is vomiting blood. This morning I vomited due to too much weed on an empty stomach, the first time I've ever tried it.

I have a headache. I'm fat.

My best friend has told me I'm now too much for her to deal with, and has cut me from her life.

I'm going to be kicked out soon - if not I'll just leave. I can't take my mum's bullying anymore. 

And I still think that death would be a much easier escape. But I won't be weak: I'll be strong and thin, and show the world that no matter how many times they kick me down, I will defeat them.

Help.

I'm getting bigger.

I'm getting ephedra.

I'm being told I'm unstable.

I'm close to the edge.

I'm being told I have an eating disorder.

I don't.

I just have better control.

New Plan.

Well basically, I am currently severely concussed. And in this concussed state, I have decided that extreme starvation isn't working for me atm because of the turkish people I live with that like to force feed me. Literally. 

New Plan! Fruit and veg diet. I don't give a fuck about the calories (they kind of sort themselves out), so long as I'm only consuming fresh fruit and vegetables. Seeing as though I automatically restrict, I think I'll be okay.

Tomorrow's food plan:

2 peppers.

Half a cucumber.

1 stem of celery.

1 apple.

1 banana.

Lettuce.

1 plum.

Boiled spinach.

Raw broccoli.

Raw mushrooms.

I have absolutely no idea about which of these are negative calories, and how many calories the rest of these have. Help a Twig out?

I'll do this till Tuesday, then see if it's something I can continue without too much suspition from afore said "turks".

Fruit and Veg Diet.

SW: 131lbs.

S.BMI: 19.5 (grr)

I'll put this diet in the stats, and post of much weight loss it achieved compared to ABC (4lbs in 10days). 

Hazel.

NB. To those wondering how the hell I managed to get myself concussed: I smacked the back of my head against a concrete wall whilst gang-raping my boyfriend for a pen. :D.

Mini Rant.

I have a concussion. I am fat. My mother is a bitch. She is fat. She's internet dating. I just ate curry. My weight won't budge. Fuck life.

Yesterday Was A Fail.

Epic fail, anybody? Yesterday I was in such a pissy mood it's actually unbelievable. I had a steak pie, 4 bbq wings and chips, about 200g of chocolate, a tin of peaches, and 3 pitta breads with butter. In that order.

Lets approximate those calories shall we?

Steak pie. 250 calories.
4 bbq wings and chips. 700 calories.
200g chocolate. 500 calories.
3 pitta breads. 750 calories.

Total: 2200.

I don't remember the last time I binged to that extent. Damage this morning: 130lbs. I have to be perfect, it's not even my choice anymore. But I have to embrace it.

Today is fasting friday: think thin ladies. Twigs Can Fly.

Hazel.

Fixing the Damage.

I've eaten 100 calories today, and c'est tout. I would have fasted, but I have medication to take. Excuses I know, but certain medicines I would be foolish to take on an empty stomach. 

This morning I weighed in at 131lbs, and I weighed myself just now at 130lbs. So I'm losing. I'm hoping to be 128lbs tomorrow morning, but I'd be happy with any loss. 

Guess whose favourite (step)father is coming again on Friday? YAYYY. Fucking douche. Sorry about the french. :D. Least I'm at art class on friday, and turkish school on saturday, so I don't have to see him much at all.

I had gymnastics coaching today, nearly fell asleep but what the hey. Burned a fair bit, and mum assumed I ate dinner there. Didn't stop her from buying shit loads of pizza though. And chicken strips. But I refuse to eat them :). She can be 5 foot 6 and 200lbs, but I'd rather not be thanks. Yes ladies, my mother has a b.m.i of over 32. Eurgh.

My mother... she is in fact everything I don't want to be. I detest her. I despise her. I don't respect her. But I still love her. I hate myself for it. She's the main reason I am the way I am: at 12 years old, when she was falling apart over my (step)dad I was the one wiping away her tears, and raising my younger sister. She hates the fact that I raised my sister. She gets back at me for it every single day.

Lol oh dear, this post is getting really hard to write all of a sudden >.< I'll blog later at some point. Thanks for the comments my lovelies, they really helped lift me out of a slump :).

Hazel.

Waste Of Space.

Well y'see, I'm the biggest waste of space this world has ever seen. Yesterday and the day before I've been arguing with my mum about my fucking (step)dad. I don't feel safe around him. I hate him. Drug dealing, murdering, psychobullshitting bastard. He makes me cry. He makes me cut. He makes me eat. He makes me hurt. Guess who came round last night? Last night is a whole different story.

I had to call an ambulance for my 11 year old sister last night: suspected meningitis. It wasn't, thank fuck, but she needed help. My mum wouldn't do anything, just kept saying that there was a doctors appointment for her tomorrow. I hate it when she's stubborn like this. My sister's alright though, at least. So (step)father dearest came round about 12:30am, just after we got back from the hospital.

I've been binging - eating my emotions. I'm so sorry ): I'm supposed to stay this strong person that I have been recently, but I'm falling apart. I'm desperately trying to hold on to this person that I'm trying so desperately to be. To stay as. I weighed myself earlier: 132lbs.

Fuck.

127lbs and finally had a bowel movement :D

I'm still 127lbs, and that's okay! I figure that after a 48 hour fast, it would either go up a bit or stay stable. I'm glad that it's staying stable!

I FINALLY DID A POO AND IT WAS A REALLY BIG ONE!

Hells to the yeahhh.

Just a few pictures to keep you going (:

Twigs can fly!

Hazel.

48 hour fast has ended.

I fasted for exactly 48 hours. I was taken to chinese by friends, I couldn't avoid it. I ate 600 calories. That's over my 500 calorie a day limit.

I came home and my mum told me she'd bought me some vest tops from Primark, and I thought yay. But no. She bought me size 10, STRETCH vest tops. I'm an easy size 8 now.

So now I'm trying not to cry. I'm so fucking stupid. Think thin. Twigs Can Fly.

Hazel.

Still fasting ^.^

Hey girlies (:

The last meal I ate was 350 calories, pitta bread with a tin of tuna. That was on the 14th of January :D. So far I have been fasting for 39hours 30mins. I'm going to see how long I can keep this going for.

The funny thing is, I only felt hungry for the first 12 hours; now it's just a dull thud. I can deal with that (: . I'm going out today at two, to eat with friends at nando's. I'm going to tell them that I was made to eat at home, and that I'll burst if I eat anymore! Then we're going to the cinema - extra large diet coke for me please :D. Mum's picking me up at 8, so I'll tell her I ate so much whilst at the cinema, I just want to go to bed.

I do love it when a plan comes together! And btw...

ONEHUNDREDANDTWENTYSEVENPOUNDSBITCHES!

Yup! I have a new lw :D. Hi I'm Hazel, 127lbs and with a bmi of 19. How d'you do? :D

Fucking love itttt.

But yeah, I'm going to see Avatar in 3D - I've heard it's pretty good, is it? Oh and I'd love to hear from you skinnies about any fasting you've done, it sounds twisted, but it gives me the motivation to carry on! I want to be thinner than you :D.

I reckon I'd probably be 126lbs, if it wasn't for the fact that I haven't done a poo in a few days... Constipation! The attributor to ME NOT BEING 126LBS.

Think thin girlies, have a nice day :D. Twigs Can Fly!

Hazel.

xx.

Fasting Friday Ftw. I still haven't eaten.

It's been 30 hours since I last ate. And I don't want to eat tomorrow either (: My stomach is cramping, I feel tired, I feel weak. But I feel strong. Triumphant. I did it :D.

Today I have had... (drumroll please!):

2 red bull sugarfrees. 15 calories.

Water. 

Milkshake. 100 calories.

I know I shouldn't have had the milkshake, but my dad wanted to get me MacDonalds. It was the only way ):Still though, nothing solid or excessive (:

I absolutely love feeling this triumphant! Hopefully I'll wake up around 127lbs tomorrow? That'd be my new low (: EEE. Excitement! Yeah 127lbs is a fuckload to haul around, but at 5"8.5 it would make my bmi 19. So there. ^.^

So hyperrr :D I shouldn't even be awake at this time but I've had a redbull sugarfree so weeee :D. It'll have slowed my metabolism thoughs, which is a nada. I'll just have to consume zero again tomorrow. Ooh, maybe I can make this a weekend fast? :D. NO FOOD TILL MONDAY. I hope ^.^ That would be fantastic, if I could do that! I'd probably make it liquids though, so that I could consume a low cal soup if forced. 

I don't care how I do it... I just want control. I just want perfection. And I'm going to get it, I promise (:

Twigs Can Fly.

Hazel.

Hypermanic?

I'm still fatfatfat at 129, but I'm going to be 128 by the end of the day... EEE. I like being hypermanic, even though being bipolar is a bit bleurghh. I feel slightly dzzy from hunger, where I didn't eat much yesterday and today I plan on eating nothingness too ^.^

I have the distinct feeling that I'm going to faint... GOOD. It shows it's working. Told my mum about my boyfriend last night and she wasn't impressed cause I've hidden it from her for about 3 months. My reply? I tell you a hell of a lot more than most kids tell their parents. Fair enough it's a load of bullshit, but it's slightly true too :D

My skin's doing that slightly translucent thingy again and I quite like it: if I lean to the side my skin goes taut over my ribs, and you can see every single one! I mean, if I can do that with a bmi of 19.3, imagine what I could do with a bmi of 18 or lower :D

Beautiful bones (:

My mum shouted at me to eat dinner yesterday. That's how come I had to eat that pitta bread and tuna. Icky ick. I would have quite happily survived off of the 100 calorie bread slice and tomato.

FASTING FRIDAY TODAY. Don't eat. Mustn't eat. Tomorrow I'll be Thinner Than Yesterday (:

So long girlies, Twigs Can Fly!

Hazel.

Final calorie count, tomorrow's Fasting Friday :)

Today I have eaten:

Small piece of bread with tomatoes. 100 calories.

Tin of tuna. 200 calories.

Small Pitta bread. 150 calories.

Under my 500 a day limit :)

Fasting Friday tomorrow guys, who's joining Petal and I?

Twigs Can Fly!

Hazel.

129lbs and I'm still alive.

Sorry for the fright yesterday guys ): I was just so close to the edge, and I didn't like looking over.

Dropped 2lbs over night, yay I'm 129lbs. Bmi of 19.3 , and I'm only 4lbs away from my goal for the end of this month. Fingers crossed I'll achieve it.

Twigs Can Fly.

Hazel.

I Don't Know Anymore.

Peace. Being blissfully unaware. Nothing. That's what I want.

I feel trapped, engulfed by this feeling. I've lost control, completely and utterly. What have I eated today? I've stayed easily under 400 calories. But that's not the point. I used to control this. I don't control it anymore, I can't control it anymore.

Every breath I take whispers failure. Every step I'm taking is mocking me. I wanted control, and I got this. Last night I was told by my boyfriend that I'm killing myself. Perhaps that's exactly what I'm doing. Perhaps I should just go ahead and do it a hell of a lot faster.

I'm so many different people... I'm the happy one, the thin one, the one to turn to and the one who makes you smile. But I'm also the scared one, the suicidal once, the dangerously close to the edge one and the fat one. The failure. 

I know how "sorry for myself" this sounds, and I apologise for wasting your time. But I'm playing the distraction game. I'm trying as hard as I can to get myself through tonight. But I'm terrified that I wont. I'm stuck between wanting to survive and wanting to just stop feeling: not like this numb feeling which has me stuck halfway as the living dead, but just being in blissful nothingness. Just. Stopping.

Tonight I don't care if I self harm. I just want to be here the next morning. No, I should be here the next morning. I'm more frightened of letting people down than I am of dying really. Death would be more peaceful than life.

Twigs can fly.

Eeee I fixed the commenting thingy :D

Note to self: next time blogger is a retard, revert widget template thingies. :D

Ate like a piggie yesterday (1650 calories), but I haven't put on. Though equally I haven't lost. I'm stuck at boring old 131lbs - how the fuck am I supposed to get to 125lbs if this shitty plateau continues? Fml.

Twigs Can Fly!

Hazel.

In the name of Vodka: Let us starve.

Mmh, it's been a tad quiet around here recently - oh wells! Weighed myself this morning, and I've lost 1lb :). I want to drop more. And More. Till I can Fly.

College is being a bum: I was told by a few friends that I "HAVE" to start eating, otherwise I'll end up ill. Newsflash:

Maybe I Want To Be "Ill".

I Want To Be Perfect And I Will Be.

I Don't Have To Do Anything.

I've been realising more and more that this isn't a very normal mind set. I've also been realising more and more that I Don't Care.

Twigs Can Fly.

Hazel.

1 guinea pig alive. Weight has reached a plateau.

I still weigh 132. My weight isn't budging, yet I still feel I'm shrinking?

I feel weaker than before, strong but weak. My mind is obviously tricking me, because the scales don't lie.

I'm going to be thin. I'm going to be the girl that people look at in the street, then stop to look at again. I'm going to be beautiful. I'm going to be thinner than you, I'm going to be able to model. I'm going to be smart. I'm going to be perfect, and you're going to help me because I'm going to help you aswell.

We're going to be thin. We're going to be the girls that people look at in the street, then stop to look at again. We're going to be beautiful. And that's final.

And another thing: please don't falsely label yourselves as anorexic. You're about as anorexic as I am. To be anorexic you have to be 15% under the average weight for your height and age, and have missed your period 3 months running. And you have to be diagnosed. Don't assume you've already earnt that perfection - go out and earn it.

That is all :). Twigs Can Fly.

Hazel.

Weight Loss. I Just Can't Eat.

This morning I weighed in at 132lbs, and it gets slightly lower every time I weigh myself. I've eaten a pasty and a small piece of beef today, about 200 calories all together. I wish I could say that it's because I have a fantastic will power, but it isn't. I feel numb. I just can't eat.

Let me explain the situation yesterday: I had 6 guinea pigs, and yesterday I let them run around for a bit because they've been cooped up in boxes inside for a few days because of the snow. My next door neighbours son played with them for a bit, then shut the hutch. I guess he didn't shut it properly. Foxes came and killed them all, I only found the biggest one - Rasmus, and he was dead. I guess he was too big to be carried over the fence. It wasn't my neighbour's son's fault: I normally check on the guinea pigs before I leave the house everyday, and last night I didn't. One of the guinea pigs was pregnant, Fliss, I guess she isn't anymore.

I'll get more guinea pigs when I can face it, I guess now I just can't face what an idiot I was. Sorry that my blog hasn't been weight loss centred.

Think thin, Twigs Can Fly.

Hazel.

Fasting Friday. Dead Guinea Pigs.

Today is fasting friday and I'm sat here eating chocolate cake which my friend and I made earlier. I weigh 134lbs.

All 6 of my guinea pigs were killed about 3 hours ago. Fucking yay.

FINALLY FOUND SOME INTERNET!

Hey pretties, sorry I haven't been posting ): My dad disappeared with £120 of my money, and my laptop cable. Laptop is now out of battery, and impossible for me to use. Figures. So I'm hole up in a lovely internet cafe not giving a fuck if anybody sees my postings.

I met up with Fliss (Felicity) yesterday, it was pretty darn fantastic! A day minus the eating, but with the added bonus of getting lost around London CONSTANTLY :D. A day of walking ftw. 

My uterus currently hates me. I hadn't had a period since the start of October... now it's back with a vengance, and as a result I am now a hefty 133lbs. Fucking ew. Bmi of 19.9, I hate it so much :(    I now have 8lbs to lose by the end of this month, and I swear I will do it. I'll be putting my measurements up again soon, I didn't actually realise that by changing my blogger background I'd lose all of the gadgets on the side :(.

Ah well. Hmm, what have I done today? Well I woke up, found out i have no college and promptly fell back asleep! Woke up at half 11 to the sound of my mother screaming at me, went downstairs and saw that my cousins had posted the coursework to me which I'd left at theirs. Saw how badly it's been snowing, and bought the guinea pigs inside (I have 6 now!!). Ate 75 calories worth of pineapple spears. Started Philosophy essay. Argued with mum. Tried to leave the house. She stopped me by telling me that I have to eat - my answer to that was taking a cup of soup with me and dumping it in the nearest trash can. F. T. W.

Yeah, so now I'm here and I have no idea what else to do! I've done my French essay (complete with research), and I'm basically trying to waste away some timeage. Boyfriend rang me and asked if I wanted to go to the cinema, but I know the pissy mood that my mum's in, she'll just get angry if I ask.

I FEEL SO FUCKING SICK. Grr. My stomach hurts, and it has that horrible acid-y feeling, as if I'm going to be sick or something. Wouldn't mind if I was sick actually, but I'm really not going to force it. At times I've wanted to, but I know that it isn't the right way. It's worse for my health, and I can't really exercise self control if all I'm doing is throwing up what I eat, eh?

Okies, well I'll find msn somehow, and also surf your lubbly blogs. I'm thinner than yesterday girls, remember Twigs Can Fly!

Hazel.