Wednesday, 13 January 2010

I Don't Know Anymore.

Peace. Being blissfully unaware. Nothing. That's what I want.

I feel trapped, engulfed by this feeling. I've lost control, completely and utterly. What have I eated today? I've stayed easily under 400 calories. But that's not the point. I used to control this. I don't control it anymore, I can't control it anymore.

Every breath I take whispers failure. Every step I'm taking is mocking me. I wanted control, and I got this. Last night I was told by my boyfriend that I'm killing myself. Perhaps that's exactly what I'm doing. Perhaps I should just go ahead and do it a hell of a lot faster.

I'm so many different people... I'm the happy one, the thin one, the one to turn to and the one who makes you smile. But I'm also the scared one, the suicidal once, the dangerously close to the edge one and the fat one. The failure. 

I know how "sorry for myself" this sounds, and I apologise for wasting your time. But I'm playing the distraction game. I'm trying as hard as I can to get myself through tonight. But I'm terrified that I wont. I'm stuck between wanting to survive and wanting to just stop feeling: not like this numb feeling which has me stuck halfway as the living dead, but just being in blissful nothingness. Just. Stopping.

Tonight I don't care if I self harm. I just want to be here the next morning. No, I should be here the next morning. I'm more frightened of letting people down than I am of dying really. Death would be more peaceful than life.

Twigs can fly.


  1. You will be here in the morning, and the morning after that, and the next because you are strong like Vodka, and I'm sending you post in the morning.

    <3 xo

  2. I TOTALLY understand you and all the different pleople you are. I know how it feels.
    But although it seems like this feeling of emptiness will never end, just REMEMBER that this is not the first time you're feeling that this, and it won't be the last time because you will survive till the next one.

    Stay strong, everything will be fine.

  3. Sorry for the fright guys >.<
    I'm alive, and I managed not to cut.
    Now to face the boyfriend (:

    Thank you ):


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