Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Shitty dayyy

Food intake's been okay. It was more than 100 calories though:

Half a pizza baguette. 85 calories.
Milkshake from Shakeaway. 125 calories.

So I had 210. Not so bad, I won't kill myself for it.

From last night to today has perhaps been the darkest time I've seen for a while. Last night I got myself in such a big state about my fast that I was reduced to tears. I broke a hanger and cut my arm over and over again. I don't think I've ever seen so much blood... I've had to cover it with a bandage and tell people that I've sprained it by falling out of bed. At college I pretty much drifted in and out... My boyfriend found out about my self harming last night, and it's now as if he's tiptoeing around me. I told one of my newest, yet closest friends "Lorenzo" about my self harming, and he actually managed to make me smile without forcing it. That was pretty short lived though.

We went  to the shopping centre after I'd finished college. All the normal: I got my scaffolding repierced (one of them hadn't set straight) and I bought a christmas present for my secret santa. But then I realised I was going to be late home. We ran tp the cab office, but they told us that we'd have to wait 20minutes for a cab. So we went into the train station and got travelcards to get to the station by my house. We were on the train when all of a sudden my stomach started to churn and cramp up, I guess my body was rejecting yesterday's binge. I told Lorenzo we had to get off at that stop so that I could use a toilet, I told him that I needed a wee really badly and that I thought I was going to wet myself. Truth is that what I'd eaten last night was slowly and violently trickling out of me. I made it to tesco's toilets just in time, but I had to throw my knickers away. I was fucking mortified. I can't believe that that happened. It makes me sick to my stomach that a binge can do that to me.

I guess now I just wont binge. Thank fuck Lorenzo didn't notice. I guess the good new would be that weighing myself this morning I'm exactly 130lbs. So I haven't gained anymore.

I'm watching the Royal Variety Show, and there's a song being performed called "I Hate Days Like This". It's like a techno, soft rock remix. I like it - it kind of explains everything. Well I guess I'm going to blog off now, I'll check all of your blogs etc etc then curl up in my bed and pray to god I don't mutilate my arm again.

It's like something's taking over my head again. This isn't what I wanted. Think thin ladies, Twigs Can Fly.


1 comment:

  1. Wow.

    That sounds pretty horrible...I am so sorry you have to deal with that!!

    Self Injury sucks.

    I hope you can manage to keep from binging, that sounds like a VERY uncomfortable situation you dealt with...

    Keep thinking thin!


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