Dinosaur (:

No more weightloss. Not for now.

I'm getting married in January ladies, and I have a baby on the way. I'm 7 weeks pregnant, and I have to get this right. I know a lot of mums call the baby tadpole, but it really does look like a dinosaur.

Because of my weight issues, and having had a bmi of around 17.5 when I found out I was pregnant, my pregnancy is high risk. I've miscarried before and I'm going to do everything I damn well can to get this right.

So I eat now. Whenever I eat a voice in my mind screams at me that I'm doing wrong. Whenever I'm full my head pounds the steady drum of words - This Will Not Stay Down. Whenever I look in the mirror at the little bump I now have, sometimes I want to cry.

But I'm not going to be sick, and I mustn't cry. I have to eat for my baby.
So for now, my bmi is 21.5. And I'm proud.

Recovery is a farce.

I thought I could try recovering and losing weight at the same time, but I knew that wasn't so. Cause my mind still ticks in overtime.

Total calories have all been less than 1000. And after exercise, net calories have all been below 650.

This isn't healthy. But my bones have started to pop out. I won't stop.

Rainbows and Sparkles and Fire galore.

Once there was a girl with long dark hair. She used to sit at her room window everyday and watch the cars go by, imagining what life could be like outside her little world. She wanted this perfection, and she wanted the happiness. Her room became her world, and she made it as close to outside as she could.

When Anger came and brought her food, she'd smile sweetly and eat it all. When Anger left she'd open her mouth and rainbows would fly out. The rainbows were good, because they blocked out everything the room stood for. She controlled the rainbows and that was all that mattered.

Whenever the girl looked outside she saw a little package under a tree, andeven though it was closed, that parcel she knew would contain everything she ever wanted. Because it was outside. But she couldn't go outside. She couldn't control outside.

Days passed and the girl began to cry and make little red crisscrosses up her arms and legs, like the stitching on her dress. The rainbows came more often, and became uglier. But she never let a tear fall. If she did, Anger would win. The fire in her heart started to go out, and the sparkle in her eyes started to die. Maybe it didn't matter what was outside.

One night, with the fire nearly out and the sparkle threatening to go, the girl had lots of magic buttons and burning water. She took the buttons one by one, swallowed the magic elixir and waited to be carried away. She woke up with Anger in a strange room, with straws in her arms taking the elixir away and pillow sheets on her crisscrossed arms and legs.

She was Outside.

But it didn't matter, not really. Because the fire was out, and the sparkle had gone. With one little sob, the embers exploded and the rainbows blasted out. The sparkle had almost never existed in the little girl's eye.

All that she'd wanted was to keave that room.
But satisfying that dream had led to her doom.

It didn't matter in the end if the tears left her eyes, as what had been broken in the first place could never have been put together again.

Disappointment.

Why get your hopes up if they're just to be dashed
back down through the ground again and again?

Why dare to care if it's just
thrown back in your face again and again?

Starve, binge, eat or purge. It doesn't matter really.
What a vicious circle.

Getting better.

I'm getting better, I know this. But I can recover and lose weight too. That's what I'll do.

Just to stop the voices crashing and the tears rolling
down my face
Just for the little smiles, my one saving grace.
I'll eat a little and exercise some more,
I'm not starving.
I'm not starving.

As long as I don't purge, it's okay. Right?

Torn

Oh Hazel, they say. Oh how lovely it is to see you looking healthy again. You aren't the bag of bones you used to be. Your eyes are now full of life instead of sunken circles. Your face is fuller now, you look so much better they cry.

I know this is a good thing. My body is better. I make myself eat. I try not to worry when I eat.

But my mind is torn. In the back of my head I still tell myself I should be punished for eating. I still feel I need to excercise like mad. But I don't. Because I know that if I do, she will start winning again.

And as much as I want to be thin, I don't want to fall victim to the disease. It's been a month or so since I threw up, longer since I've used laxatives.

I'm at a crossroads, but I want to take the right path. I have to.

Oh.

I like it when I'm feeling like the clouds are made of cotton and like the wind is helping me to fly with the breeze. When I see his face and smile and know everything is fine. I'm marrying him soon. Just trying to break the news to my mum somehow. She won't approve. But he makes me happy, like my BMI being near 20 doesn't matter, and the fact that my size 8s don't always fit me doesn't matter when he puts his arms around me and whispers I love you.

Then it switches. I feel like I want to scream, like there's a voice inside that can't get out. My head's yelling at me not to, telling me I'm wrong. I feel
torn.

I feel torn. I know what's right and what's wrong. But the thing is, that choices like these aren't as clear cut as whether or not I need to butter my bread.

It's not as easy as deciding whether or not I'm going to eat today.

I'm tearing
               right down
the middle

I'm Done.

Making the effort.
Caring.
Hating my dad.
Loving my dad.
Eating.
Purging.
Starving.
Sleeping.
Nightmares.
Being Awake All The Time.
Being A Good Person.
Not Knowing What I Want.
Blogging.
Not Blogging.


Being Confused.


... I wish I wasn't so confused.
I'm still here, I've just lost myself.
I'll comment on you all soon, I promise. Sorry for being such a shit blogger.
Thank you to those who still love me.

Fuck yourself.

Anonymous said...


Just cos you're mentally ill does not mean you can blame a faith you clearly do no believe and at the same time abuse a faith to justify you mentally sick and disgusting actions.

You need help. Like seriously, go see a doctor.

4 September 2011 01:27

Twigs Can Fly said...

Yo anon,

Stop being a pussy. I'm cleary not falsifying the idea of faith, I just think that the way religion portrays God to be is bullshit.

So fuck off, go educate yourself, and maybe try studying philosophy.

Safe.
~Twigs.

P.S. Go fuck yourself. Zero tolerance to people who have no academic abilities what so ever.




LOLOLOL. I don't care about people anymore.

Starving? Never.

I haven't purged since Monday or so. But I haven't pooed either, so I need to go get some laxatives.

I'm not purposely starving myself all the time. A lot of the time I just don't feel the hunger anymore.

I'll weigh on Friday. Though I already know I'm lower than the 135lbs by my birthday goal. I wonder if I'll be at 130lbs...

It's getting harder now. Samir knows I'm being sick and keeps doing things like going straight into the bathroom after dinner. But it makes me all the more determined. I need to be perfect for him. I need to be perfect for me.

Tits and Banter say I've become more womanly in my  figure. I've actually lost over half a stone in two weeks. Hooded jumpers make a welcome return.

I'm playing the game. But am I winning or losing?


Dear me, get it out quicker.
Let's lie again... You loved your dinner.

Bump In The Night

Can't sleep. Won't sleep. Minutes tick by and hours pass by, but all
I can feel is the violent clawing of something within me. But there can't be
anything within me. I'm empty.

Boyfriend is awake and asks what's wrong,
Nothing's wrong, can't you see? Nothing's wrong.
Drink some water to dull the pain. But this sort of pain never leaves you.
She never leaves you.

You embody her, know her. Now you are her.
When you purge, you are her.
When you pick at food to paint a false picture, you are her.
When you've lost all hope,
but she's in the back of your mind, telling you to carry on,
You've lost yourself.

I've lost myself. Within the numbers, the negatives, the lies and deceit,
I've lost myself.
I'm losing you. Within the numbers, the negatives, the lies and deceit,
I've lost you.

We used to count on eachother, remember? Through thick and thin,
through tears and smiles.

But I'm not me anymore.
I'm sorry.

Grr, who is anon!

Anon please just reveal your name, I can't keep doing this! Tell me who you are and I'll come to you, but you can't come to me because I don't live in the same place anymore. I moved to near the Tescos in Heath.



I purged yesterday. Leyla was downstairs with my mum, and my mum's fiance. It's like I've taken a million steps backwards. But secretly I'm thrilled. Secretly knowing what I'm doing to myself makes adrenalin rush through my body.

Physically I'm not ill. Mentally I'm not ill.

Maybe if I repeat those enough they'll come true. Now 9 stone 4lbs.

Anon, who are you?

Ring ring, the telephone goes. I won't answer it because I know
what's waiting for me on the end of the line.
My partner is looking for excuses not to be mine.

Waves wash through and cause decay, when did my emotions
become this way? I'm devoid of everything. Can't feel a thing.
All I know is that something is missing.
But there are no metal hangers at this new house,
and the prospect of knives scares me to hell.

What is this that I've become? A trickster of my own right.
Painting a picture for all to see.
On facebook I put the older fatter pictures of me
But don't say a word, or else they'll all know.
The Hazel they know died a long time ago.

Suffocation

Hazel. You need help, coz this ain't right. Ana is not a person, it is a figament of your mind that impairs your visual outlook your on body. You've been like this for years, I thought you were getting better and moved on from this. for Leyla's sake. But cleary not give her 2 more years before she starts sicking down the toilet if she already hasn't now. Well done on your journey to come a skeleton. Well Eventually you'll be 6 feet under. and 4 stone and dead. So maybe your sister might be saved from this horrible mental diseased., Unless by some miracle you see that your lifestyle is not healthy and you get a reality check. Coz this ain't living.


By Anonymous
 
Anonymous, you brought me to tears. Who are you? You're one of two people, this much I know. Leyla can't end up like me, I won't let her. Yet sometimes I see glimpses of what she could become. I don't want this, I don't want to be ill. The prospect of dying, though sometimes welcomed, is scary. I don't know how to change. The weight drops, some comes back, more drops, then a little more comes back. It's like my mind is playing a game over and over again.
 
It's not about a reality check, I know this is wrong and I know this isn't healthy. But I can't live any other way.
 
Please tell me who you are.
 
Hazel.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I feel suffocated. This isn't living. My BMI is in the 18s now, and I have ready access to scales, and a gym around the corner. I can't keep doing this, but I can't stop.
 
One friend, two friend, three friends four,
How many more will you throw out the door?
You don't need them, you only need me
I'll show you how many lbs lighter you will be.

Tick Tock.

Tick tock. Tick tock. You're wasting your life. Run down the stairs, one at a time.
You fat bitch, look what you've done.

Feel your ribs, your lungs expand. How empowering it is to run your hand
along each one...
Keep up the pretense, you know you don't need to eat.
Let me do the talking, they won't be able to tell.
See I've taken over and the lies start to spill.

"I'm happy. I love you. I can't wait to break fast." Why're you squirming?
We're beating them at last.

Don't you remember what I told you before? You can't run and hide anymore
 because now I've got you back
And I won't let go. So smile and dance and put on a show - who're you fooling with that shit sharade?

Put some effort into it.

One potato, two potato, three potato, four.
Let's hide dinner in the drawer.
One retch, maybe two or three.
"I love your dinner" says the toilet to me.

Can't escape, won't escape.
I'm lost in the tunnel.
My soul died a while ago.

Fasting for thirty days.

Oh how I love having been born a muslim. I can fast during Ramdhan and no one can question my reasoning.
I don't believe in God.



How can he be there when we walk, trailing bleeding wrists. When our stomach are stretched beyond repair.
When people are dying and no body cares, how can he be?

How can he be there when our tears are falling, and stomachs are heaving. When yet another lie is told:
"I'm okay". But how can you be?

Our bodies rot, but we aren't dead. Not really.
We walk and we talk and we laugh empty laughs. But our souls aren't here. Not really.

So don't wax lyrical about the Man Above, when children are dying, and marriage isn't love,
Don't tell me He's watching, and he has a plan and he's there. How can he be?

So now it's thirty days of soul cleansing fasting?
Ha, I'll meet you in Hell. We'll see who's laughing.

Ner.

Work internet is about to die, so just thought I'd quickly update! Only eaten 200 calories since the day before yesterday, and I've signed up for spinning classes. I'm not at my highest yet, but I am back at 140lbs which is disgusting. I'll be at 130 by my birthday.

Fuck being a fat 18 year old.

Bitch had it coming.

I told you it would happen. You knew you couldn't carry on this way anymore. Filled out nicely they said. It's good to see you aren't ill anymore they said. Look at those lovely new curves.

How dare you. Only I can fill the hole you try to fill with food. Only I can make you worth something. But you go against me every time. You fight me. Why? For normality? |Don't make me laugh, you could never be normal. Just look at you.

I see those rolls that're developing, I see that muscle losing tone and definition. Just because the numbers are smaller. It doesn't mean anything. You're fat. You make me sick. Why should I even bother? I should leave your ass to get fatter and fatter. I should leave you to follow in the obese footsteps of your mother. You're going to be just like her. And it's all your fault.

I'm sorry Ana, please don't leave me. I need you.




See. You come running back everytime. But now I won't even let you go in the first place.

High like a kite.

I like ganja. I occasionally like other things. I like the numb feeling during. It's bliss - I'm quietly numb, emotionally paralysed.

Samir made me cry yesterday, not intentionally, it was a wake up call. How I had to stop being silly and move on, and be there for Leyla. And that I needed a plan and to go to uni.

I feel better now, but I've realised many things. I need to grow up and stop being selfish. I have to stop Leyla from becoming what I quickly became.


High like a kite maybe, but my heart's in knots. How did any of this happen?

Lol.

I literally cannot afford food. It's amazing.

But it's taking so much strength, being right by the tantalising smells of my work colleagues eating.

My body wants it, but my mind knows better.

I need a new job anyway. Some people are making it so difficult to be here, so difficult to be in the relationship I'm in.

Difficult to breathe.

LOL.

The head coach at gymnastics (where I coach) told me that I lost weight. When I said thank you, she said "no that's not good, because you've gained fat and lost muscle". She asked me what I'd been eating, and I told her. She's put me on a diet, and told me I have to exercise.

50 situps last night to kick start everything. And today I have had half a cup of slim a soup.

This is the beginning of a new era, I won't let myself down. More importantly, I won't let you down.

I've been checking up my stats, and this month I've had over a thousand views so far. This is going to be my motivation. Every time someone looks at my blog, they need to see that I'm doing well, getting thin.

As soon as I get internet back at my house, I'm going to start posting weekly Vlogs.


It doesn't matter what you think you can achieve you fat bitch. I'm going to make you achieve it. I'm taking over your mind, slowly but surely. I WILL make you thin.

Choice.

How dare you eat you fucking worthless piece of shit. Like the breakfast you ate this morning wasn't enough. Why do you fill yourself with this poison day in day out? Do you like me being angry at you? Do you like me having to invade your mind? You must do, you'd do better otherwise.

One potatoe, two potatoe, three potatoe, four.
You fucking fat bitch, don't you dare eat anymore.

Fight your body, it's weak. You need to be strong. Don't you dare give in to temptation. You want me to be happy with you, I know you do. So do something about it. Be proactive. You're going to start training again tonight.

A situp, or two, or three, of four hundred.
Don't stop. Can't stop. Won't stop.
Breathe.

Your mind is stronger, your soul is free. Don't you see, the more your bones ache, the more your stomach caves in, the stronger you are becoming.

So it's quite simple my darling, you have a choice.

Get thin, or die trying.

Bundled into a car.

I have a confession. I'm falling for my boss. My 28 year old boss.

There's a psycho girl at work who has it badly for him, and she chats so much shit it's unreal. ABout how they're an item, always have been. He's tried to tell her otherwise, but she won't listen. It's odd. But her taunting me, her digs, drove me to do something stupid on friday night.

We all went out to the pub after work, and I was drinking a lot. This girl wouldn't stop letting me know I was the outsider, wouldn't stop trying to make me feel small about myself. So I decided to make her jealous by getting the phone number of a guy I knew she'd been making eyes at that night. But I'd had 9 double vodkas, and it didn't go that well. I ended up going home with him.

He was a nutter and tried to give me drugs, and his flatmate turned up. I got sober pretty quick. Somehow I got them to drive to a newsagents, and when we pulled up, I legged it. Just ran.

The funny thing about Croydon at 2am is that there are a lot more nutters about. Two black guys tried to get me into their car.

I got home in a state. I don;t want to go out anymore.
Someone asked if it was my fault, because of what I was wearing. I was wearing bootleg jeans and a hoodie.

This time... it wasn't my fault.

I'm falling apart.

PS I'm having to post comments as anon cause my blogger has fucked up :/

Our souls died a long time ago.

Breathe in. Feels your lungs expanding. Feel your ribs get tighter. Feel the air rushing into your body. Pure.

Take a bite. It's only a bite. Only 37 calories in a bite. It's safe.

Feel the euphoria. The paranoia. Lose control. Three hundred calories more. See the cupboard. Grab the crisps. Grab the bread. Grab the chocolate spread. No need for a knife, eat it straight from the jar. You're disgusting.

Your belly expands. Your cheeks fill out. Drink a litre of cola. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. SPIT IT OUT, IT'S NOT DIET. Drink it anyway.

The liquid swills around your stomach. The bread soaks it up. The crisps tickle your throat. You've chocolate around your mouth. You're deluded, crazy.

It's okay the little voice says. You're allowed to eat. You've done so well. For a moment you believe it.

See your reflection, see the mess you've created. Reach for the broken metal. Draw it across over and over. See the red. Feel the warmth. See the stains on your shirt. See the mess you've created.

Know the mess you have become.

Race upstairs. Make yourself heave. We need to. We need to be pure. We need to be empty.

You stupid bitch. Look what you've done.

Don't play the game unless you're prepared to lose. No body comes out sane. We may still be living, but our souls died a long time ago.

I'm Still Here

I'm trying to sort my head out. Everything is just so damn wrong.

Day two ease in...

Gah, my work computer is fucking up and won't let me comment on any of your blogs! But if y'all facebook add me or something, then until I can get this fixed I'll be more than happy to talk to y'all via that.

I'm on day 2 of the ease in for master cleanse. I did well yesterday (just live foods) and ate one orange and a banana. I weighed yesterday at 144lbs (disgusting), and this morning I'm 139lbs (still disgusting). I've just been drinking tomato juice today, so hopefully that'll help me shift weight. I just need to buy some laxatives to help with the daily bowel movements.

Darlings I hope you're all okay, and doing much better than I am weight wise. Let me know how everything is <3

Largeeee.

Search Results

large

adjective /lärj/ larger, comparative; largest, superlative Of considerable or relatively great size, extent, or capacity - add a large clove of garlic - the concert attracted large crowds Of greater size than the ordinary, esp. with reference to a size of clothing or to the size of a packaged commodity - the sweater comes in small, medium, and large sizes Pursuing an occupation or commercial activity on a significant scale - many large investors are likely to take a different view Of wide range or scope - we can afford to take a larger view of the situation I can feel the 190 calorie worth of crisps just melting down into fat and attaching itself to my LARGE behind.  The only way around this is to give myself  a deadline. Friday coming, if I'm not less that 135lbs, I have to post pictures of my body. My disgusting body.

Fat. Fat. Fat. Selfish. Bitch.

I'm a bad person, and I know I am. Today I've still been eating, and I know I shouldn't be. I know it's a terrible thing to do, and despite the advice I give all of you about controlling your mind, it's something that I can't seem to do. It's pathetic. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the yellow, parasitic fat clinging to me. I hate hearing my voice and knowing that I'm failing. I hate competing with myself, and trying to do better, knowing that I'm setting myself up to fail.

There are tears I'm struggling to hold back, these tears are threatening to overwhelm me, racing to escape me and become a flood of salty emotion. Emotion isn't something I deal with well.

I feel selfish, always blogging about myself and what I want. I want a mum, I want a family, I want to earn money, I want to be thin, I want this, I want that. I I I. Why can't I just be better? Why can't I be what I aspire to be... why can't I be just like you?
So many conditions are placed upon happiness. I'd be happier if I was [thinner, smaller, more successful, if I had a boyfriend, a girlfriend etc etc]. Why can't happiness just be an option that we can choose, and not worry about?

I had a dream last night that I cheated on Drummer. Everything seemed so real, and when I woke up it seemed so surreal that I thought I had. And I was overcome with so much guilt... Because I cheated on my first boyfriend. I kissed someone else, but this dream was worse, so much worse. It was passionate, lustful, and it was about someone I know. Someone I've slept with before, who made me feel so light in how he could pick me up and swing me around. He made me feel really... beautiful. Drummer makes me feel pretty, makes me feel like I'm the one. He's on holiday at the moment, and I miss him beyond belief. I'm just so scared that I'm going to fail him.

What if they're all right? What if I'm still a slag, just as I always have been? I don't know anymore. I really don't.

I'll post pictures of my body either tonight or in the morning. And I'll be revealing who I am in the very near future.

Girls you're amazingly supportive so thank you. Sorry that you have to put up with me.

Collapse vs Revealing Myself

Well liquid fasting saw me collapse at the weekend, which was not very fun. My doctor said I have to eat at least breakfast. So I ate a fry up. But I have also taken 12 laxatives and am in pain because of it. I hate laxatives and I hate the fact that I'm due on my period, and I hate eating. So I'm not going to take my doctors advice. I'll eat today, about 1600, then go back to liquid fasting. All of this nonsense has put me up to 137lbs, at least it's a pre-period weight, but still. I should have lost so much more by now.

On the plus side, my collapse made me decide to drink and dye my hair xD. I look like I have candy floss on my head.

Girls... I'm thinking about revealing who I really am... But I'm nervous about doing so - y'know, about letting this world and my reality meet eachother. What d'you think?

What are you most excited about today?

I JUST ORDERED SUSHI AND AM HAVING IT DELIVERED TO MY WORK PLACE!

Ask me whatever you like (:

Epic fail

Today has not been the best of days ladies. On the eating front I've had too much. 700 calorie breakfast, 100 calorie noodles, 350 calorie meal out with Drummer [the boyfriend. I've forgotten what name I gave him], and now 500 in binge. 1650 is disgusting. 

I had to leave work early because Drummer's mum has lumps. And Drummer is very worried and needed my support. And it's also likely to be the last time I see him till the 10th of April, as he's going to Tenerife. My dad met him when he picked me up, and introduced himself as "the motherfucking gangster". Mortal cringe right there. 

Then I picked my sister up from gymnastics and it turned out she'd injured herself and torn all of the ligaments in her foot. Fucking hell, I spent from 9pm till 12:30am at the hospital waiting for them to fucking diagnose what was wrong. Amazing NHS services anybody?

And on top of all this, my friend who started self harm told me that if I came to see him, he'd cut himself. I still feel more angry than words can express, and want more than anything to cut again. To feel the rush, the blood. To know I've gotten what I've deserved. And as selfish as it sounds, I hate him for making me feel that way.

Oh and due to my laziness, my snakebites are becoming infected. I also have a lump that's developed on the inside of my mouth, next to one of them. Any ideas what that may be?

The 30th was not my day. And as it's now 01:04 am on the 31st, I'm hoping it'll become better, but I can't convince myself that's right. I'm restless, wanting to feel pain, wanting to purge, wanting to take laxatives. I probably will SH. I can't purge for fear of my snakebites. And I've run out of laxatives.

Strict regime from now on. I will weigh in on Saturday, and I know it'll be excrutiatingly painful.

Apologies for the rant.

~Twigs.

Pain

Hungry. Starving. Bleeding. Not caring.

I'm falling in and out of some form of consciousness... I can see everything around me but I've been phasing out long periods of time. It's not a great feeling.

And now I can recognise in my closest friend the depression which is threatening to overwhelm him. How do I turn him back, how can I make him see that he needs to get help whilst he still can? Hypocritical, I know.

These are just the hypocritical, selfish musings of yet another teenage girl. I'm just trying to keep him afloat, when I'm helplessly drowning myself.

Tonight I'll post some pictures of myself, y'all need to see the fat girl you seem to think the world of. I'm nothing amazing, and you need to know that.

Sorry to be wasting your time with this blog.

LOL

Well you know you're getting lazy when you go to work in a maxi dress, just to later discover that your armpits really do need shaving. Nuff said ;D

formspring.me

I dare you (:

Veratile blogger award (:

Thanks to the AMAZING "a.beautiful.mess" for this award. She's a lovely (:

The Rules:


1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift


2. Share seven things about yourself.


3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.


4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.


Hmm seven things...

1) I fall in love quickly, but it takes me longer to trust people. Trusting people almost never happens.

2) I currently absolutely fucking DESPISE noodles. I swear, it's the only thing I can eat, and whilst ordinarily it'd be all cool... I HATE THEM. Even the word. Bleurgh.

3) I have a dog called Jessie. Wait, it's not as boring as it sounds. Jessie is the living embodiment of the cliche - she's attacked seven postmen. Oh the lols. Apologies to any postmen reading this, but y'know it's kinda funny thinking of a foot high middle aged (7 years) dog, attatching herself to the clothing of multiple postmen.

4) My father makes my skin crawl. What with his cocaine sniffing, dating girl closer to my own age than his, and constant lies. It just makes me sick. Yes I know I may be a slight hypocrite, but at least I know when to stop. See the next bullet point if you're confused xD

5) I have taken cocaine and smoke copious amounts of weed. But I promised Rasmus (boyfriend) that I wouldn't do anymore hard drugs. Even though I have a list of everything I want to try, which pretty much includes everything that isn't crack, heroin or crystal meth. I prolly will still try them, just keeping it a secret. Next on the list... ACID ladies and gentlemen.

6) I have a stalkerish love of James Corden. I actually cried when I found out he was engaged with a baby on the way. I've been deeply in love with him since I first saw him appear as Smithy on Gavin and Stacey. He makes me quiver.

and finally...

7) I find jokes about turkish people excrutiatingly funny. I'm always asking my mum when she's going to marry her cousin. And don't hate... I'm ALLOWED xD




Now  the bloggers I'm going to give this to are (in no particular order):

* A Journey to Bones
* Behind the Fat
* Teach Me How To Love Myself
* Deer&Wolves
* Maigre, S'il Vous Plait
* Control
* Mosaic.Heart

Y'all are amazing (: <3

Noodles.

I swear if I see another packet of noodles I will scream. Okay that's a lie, because noodles are all I can eat on this fucking liquid fast. But I will scream in my mind.

NOODLESNOODLESNOODLESNOODLESNOODLESNOODLESNOODLESNOODLESNOODLES



I despise them. I haven't weighed since last time, I'll weigh on Friday. I've lost count of how many days it's been since I started, but every day now seems like one giant ass noodle. I'm even sick of the word. N-OO-D-ELLL.


Bleurgh.

Oh also, I was nominated by the lovely "a beautiful mess" as a versatile blogger! I'll be giving you a link to her blog next post, and also nominating my seven (:

Love you girlies! Stay strong <3

You Follow Mehh ?! :3 <wahhh** x

Sure, what's your user? <3

Ask me whatever you like (:

what do you consider a skinny bmi?

19 or below <3

Ask me whatever you like (:

Still Liquid Fasting

Everyday is getting pretty damn hard. Last night it was all I could do to top myself making a peanut butter and chocolate spread sandwich! But I didn't give in, and I won't give in. I'ma go weigh myself now, and damn well hope it's decent news. Wish me luck.

I'm now 137lbs. So I've lost 6lbs, but somehow it doesn't seem like enough. Why haven't I lost more this week?

Blah I'm pretty annoyed with my current job. I never understood the loophole of commission only which is indeed cancellations. You get cancellations, you work them off, you get little or no money. I need a new job, hopefully as an aupair.


I understand how boring this post is, so for now just enjoy some thinspo (: